Robinjazz

Hello everyone. This is my third attempt at rewriting the opening of a story. Do you think it is believeable? Does it have any substance, or is it lame? Thanks.

The Coward

The ringing of the telephone shattered the quietness in the room as Peter Larraro lounged on his bed enjoying a late night movie on TV. At first, the sixteen-year old tried to ignore the phone and continue watching the movie; however, with his mother asleep in the next room, he was concerned that the loud ringing might awaken her. Sliding out of bed, Peter took a few steps toward his bureau where the telephone lay. Quickly, he picked it up to silence the ringing and held it against the side of his face while turning his attention to the television again. Then he uttered a sleepy “hello” into the receiver and waited..
While he waited for the caller to speak, Peter’s stare never wandered from the TV screen. His favorite actor, James Cagney, was engaged in a shootout with the police. Peter watched intensely as his hero hid in an old warehouse behind some wooden crates to reload his gun. Peter sensed the end coming for Cagney, as a policeman raised his shotgun toward the spot where Cagney crouched for cover. Then just as the sound of gunfire erupted on the television, the voice of a man came through the telephone. “Hello, may I please speak to Peter Lazzaro,” the strange man said.
“You’re speaking to him,” Peter said, watching Cagney tumble to the ground.
“Peter, this is Detective Patrick Mulligan from the 5th Precinct. I need to have a talk with you. Would you mind coming to the station house?”
“Detective?” Peter said startled.
“Yes, Detective Mulligan. And I need to discuss something with you right now.”
“What do you want? I have to go to work tomorrow. I was just getting ready for bed. I can't come out now.” Peter said, stroking his long brown hair and no longer interested in the movie.
“Well, Peter,” the detective said, “You have a choice: either you come down, or I come up.”
The detective’s response rattled the teenager. “Okay, give me about twenty minutes. I need to put on some clothes.” Peter said.
As soon as Peter hung up the phone, he began wondering what he could have done to get a call from a cop at almost midnight. The nervous teenager went straight for the television and turned it off. Then he grabbed his blue jeans and bulky brown sweater lying on a nearby chair and quickly threw them on. After finding and lacing up his sneakers, Peter snatched his wallet and house keys from a lamp table and hurried from his room. However, before he had a chance to leave his apartment to meet with Detective Mulligan, the teenager was greeted by a soft voice coming from another bedroom.
“Peter, who was that on the telephone?”
“Oh, just a friend, Mom.” Peter said.
“Well, go to sleep, Peter. You need to get up early,” she said.
“Mom, I have to go downstairs.”
“Downstairs,” she said, “at this hour.”.
“Don’t worry. I’ll be back shortly,” he said.
“Peter, be careful and don’t be too long,” his mother said.
“Mom, don’t worry,” he said, swinging open the apartment door and stepping out into the frigid hallway.

Jaime Lannister

Hey Robin this is a good start, but now you should make the writing come to life. Instead of describing Peter's movements and actions, let us see his thoughts and feelings. Make us feel that surprised terror of a detective calling late at night. It will give you a better chance to develop Peter too and suck your reader in. The beggining isn't just a bridge to the meat of the story, it's role is to grab the reader's interest. Good luck and I'm sure you can really make this scene sing.

gohn67

Hey RobinJazz,
I like how you kind of juxtapose what's on the television show with what is happening to your protagonist. Cool idea. I like the contrast.

The conversation with the Detective seemed to be a bit too short I think you can make it go a little longer to make it more believable. Well I guess he is cowardly, but still kind of brave enough to go get dressed and go with this detective guy. I would think he would wake up his mom actually if he were cowardly.

There is a bit a of mysterious that is interesting in why the detective wants to see him of all people. Makes me wonder what happened in the past. Mystery is good.

I think you should avoid the use of the word "Nervous" here because it is kind of telling. Try to show his nervousness through his actions instead. Like is he chewing on his fingernail. Checking out the window to see if anyone's out there, etc.

I think "quietness" is kind of contradictory if he's watching television, there should be sound. But I see what you mean that the ringining of a tele is really annoying and breaks silence.

After thinking about his actions, how he so readily goes to meet with Mr. Mulligan, seems to me that he may actually know why he's calling. That this is something he has to do, which is why he does everything so readily, even lies to his mom, and goes out of the house late at night to meet a creepy detective guy.

Good start here. Keep going. Finish it first and then rewrite.

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Robinjazz

Thank you, Jaime and Gohn67. I'll do my best to polish it up and give it some life. Your comments are appreciated.

Jimbob

Good start, Robinjazz, except for the minor glitches already mentioned. It's beginnings and endings that are difficult. If you can get them right, the middle is easy.

Jimbob