Untitled - Writers Forum

A Glass Thought · 11-08-2005, 05:50 PM

Removed

LIGHTFOOT · 11-09-2005, 02:24 PM

Yay, I get to put the first response in. Always fun.

I really liked this. So far, all I see is a background, I'm just wondering when the story starts to kick in. It's like you've written right up to where the story begins and just left us all hangin'.
I like it. i don't know what else to say until I see more. It's well written and has a lot of good ideas woven in. Belial? Is that a new name for Pluto?(Like you renamed Venus?)

gohn67 · 11-10-2005, 12:06 AM

Hey AGlassThought,
This one feels a bit different from your other pieces. Your other pieces, keep in mind I've only read two of your stories so far, seem to be more internal, with a lot of internal monologue. This one seems to be the exact opposite, more dialogue driven, less introspection and more simple sentences.

Well the start of the story started off with an unknown POV, and names weren't introduced until a while into the story. Just something that bothers me, I like to at least know the names of the characters instead of being held in the dark for no apparent reason that I can think of, made it a bit confusing too.

This seems sci-fi.

Was a bit confused with the race thing, got confused on the stuff about Canada and Africa for some reason.

There were some typos and missing words.

I really hate the preacher-man (though calling him preacher-man gives your narratar a younger more adolensent voice.) I don't know why I just hate preachers I guess, so yeah I hated him. I wanted him to shut up.

There seems to be a love triangle relationship between Jared, Noah, and Alia. Alia seems to be drifting towards Noah because she is brainwashed by this religous propaganda.

I wonder how it's going to end, post it when you get it done.

A Glass Thought · 11-10-2005, 03:17 AM

Lightfoot,

Congrats on being the first to reply. You win a toaster.

Belial is not a new name for Pluto. It is a newly discovered planet in our solar system. I don't want to go into too much detail because alot of the questions you could ask are important to the plot. That is part of the reason I'm keeping it untitled until it's done. So mums the word.

Maria,

I'm glad you liked it. I like it too. If I didn't, then what is the point in continuing? Don't worry about being a bit confused. I left off at a point where questions needed to be answered, and that always leaves some confusion. By the end of tomorrow you can expect a more updated version.

Gohn,

I'm glad you've read two so far. I've read some of yours, although I don't remember if I posted. But I remember liking. This also goes for Maria and Lightfoot. Good things.

This story is more plot driven than idea driven, and as such it involves more interaction with the characters and their surroundings rather thant internal exploration. Don't worry, there will be enough of that also. Right now it just seems lacking because I have the characters in a highly populated area, where there needs to be a lot of interaction. I enter thoughts and such whenever I feel it is relevant, or whenever the thought pops into my own head.

Another reason for why this is more plot driven(thus it contains more character interaction) is because I consider this to be a more major piece. Things like The Red, In Sanity, Mirror Tides, and Thunderclap(not posted here) are pieces that are centralized around a specific ideas. Things like The Whistleblower(unfinished), Twice Fallen, and this current project are more focused on a centralized theme and plot. These are more about creating believable worlds and characters with depth. They also include many elements that are in my shorter stories. These are the pieces I personally consider to be more professional and geared more towards competitions and publication.

Since I'm writing in third person, you enter the story without background information. This does make you spend the first five minutes guessing left and right, but I can't put a character's name unless I've formally introduced him into the story.

It is science fiction. I consider myself a science fiction writer, although the current evidence would suggest otherwise.

Race stuff: Nearly all Canadians are black, and nearly all Africans are white.
I also changed a bit of the Geography of the continents if you noticed. I haven't looked a map yet, but I don't think Nigeria is located near Africa's coastline.

I call him preacher-man at first because it allows the readers to take him less seriously. I don't know exactly why I choose preacher-man. When I think about the word in my head I get an image of Tina Turner in Mad Max calling Mel Gibson a "Raggidy-man." So if you can say preacher-man with that ring to the word, then we're on the same page. And there is more to the character Noah than the Preacher. What would a character be without depth?

There ARE some typos. Thanks for pointing it out. Also, in your post you spelled adolescent wrong(Hehe, you walked right into that.)

The love triangle you see isn't really a love triangle. Noah isn't a snake and he won't try to steal the girl or anything like that. The story is just starting, so I haven't added any true depth to the characters yet. Alia isn't brainwashed. I realize it comes off that way at this point. Sigh, It's getting hard having to say things like "it isn't this way," and then not being able to say how it IS since that would give away too much for now. So I don't know, just figure out what you can from what's given, and when I post the finished product, you can all take bets on who what you thought would happen.

Thanks for reading.

Glass

gohn67 · 11-10-2005, 03:32 AM

Yeah I was just posting my observations mostly. Most of it was not critisism, just point out stuff that I saw, observed stylistically and contentwise.

I'm so glad that there is no love triangle too.

Yes about the canada thing and Africa thing, that's what I thought at first and then confused myself by thinking too hard.
---
My only critism really was the fact that the story starts off so detached.

Even though it's in third person, you can introduce the characters name, I'm pretty sure. Like if you are writing in omniescent third person, the narrator knows everything about the character and the world. So they would know the names.

If you were writing in third person limited where you follow one character very closely you would at least know the name of your protag. I think having a concrete name really grounds. Without a name it becomes very detached

Quote:

There ARE some typos. Thanks for pointing it out. Also, in your post you spelled adolescent wrong(Hehe, you walked right into that.)

Yeah, I sure did.

A Glass Thought · 11-10-2005, 03:43 AM

I don't know. I liked starting out with the story detached. Obviously, towards the end of where it is now it finds a seat in the character Jared(at least for now.)

I guess it's just a matter of personal preference more than anything.