wrelk

“I got the bracelet. Oh, and the note too,” she said, her lacquered eyelashes lowered.
“Don’t you think we’d be better as friends?” She carefully wound her lips about the enticing refusal. Lips wet from her steady exhale and a thick coat of pastel gloss, I’d imaged them sweet.
“No...I mean...if that’s what you think...but I’m really into you, you know?” I trailed off, she was staring at her reflection in the plate glass window behind me, contemplating the style of her hair. I wished I could have told her that it looks best down, brushing against the valleys of her collarbones, ends tangling with the golden threads of a necklace.
I’d seen her jogging once. I tried to blend into the traffic on the road and keep my rickety coupe at her pace. The sun reflected off the drops of perspiration as they rolled down her skin, pooling above her clavicles, merging with her momentum. I was there too, rolling along with her. Watching the light shine through her hair and I thought I saw something deep inside her that sparkled like diamond dust.
“Um...Tyler?”
“It’s Taylor.”
“Taylor, I’m gonna go to my next class. See you around.” She carelessly waved goodbye, letting the zirconia bracelet slide down her forearm.
And I knew there was something wrong with the way I was thinking. I knew there was something wrong to believe so much in a creature whose blood is melted licorice, sweat; peach liquor, and exhalation; saturated with intoxicating magic. But she had got me by the heart.

Ilan Bouchard

I enjoyed this flash muchly. There isn't much to say, but I think you used the abstract, realism, present, past, and closure in balance that makes flash difficult to write well. But you certainly did it.

Thanks for the quick read.

__________________
Ruthless comments encouraged!

Jimbob

Wrelk,
This is indeed somewhat reminicent of "The Great Gatsby" in regard to the protagonist's obsession with an unattainable woman who treats him with indifference.

I don't know how concerned you are for authenticity, but this line seemed to stick out as wrong for Gatsby's time in history:

>...but I’m really into you, you know?” <


Jimbob

wrelk

Thanks for reading, guys!

gohn67

Hey Wrelk,
I remember the Great Gatsby, I liked that book. I see the similarity, but it can easily be read without the mention of the Great Gatsby, it really didn't make much of a difference if it was based on the novel or not. Unless I'm missing something.

It's interesting, and you conveyed the characters well in few words. Very clear.

__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog