In Sanity - Writers Forum

A Glass Thought · 11-04-2005, 04:43 AM

Removed

gohn67 · 11-04-2005, 05:07 AM

Hey A Glass Thought,
I'm tired.

I could feel her increasing insanity as the story moved on.

Some very nicely constructed sentences, very nice.

A few parts where it is kind of telling. IE "She is going mad"

But then again I guess it works because of the voice of the narrator.

The narrator sounds like a first person narrater, like he is telling us a story. <-maybe the wall speaking?

A Glass Thought · 11-07-2005, 01:58 AM

gohn,

Still tired?
Thanks for reading

Anyone else feel like saying something?

bheid1.01 · 11-07-2005, 09:10 AM

i do!

brilliant story, just excellent.

this is the first story that brought my mind into focus and grabbed my attention in a long time, and now if you'll excuse me, you've made me late for class

Chris Miller · 11-07-2005, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Anyone else feel like saying something?

You can write. You have a vocabulary and you know the rules. There are some grammatical and spelling problems and typos. You much over-employ adverbs. But none of this is what made reading this like having a tooth pulled for me, albeit it with freezing.

First you need a story, or at least a character. “She” doesn’t cut it. One measure of a story is how well it can be told ad hoc, that is to say, how well it repeats. Say I tried to re-tell this to my wife:

“It’s about this girl. She’s sitting at her computer writing. She’s going a little crazy trying to make her writing perfect and she has kind of a long way to go too (based on the few excerpts shared). Actually her stuff reads so much like the rest of the narrative that only the italics (and pronoun gender) give it away. I guess it’s about how writing makes you crazy… or perhaps visa versa… or in this case, reading. Anyway, it’s short. But it feels a lot longer. Then it ends.”

I hope my criticism doesn’t deter you. Clearly you love writing and you have potential. I would like to see you write something in as simple language as you can, in as much your own words as possible, just like you were telling it to me on the phone or in a bar or something.

Quote:

Like when you mix up two jigsaw puzzles together: even if the pieces do fit, the picture is all wrong.

I like this simile.

Quote:

“…the very fabric of existence…”

A good rule of thumb: never say, “the very fabric of existence.”

Quote:

A universe shatters, her head feels the pressure of a billion worlds, a billion thoughts, a billion dreams, all of them rushing into one; A compact oblivion resting in her mind, drowns out her sight.

A lot of this (like the above) almost strikes me as the kind of random prose a computer would generate from some standard template.

Another example:

Quote:

In an empty room, in an empty house, nothing stirs, not even a mouse.

This made me laugh, it’s so like “The Night Before Christmas.”

PS.

Very nice jpeg. How about a story about her?

bheid1.01 · 11-07-2005, 03:27 PM

you're being too hard and are missing the point entirely.

i think the point was not to create a story about the girl, but create a story about insanity as a whole. if the girl had a name, or even an identity it would lose some of the impact.

and apart from the things you've pointed out, (and can be edited out) it's a solid story

Chris Miller · 11-08-2005, 10:02 AM

Quote:

you're being too hard and are missing the point entirely.

I am trying to help a young writer who I feel has potential reach that potential. It has been my experience that the better the writer the more able he/she is to deal with criticism. I don't think I have underestimated Glass' ability.

Quote:

i think the point was not to create a story about the girl, but create a story about insanity as a whole. if the girl had a name, or even an identity it would lose some of the impact.

You cannot have a story without developing any characters (or personifying an animal or inanimate object). Try to write one. What you will wind up with is either poetry or an essay.

I don't think the above is an essay about insanity, but I will concede that it could be a poem about it. I don't know much about poetry, only what I like and dislike.

Wyndstar · 11-08-2005, 12:34 PM

Sigh--reading this, I can see how I started out...

There's a lot of nice imagry here, good use of language and its descriptions are nicely done, I simply don't know the char or what lead her to this point. I feel like I've got something really good here, it's just beyond my grasp in the dark. I can't see it to know precisely what it is, it's too ephemeral.

"He falls forward, from the decaying halls into the blue. Falling, graceful and fast, the very fabric of existance compacts in his mind: an empty space, once met with free-floating mechanisms, now the house of the universe eternal...within his eyes, he holds light itself...and it consumes him. To know death is to know"

Like this sentence. I think I understand what you're doing with it, but that it just doesn't mesh well and leaves me confounded.

This just needs better focus and the char needs developement.

A Glass Thought · 11-08-2005, 02:17 PM

"Reading this, I can see how I started out...."

That's funny, because this was originally written...about a year and a half ago. In Sanity is actually the first short story I ever wrote. I found it lying around and I wanted to see how it would stand up here. Suprisingly, it did better than I expected.

Chris is right, I can take criticism. I have to be able to, otherwise I wouldn't make it. Before I considered writing as a career (currently in college. Major: Journalism.), I wanted to be an artist. So I'm used to people telling me what I've done wrong and what I've done right. This doesn't mean that they are always right, but it isn't something a writer should ignore. If enough people keep saying the same thing, then they can't all be wrong.

For those who liked it, thanks for liking it. For those who tolerated it enough to finish, then bravo. Thanks for posting, Soon i'll have something new so you can compare and see if there's been growth.

peace niggah!

Your lord and master.
Glass

R.J.T · 11-08-2005, 03:54 PM

I stand up and give you applause A Glass Thought. The story was great, It held my interest to the end even though I knew where it was going. Your writing is amazing and I have no doubt that there is a spot reserved for you in book stores across the nation. I have to disagree with Chris Miller about having to have a character in order to have a good story. To me this was more then just a short story, it was a short, short story. But you managed to accomplish more with this story then some writers can with a whole novel. Maybe thats a little extreme, but you get my drift. Back to my difference of opinion with Chris Miller. The story always comes first, characters come second. Although I would definitely agree that characters are almost as important if not equal in longer works of fiction. With a format such as this I don't think that rule applies. You did just what you needed to do, you told only what the reader needed to know. And you did it with brilliant language, great imagination, and enough style to cause jealousy. Impressive.

Jimmy_James · 11-08-2005, 04:28 PM

Being a popular fan of insanity writing, i must say i liked the motion of this story, it was slow and dramatic yet it thrust you further into her madness before you realized where you were, you were mad as well and then she was finished over, she had released the only thing from her that was keeping her somewhat sane, the story that she typed. Excellent work my friend, reading rainbow never saw it coming

Brasstwister · 11-08-2005, 04:41 PM

Well you might make me a fan of the short story. I tend to stay clear of them, dont know why I just do. You did your job well you put me right there in her head and held me there till the story was over, nice real nice.

A Glass Thought · 11-08-2005, 05:38 PM

Wow. Uh, thanks I guess.

R.J.T.,
Thanks. When I write a book at least I know I have one copy sold already.

JimmyJames,
Glad you liked it. Insanity is fun to write about since ther are no limits.

Brattwister,
Glad I'm pulling you towards shorts. They are an excellent way of exploring new ideas and seeing what will work.