Falling Into Madness - Writers Forum

Jimmy_James · 11-03-2005, 04:39 PM

I have been watching the chalkboard with great concentration but he does not seem to be drawing his escape yet. I know he will though. That little hermit in the chalkboard. He wishes to open the door and simply walk out to steal everyone's shoes. Having no shoes of his own I can understand how much he needs them. But there must be some other way he can get a pair of his own shoes.
That hermit thinks his intellegence will beat mine. I see him watching me from the chalkboard. When the teacher writes, he disappears, and I am surprised he does not try to escape through the letter 'A'. I suppose he is too large for such a letter, but then O or D would surely do for such a short man.
There he is again. He knows I am watching, and he's waiting for me to look away.
I wish that my break would come quicker. I tire of waiting on this hermit and want to leave my post. But no, if I do he may take the chance and draw his door. Then he would steal my shoes when I came back.
He thinks he is so smart. I know why he wants my shoes. He wishes to walk around the outside with them, beacuse every hermit knows it is absurd to walk outside with no shoes on. It just isn't done and should be against hermit law; but those funny little men do as they wish except walk outside without shoes. I tie mine tighter for fear of his hermit friends outside might come and quickly grab my shoes. They call him. They want to play. What if he steals my socks too? What will there be to warm my feet?
He is such a crafty little hermit after my shoes and now socks. I don't know why he picks on me. There are plenty of other good shoes and socks around but mine seem to appeal to this man.
I look at the clock. When will break come? Wait, that hermit is trying to draw a door. I run up and erase it as quick as I can. But do you know, that crafty hermit has drawn another one, then two and three. I rush around erasing the doors. My classmates are shocked. I'm not surprised. They are probably on the hermit's side. Never expecting me to stop him from taking my shoes and socks. I realize that the teacher was on his side too. Trying to hide doors in letters to keep me from noticing. But i'm onto her and the hermit.
There are doors everywhere. Now i have escaped and need only a pair of shoes for going outside in. I will take a pair of socks too, to keep my poor feet warm. I steal shoes and socks from a few at the front then hastily pull them on and run outside to join my friends. But those other hermits have run off. I run back inside and try to draw a door to get back inside too.

semtecks · 11-03-2005, 04:53 PM

I enjoyed this so much I'm not going to bitch about lack of double spacing -- though it would be nice. It was a nice little insight into the mind of someone losing theirs. It actually reminded me of a very short story by Richard Matheson -- Born Of Man and Woman -- for its short intense style. Well done I look forward to hearing more from you.

Jimmy_James · 11-03-2005, 04:55 PM

thanks sorry about the spacing i didn't realize i can't even manually indent, i'll remember that next time and i have another 'maddening' story for you my friend when i get back from work tonight

Jimmy_James · 11-04-2005, 02:31 PM

wow is that all i get for replies, that sucks and no on replied to my other story, if its cuz its not double spaced please let me know and i'll do that now cuz i'd love some critiquing

amusinglackoftalent · 11-04-2005, 03:01 PM

Will charming and unique work? I'm with semtecks on some of the spacing and other 'structural' things but I loved the 'dittie'. I got a little confused at the very end. And be PATIENT... this forum appears to sometimes moves in a slow, relaxed way. That's a good thing. Give your story some polish and let it shine!

Jimmy_James · 11-04-2005, 03:03 PM

Polishes both stories hard glancing around with a mad look in his eye as he waits

gohn67 · 11-04-2005, 05:51 PM

What a strange story, captured his madness. Interestingly strange is what I think of the story. Kind of stream of conscious style.

A few things

What does the hermit look like? Could use some description. I picture him as a leprachaun with raggedy clothes and shiny black shoes. Is that correct? Is he really tiny or is he human sized? Would be hilarious if he was human sized and smelling of garbage or something, holes in his shoes, etc.

Quote:

That hermit thinks his intellegence will beat mine.

How do you know what the hermit thinks? Is he using telepathy?

Quote:

He knows I am watching, and he's waiting for me to look away.

How does he know what he's thinking.
Actually now that I think of it, I guess it is his paranoia. That makes him think this way.
Didn't think about that.

Quote:

I see him watching me from the chalkboard.

Minor note, but I think you can take out hte "I see him". It is kind of passive. You do this a lot.

Instead try something like "He watches me from..."

I never really get a sense of where the Hermit is in the room. You never describe his actions.

Like for example is he hiding behind someone's desk and peaking at your shoes. And then scurrying closer and hiding behind another desk all the while staring at your shoes? Add more of that kind of stuff, so we actually see this hermit. As of now I can't picture him.

Quote:

He is such a crafty little hermit after my shoes and now socks.

How is he crafty? Show.

Quote:

I steal shoes and socks from a few at the front then hastily pull them on and run outside to join my friends.

More description here of how he takes their shows would be interesting. I want to see how he tries to take their shoes. Does he untie the laces first? Does he pull it striaght off? What type of shoes? Highheels? Tennis shoes? How does the person react to this?

In general, I think if you be more descriptive and take your time describing, showing us his actions this could be a really funny, and interesting piece.

I think the idea is good though, just need to beef it up
Keep working on it, I would love to see revision of this.

-----

Quote:

wow is that all i get for replies, that sucks and no on replied to my other story, if its cuz its not double spaced please let me know and i'll do that now cuz i'd love some critiquing

I'd love some critiqueing too.

Jimmy_James · 11-04-2005, 11:43 PM

Thank you gohn, this was mostly a passive piece basically the look into the mind of someone going insane from hours of sitting in class, but it would be interesting to turn it more into a character heavy story i'll work on it give you the update

bheid1.01 · 11-05-2005, 12:58 PM

i LOVE the theme of insanity, (for reasons best left unsaid)

for some reason, it's kind of humourful to me, especially the end. but i can't really comment more, due to the sheer tinyness of the piece.

Jimmy_James · 11-05-2005, 01:08 PM

Trust me i make up for it in largeness in other areas

who said that

LoneWolf · 11-06-2005, 12:59 AM

I liked this story...it was pretty funny. It actually reminds me of a short story called "The Yellow Wallpaper" in which a woman's sure there's an old lady trying to escape from the wallpaper and in the end it's actually the woman...crazy to describe. But anyways, gohn got everything I noticed in the story...

Quote:

He wishes to open the door and simply walk out to steal everyone's shoes. Having no shoes of his own I can understand how much he needs them. But there must be some other way he can get a pair of his own shoes.

I read this and was like, "SHOES!". The use of of the word three times straight kind of bothered me. It's implied that he needs shoes of his own and doesn't have any, so maybe it could be rearranged so that 'shoes' isn't used that much. I hope this helps. It's like 1am and I'm not all here lol. Nice story JJ...thanks for the read.

gohn: what do you mean you'd love some critiquing too? You're asking for it...

gohn67 · 11-06-2005, 01:02 AM

Quote:

gohn: what do you mean you'd love some critiquing too? You're asking for it...

That was in response to his subtle way of asking for more responses to his piece in subsequent posts in this thread.. Just found it kind of hypocritical. That's all. Well, and also that was before he did some commenting on other people's work. I wasn't begging for him to critique my story. I was just subtly pointing him the right direction.

LoneWolf · 11-06-2005, 01:09 AM

Ah okay...sorry bout that. How about gogo as a name? Hmm...

gohn67 · 11-06-2005, 01:12 AM

hmm, I don't know about gogo. Hehe. Makes me sound like a baby.

Jimmy_James · 11-06-2005, 02:10 AM

Yeah gohn as soon as i wrote it i was thinking geeze i really shouldn't be writing this and not critiquing other peoples work, its give and take