The White Roses - Writers Forum

VinrAlfakyn · 10-24-2005, 11:56 PM

This is my first time posting my stories, so please don't be too hard on me.

The White Roses

Mr. Duncan walked down the cold street. It was snowing and everyone was out on the street buying things from the market. As he walked on, he saw a little girl on a corner selling white roses. No one was paying any attention to her; everyone walked past her without a second glance. She wore a thin gray dress and a small gray shawl. She didn’t have any shoes, and her hair hung limply on her shoulders.

The man strode up to the girl. She looked up at him, surprised. “Would you like to buy a rose, sir?” she asked, holding her basket out to him.

“How much are they?” he asked her.

“Only a dollar, sir,” she answered.

He thought for a moment, and then said, “I’ll take all of them.” The girl stared at him in surprise.

“There are at least two dozen of them, sir.”

“Then I owe you twenty-four dollars.” He pulled the money out of his coat and handed it to her in exchange for the roses.

“Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.”

“Why don’t you go on home now, out of the cold?” he asked her.

“I don’t have a home, sir.”

He stared in surprise. “Well, why don’t you come with me then?”

“Oh, sir. You don’t have to do that. I’ve been on my own for so long now. I’m quite used to it.”

The man felt tears well up in his eyes. “I insist.” He held his hand out to her. She looked at him for a minute, and then took his hand. He led her down the streets and into a small shop. It was a clothing store.

“Hello, Mr. Duncan. How are you today?” asked the storekeeper.

“I’m doing good, Mr. Lewis. I need some dresses for this young lady,” he answered.

“Is that so?”

“Yes. And a few pairs of shoes too.”

“Do you know what size you are, missy?” the storekeeper asked the girl.

“No, sir,” she replied.

“Well, we’ll size you and get you all fixed up,” he told her.

“Thank you, sir.” Mr. Duncan and the girl left the shop with five dresses and three pairs of shoes. Then he led her to another part of town and they entered a warm bakery.

“Good day, Mr. Duncan. Sure is cold outside today,” said the baker.

“Yes it is, Mrs. Tolman. I hope it hasn’t reached the doughnuts?”

“Oh, no. They’re warm and fresh,” she said as she cleaned her counter.

“Good. That’s just what we need. I’ll take a dozen of them” he told her.

“Comin’ right up, Mr. Duncan.” After buying the doughnuts, Mr. Duncan led the little girl to another part of town. He stopped in front of a tall building. Taking out his key, he opened the door and stepped inside.

Right before the door was a staircase. To the right was a small room with a chair, a sofa, and a fireplace. The fire burned brightly. An old woman came from down the hall and stood before them.

“Miss Ellie, could you take this little girl to the spare bedroom and start the fire in there?” Mr. Duncan asked her.

“Of course, sir. Come along dearie,” said the woman. She led the girl up the stairs and to a room on the left. The room had a fireplace on the far wall, but it looked like it had been unused for a while. The bed had a flower blanket covering it, and on the shelves were stuffed animals and glass unicorns.

Miss Ellie started a fire and then put the girl’s shoes and dresses in the closet. The girl could see more dresses already hung up and more pairs of shoes on the floor.

“Whose room is this?” asked the girl.

“It used to be Mr. Duncan’s daughter’s room. Her name was Emily,” the servant answered.

“Will she mind if I use her room?”

“No, she won’t mind, sweetie. By the way, what’s your name?” the woman asked as she closed the closet door.

“Rebecca” the girl answered.

“Well, Rebecca, you may call me Miss Ellie. This is your new room. Would you like anything to eat?”

“Yes please, Miss Ellie.” The girl sat on the bed and looked towards the window.

“Alright. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Miss Ellie walked to the door and began to close it as she left.

“Miss Ellie?” the girl said suddenly.

The woman turned back to the room. “Yes, Rebecca?”

“Where is Emily? And Mr. Duncan’s wife?”

Miss Ellie paused a moment. “They’re at the church,” she finally said.

“When will they be back?” Rebecca asked.

Miss Ellie paused again. “They won’t be. They live there now.”

“They live at the church?” the girl asked, surprised.

“Yes. You see, they became so sick a few weeks ago. Mr. Duncan was so sad because he felt that he hadn’t been home to see them as much as he should’ve been. He used to be very busy, you see. So Mr. Duncan moved them to the church. They’re not sick anymore.”

“Does he go to visit them?”

“Yes, he does,” she said as she smiled. “Every day.”

“Why do you think he brought me here?” the girl asked.

Miss Ellie thought for a moment. “He probably didn’t want you to catch pneumonia, sweetie.”

Then Miss Ellie left the room and went downstairs to the kitchen. Rebecca walked over to the window and saw Mr. Duncan walking down the street. “He must be going to the church,” she thought.

Mr. Duncan walked down the cobbled street, the snow crunching beneath his feet. He held the basket of roses in one hand. The other he stuffed into his coat pocket. He could see his breath every time he breathed. Before long he reached the church. He went to the side of the church where there was a small graveyard. Upon entering, he walked straight to two graves in the back.

The earth still looked newly disturbed. The first gravestone read:

Isabel Duncan
Loving wife and mother
Born-1762 Died-1789 of pneumonia

The second gravestone read:

Emily Duncan
Loving daughter of Taylor and Isabel Duncan
Born-1782 Died-1789 of pneumonia

Mr. Duncan put a dozen roses on his wife’s grave and the other dozen on his daughter’s grave. He stood there for a moment in silence. Then he turned from the graveyard and walked back to his house.

gohn67 · 10-26-2005, 04:37 PM

Hey Vin,
Good Job! on the story. It was kind of a bittersweet story. Like we see Mr. Duncan doing these very nice things for the poor girl, and then in the end the reader realizes that his daughter and wife are dead because of pnemonia.

Well, I guess there can be different interprations of why Mr. Duncan takes her in to his home. One is because he feels bad for her, and doesn't want her to die like his wife and daugter. The other, the more sinister view, is that Mr. Duncan takes her into replace his daughter. And then he starts to make her just like Emily Duncan.

The one thing that you could do is try to make the dialogue more clear to read. Strangely I found it pretty easy to follow, only getting lost a few times.

Check out this link. Scroll down to Daniela's post about dialogue. Hopefully it will help you with formatting your dialogue in a way that is easier to follow.

http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=33740

VinrAlfakyn · 10-26-2005, 10:04 PM

Thanks Gohn! I appreciate your comments and advice. I don't usually write dialogue that way, but I wrote the story in a day and didn't bother putting in all the extra "she said" "he said". I know I should've, but I really didn't think of posting it here (or anywhere) until I was in the process of doing it. My bad! The link did help though. Thank you!

VinrAlfakyn · 10-26-2005, 11:44 PM

I edited my story so the dialogue's easier to follow.

gohn67 · 10-26-2005, 11:47 PM

Hi again Vin,
It looks a lot better, I can follow the dialoge better. The other thing you can do to make it more readable, not really your fault, more the fault of posting it online, is that you can double space every paragraph. I find that it is easier for people to read also.

VinrAlfakyn · 10-26-2005, 11:59 PM

It may be something I'm doing, but I tried to do the double spacing thing, but when I went to post it, it came up looking exactly as before. Darn computer!

VinrAlfakyn · 10-27-2005, 12:15 AM

Ah, shoot. I got the paragraphs separated, but it still won't double space. Ah well.

Giggles-R-Us · 11-24-2006, 04:21 PM

hi Vin,I really liked your story. It's probably because I have a soft spot for people doing somthing nice or doing the right thing. I also think what drew me in was the title because my favorite type of flowers are white roses. Any way I really enjoyed reading your storie the only thing is in the begining you used suprised and in suprise alot ,not that it's a bad thing it just sounds a little redundent I think if you could find somthing else that means the same thing you should put that in but all in all it was good

The Amory Warrior · 11-24-2006, 04:52 PM

Very good story. Very heartwarming, yet at the same time sad.