So much grief and sorrow - Writers Forum

Taz · 10-11-2005, 02:15 AM

The sun warms my arms as I swing the garden gate closed behind me. Alfalfa trots along by my side his black coat shining from the rays produced by the sun. Dust stings my eyes as a four-wheel drive rounds the bend passing me, stirring up the dirt road beneath it. In the distance three lushes green hills are visible, on one is perched a little, white weatherboard house it’s paint flaking off, its windows smashed from local vandals. I use to often go up to that house. I don’t go any more; I wouldn’t be able to bare being there alone. I have vivid memories of riding my bike to the bottom of Mrs Lancaster’s drive before racing Dan my brother up to the top. When reflecting back on this I can feel tension in my legs as though I were on that bike right now. I sigh, wipe the few stray tears from my eyes and turn away. I’m not up to it today, I’m not up to thinking about it, I’m not up to feeling the emotions that remembering back brings. I turn my attention back to the task at hand buying mum some milk and dropping eggs off to the Brown’s. Mum loves giving away our eggs, being just the two of us means we have a lot more to spare than we did in the past. The Brown’s have to be the loveliest family I have ever met. They are there for me when others arn't. It’s through times of trauma that I believe you find your true friends. I shudder as I think back to how Kirra treated me when my brother died of Maningercokle and Mrs Lancaster had her heart attack minutes after being told of Dan’s death. She’d avoided me completely and still does. Were as others who didn’t necessarily like me all that much were able to send their condolences, some even hugged me yet my best friend just closed herself off to me that hurt like hell and still does.

“Hey dear how are you”
“Doing better” I lie forcing a smile
“That’s good” Mrs Brown said embracing me.
“Mum wanted you to have these” I say handing over the eggs
“Oh that’s lovely, thanks dear Jeremy is out the back tending to Cassie”
Jeremy brown is exactly a week older than me with spiky black hair tipped with blond. He is lean and very muscular and I have had a crush on him for as long as I can remember. Cassie is his pride and joy she’s three years old and a beautiful ride she’s a chocolate brown horse with a great temperament.
“Hey how are you” asked Jeremy as I entered the barn where he was grooming Cassie for her show that afternoon.
“I’m ok” I said trying to look it
“Right” sighed Jeremy his face revealing that he didn’t believe me. I took a few steps forwards and patted Cassie.
“Ok, I’m not ok I’ve lost them for ever, he’s never coming home and I’ll never see her again” I stated tears welling in my eyes. I tried to hold them off but without success. Jeremy had noticed so he put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close.
“You’ll always have their memory”
“Yeah well that’s not enough Jeremy its not enough I need them, the real them” I yelled in frustration.
“I know you do but that’s not going to happen you’ve got to face the music they ain’t coming back” said Jeremy through his own tears that ran like a river down his cheeks. Jeremy turned me so as I faced him pulling me into an embrace.
“You’ll live I know it seems as though you wont. But every day you’ll grow a little stronger and it won’t hurt as much, until one day you can get back to normal well; at least as normal as you can, you’ll never not miss them, you’ll just miss them less.” He retorted giving me a kiss on the forehead which came as quite a shock causing my heart to miss a beat.
“I guess” I said feeling slightly perky form the kiss.
“What do you mean you guess I’m right I’m always right” he said putting on an arrogant stance and looking utterly smug, we both giggled our tears of grief turning into tears of laughter.

“How’s Linda” asked my mother airily as I clicked the door closed behind me.
“Good” I replied making my way over to her “Cassie’s got a show this arvo I hope she wins.”
“I’m sure she’s in with a chance”
“Yeah” I said awkwardly, it always was awkward as of late communicating with my mother. She was so closed off from the world. I used to think it was my doing somehow and that she would have preferred to lose me over Dan. But that was cleared up one day when I confronted her about it. She had burst into tears embracing me so tight I lacked air in my lungs she did this while repeating “no don’t say that, no don’t say that.”

Mrs Lancaster as few new was like the grandmother Dan and I never had. My mother was adopted. I never new my father and both my mothers’ adoptive parents had died before I was born in a car accident. Mrs Lancaster had no family of her own her husband had left her two years before our meting her so we were also like grandchildren to her. She even said so herself. She spoiled us with gifts on birthdays and when she felt like it. I miss her like hell all that’s left is that rickety house on the hill that one day will probably be smashed down taking all the memories with it.

School wasn’t the same anymore people treated me differently and I hated it. I never was one who craved sympathy in fact I despised it. Sympathy was given when people didn’t know what to else to do. Their was only one person I could have settled for having sympathy from and that was Kirra because sympathy was better than being ignored. Though had she dished out sympathy I may have thought being ignored was better. Jeremy was my best friend now the only one who could care without being sick inly sympathetic like most of the world that now surrounded me.

I clicked into third gear as I headed along the road to school for another torturous day. Where I would be riddled with images of Dan and Mrs Lancaster over the years playing out in my mind. Just as they did all throughout the day and night. On one hand I hoped they would cease the other I hoped they wouldn’t. As it was all I had even if it did make me have to be tortured with their memory. I also felt guilty thinking of not wanting to think about them as though somehow I would be condoning their death.

The bell between fisrt and second period rang the class got to their feet.
“Gemma” called Mrs Taylor as I headed for the door. “I think we need to talk” my heart sank. I felt a strong desire to repeat what I thought out load which went something like ‘Oh really I don’t think so all your gonna do is have a go at me for my falling marks and dish out some potent sympathy’ but I refrained from doing so. Instead I obeyed staying to watch the last body leave the room.
“I’m concerned” said Mrs Taylor the feeling emerging rather obviously on her slender face. “Your grades”
“are falling” I said finishing her sentence with an I don’t care sort of air to my voice.
“And you don’t care” she snapped rather taken aback “You were such a good student”
“Yeah your right I was and still are. You can be a good student and not do well, well at least I think you can. I behave do I not? I don’t distract other students? my grades are of no concern to me at this point. And frankly I am peeved you even thought it appropriate to bring such a matter up at such a delicate moment within the history of my life.” I said rather out of character answering back wasn’t my thing it was other students who did it. I never thought I would but I felt an amazing sense of self pride and for a moment just one moment I forgot about Dan and Mrs Lancaster and it was a moment of bliss and a momentary high. Then I came crashing down to earth again. Bursting into tears and collapsing to the floor it was one extreme to the other.

The school councillor looked down at me through her chunky framed glasses.
“So your grades are slipping?”

gohn67 · 10-11-2005, 06:01 PM

Hey Taz,
You've improved a bit since the last time I read one of your stories. Nice story you wrote here. I enjoyed it. You are getting better.

There are few grammatical things that I have pointed out a few times, that are pretty easy to fix, but you don't seem to want to do.

-look over your "you're"s and "your"s, make sure you got the correct one.

-look over your "its" and "it's", make sure you got the right one. "its" shows pocession. "it's" is a conjugation for "it is"

-period after Ms Mrs Mr, example Ms. Mrs. Mr.

-Last thing is your dialogue format is missing punctuation through most of the story. Dialogue format is really confusing, but once you take the time to understand it, it is very simple.
check out daniela's post on dialogue in the link below, I think it will help you. If it doesn't PM me, and I'll try my best to explain.
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=33740

Chris Miller · 10-11-2005, 09:26 PM

Agree with gohn67 here. Your writing is improving.

You should consider editing and polishing/trimming this piece as an exercise (and becasue it has potential). While you are at it, separate the paragraphs with white space (blank lines).

The most noticable weakness in your prose/voice is the overuse of adverbs. Only use the "ly" words if absolutely necessary (not like here

).

Also consider using "said" more and let the dialogue describe/speak for itself.

shinbook · 10-11-2005, 10:55 PM

Taz!!! Best i've read yet. I really enjoyed it and could feel her pain. There is considerable grammer and spelling errors. But those happen to everyone, especially me. Try reading the story backwards, one sentence at a time. That usually points out most of my errors. Looking forward to more.
Ben