1.5 pg short, about drunkenness and friends(?) - Writers Forum

taxedk · 10-10-2005, 07:08 PM

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galt · 10-10-2005, 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by taxedk

The girl is sitting quietly there, eavesdropping in that way that smirks of earnest and still self introspection instead.

This doesn't make sense. I'm lost at "eavesdropping in that way that smirks of earnest....".

Quote:

Originally Posted by taxedk

Catherine, the friend, is babbling to her newly lost California on the phone.

Who is Catherine the friend of? The girl in the first paragraph? And "babbling to her newly lost California on the phone" doesn't make sense.

Quote:

Originally Posted by taxedk

The test went badly, very very badly. She had come home earlier that day, paling the sun with the radiance of her face and proclaiming an Everest A.

If the test went badly, then why did she come home, "paling the sun" with her radience? And what is an Everest A?
This really doesn't make sense.

taxedk · 10-10-2005, 08:13 PM

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Chris Miller · 10-10-2005, 08:26 PM

This was a very odd read for me. At first I thought you were writing poetry, deliberately mangling the language. Then I started spotting obvious punctuation, grammatical and word errors and wondered if you weren't writing in a 2nd language.

Finally I decided that, in spite of the too-numerous-to-enumerate errors, you can write. You have a good feel for prose and a good feel for people, but dang if I could figure out what this was about. Which is a piss off, because it seemed like it was really interesting.

I am guessing that you are trying too hard to wax prossaic and poetic here. It's like those first few sentences of almost every piece I have ever written, that in the end I just wind up deleting or greatly simplifying. I'd like to see this story written the way you would tell it to a friend in casual conversation.

Let me just see the story.

taxedk · 10-10-2005, 08:32 PM

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Chris Miller · 10-10-2005, 09:28 PM

Okay, let's just take the first sentence, because, even after your earlier comments which helped me understand it, it's a show-stopper.

"The girl is sitting quietly there, eavesdropping in that way that smirks of earnest and still self introspection instead."

How about:
"The girl is sitting, pretending not to eavesdrop."

I think you mean "smacks" instead of "smirks" too.

A good first sentence is any sentence that gets a reader to read the next one. And so on... But this is the kind of sentence that gives the reader serious pause.

Also, why "the girl", "the friend" ? Why not a name and later a nice pronoun.

Let me take one more sentence, to try to let you understand my difficulty here:

"Quiet words quickly change into louder interrogation and soon there’s a story about a gun and a guy and the girl being warped by fantasy fleeing is resounding in some part of some brain that used to be Catherine."

Huh? I can't even simplify this, because I have no idea what you are trying to say. I will re-address the edits when I can understand the sentences. Could you make them smaller and clearer. For some reason I really want to read this story. Don't worry about writing well for now, just make it clear, even if just a plot outline. You don't have to edit the above piece. You can add it to the thread.

shinbook · 10-10-2005, 09:30 PM

I like the style of this. Writing for confusion is something that I have unsuccessfully tried to do in the past. I then realized that if the reader is confused, then what is the point in reading. I like the poetic style, I try to write like that, but I'm learning that there needs to be a line between being poetic and telling the story. Just some tips from someone that has failed many times. Keep going, you have the talent.
Ben

taxedk · 10-10-2005, 10:03 PM

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