Try the story thing again, What is Life - Writers Forum

shinbook · 10-10-2005, 02:33 PM

This is one of my first stories from a few years ago. Hope you enjoy and can give some tips. Thanks for looking.

I live a wonderful life. I have a beautiful wife. She wakes me in the morning and we live in harmony and pure joy every day.

Every day begins with a stroll through our prize-winning garden. We walk, hand in hand, through the rows of daisies, and roses, and petunias, and marigolds. We are serenaded by the lilies and the red-breasted finches sing choruses of love about us. We lay down in the far side of the garden and passionately kiss and explore each other. We make love every morning in the garden and every day she whispers that she lives for me. We rise and amble back through the florescent rows of blooming beauties back to the house.
When we arrive, we fix a wonderful breakfast of pancakes, sausages, and eggs. I make the pancakes and she scrambles the eggs. We sit at our kitchen table and eat our meal together every day. She eats like a bird. She pecks at her eggs and pancakes, but then swoops on the sausage and devours it like an eagle. Some mornings, I just sit and watch her meticulously tear apart her meal. Her small fingers are wrapped around the silver shank of the fork and her full succulent lips slide across the tongs on every bite as I sit speechless, hypnotized by her beauty. When all the food is gone, we clean up and wash the dishes together. Sometimes she washes and I dry and sometimes, I wash and she dries. It is wonderful harmony.

We never argue, there is nothing to argue about . We don’t work; we don’t have to. All we do is enjoy each other all day every day. I love to look at her, and listen to her, and talk to her. She has endless stories of all topics and destinations. She is young, but she has done an incredible amount in her life. She tells me of her travels to the Caribbean and her trips on pirate ships to small islands peppered across the southern sea. She tells me of her trips to the east where a U.S. dollar spends like gold and a poor man can feel rich. She tells me of her past lovers and how they don’t compare to me. I sit, eager for every word, listening to her for hours every day.

I tell her stories too. I tell her of my hunting adventures in the tundra of the Alaskan wilderness. I tell of the giant polar bear that I killed when I was young. I talk fondly about the trips to the dark continent of Africa on mighty expeditions for cape buffalo, elephant, and lions. She gasps when I talk about the large dangerous animals charging me and how I narrowly escape death time after time. I tell her how much I love her and how I need her more than anything.

Every day we tell stories through lunch and the remainder of the afternoon. As the sun goes down, we walk out the front of the house and down to the beach. We frolic on the beach and dig our toes in the sand. She looks for seashells as I catch large flounder one after the other. Then, when we tire, we remove our clothing and ease into the warm embrace of the salty water. We envelope ourselves every night in the magnitude of the ocean. In the dark silky waters, illuminated by the Southern Cross and a crescent moon, we release the tension of the day and fall in love all over again. Every day, always at this same time, I am stung in the arm by something unseen and loose consciousness.

I awake in the same place every morning. I am laying in a hospital bed, bound by a large white shirt and I begin to cry.

semtecks · 10-10-2005, 03:48 PM

I liked the ending, it really caught me off guard. Well done.

One problem:

Quote:

I am stung in the arm by something unseen and loose consciousness

loose should be lose

Taz · 10-10-2005, 08:48 PM

Teriffic story shinbook loved every word. Your quite the talented writer wish I had such tallent. I couldnt find a single thing to criticise. Good on you I look forward to reading more of your things in the future keep wriitng and i'll keep reading.

taxedk · 10-10-2005, 09:08 PM

Nice story, simple, and clean, I was onto you though with ´´prizewinning´´garden, and just read a bit faster looking for the fall of perfection. Maybe it could be more powerful if your (¿) adjectives (? words like perfect, and wonderful etc) arent so strong in the first three sentences.

Cleverly done though, very nice work

Chris Miller · 10-10-2005, 09:38 PM

Agree with taxedk. It was well written. But too perfect and flat and beautiful to be real or interesting. I mean, without that last sentence I was going to really lambast you. And to be perfectly honest, by the middle, I was skimming. I can only stand so much vicarious joy.

Although I did feel bad for the Polar Bear.

The last sentence almost makes up for what you put me through. But maybe only almost.

I think if you foreshadowed the wheels coming off, or showed/suggested whatever it was that snapped him, or led him to this delusion/fantasy, the back story might be more interesting.

shinbook · 10-10-2005, 09:44 PM

Chris and taxedk, thanks for the comments. When I wrote this, I didn't even know where I was going until I reached the end, and wham, I found out he was delusional schizophrenic. haha anyway, just looking for excatly what you gave me. Thanks,
B