Stripped - Writers Forum

Rockerball · 10-10-2005, 04:12 AM

Let me know what you think. It's just a short:

Stripped
Mary-Anne ran past the firing fountains and the bronzed man on the bucket. He stood erect with no expression. He only moved when someone dropped money into his basket, and even then it was just a slight wink. She rocketed around a shirtless man on a bicycle and paused shortly to avoid running in front of a tourist’s photograph.

Of all places, Stephen had to live on the strip. The sidewalks were cluttered with people who strolled along panting and pointing at the neon signs and lit up hotels. She darted in between a group of high school girls who in exchange sent her prissy, narrowed eyes and glossy, pouted lips.

“Sorry!” She huffed over her shoulder to the grumbling group, sprinting through a crosswalk with a flashing ‘DO NOT WALK’ sign. A taxi cab driver hollered something at her in Spanish out the window, but the only word she caught was “gilipolla”.

At last, the pink, twenty story hotel stood in front of her. She gazed up at the giant palm streets and the glittering, “Treasure Island” sign, taking a sharp breath in and coming to a complete halt in the middle of the sidewalk. She gazed for a moment at the lit up pirate ship mounted in the middle of the pool that overlooked the hotel.

Two years. It had been 24 months, 104 weeks, 710 days since she had last seen him in person. She’d never expected to see him then. It had been her 28th birthday. She and the girls had decided Tangerine, the club at “Treasure Island”, would be the perfect place to go. They didn’t mind the sweating women in leather bras because they lived vicariously through them. They didn’t mind the drunk, sex-driven men because it was someone to go home with. It made life almost…interesting. Aside from the nearly naked women and the drunk waiters, Tangerine was chic. Besides, it was well-known that the music was usually staggering.

And that she discovered when she saw him center stage, balancing himself and his electric guitar on a wobbling stool. When she first laid her eyes on him, he’d grinned and dropped his head back in untainted zeal. He was oblivious to the girls dancing around him, rubbing their fleshy bodies against his thighs as he played. He didn’t even seem to notice the crowd watching him. He was lost in his own musical bliss.

He was exhausted after the first half of his show, and only had time to stick around for a glass of scotch on the rocks. He’d recognized her immediately, widening his eyes, stretching his arms for a hug, and admitting he hadn’t seen her in years.

“Not since we were sixteen,” she clarified, “I’m surprised you recognize me.”

“Of course I recognize you! We were practically best friends growing up.”

“And then we did,” she smiled a worn-out, heartbreaking smile, “It’s my 28th birthday.”

“That’s right! Wow…where does the time go. Are you married? Where are you working? I guess neither of us had the balls to get away from Vegas,” he grinned, leaning against the bar and turning his glass in his fingers.

“I’m not married and I’m the manager of the home department at Sears. Not too impressive….”

“No! That’s awesome. I’m all alone myself and I have yet to get a real job,” he chuckled, gesturing at the smutty bar.

“I didn’t even know you played here…I mean, I’d heard from people that you are still pursuing music, but I’d had no clue you’d be here.”

“I live here too. I play seven nights a week and so there’s a suite on the second floor that I call home. It’s part of the deal,” he leaned in close to her and whispered with bitter, alcoholic breath, “It’s a hell of a deal. Marble floors, maid service…plus a regular salary on top of it all.”

“You’re living large, Stephen.”

He bowed slightly, tipping his head back and emptying his glass. She watched his eyes water.

“What happened with us?” He finally asked, “We used to be so close in high school and then…I can’t believe I haven’t talked to you in years and here you are in front of me.”

“Life got too important?”

He laughed and nodded, “That’s what we like to think, right? Damn, encore time and then I’ll hopefully be able to talk to you when I’m done. Listen, Mary-Anne, if I don’t get a chance to, it was great seeing you. Stop by and see me again sometime. My room is 256.”

He gave her a tight smile- the kind of smile that created crows feet around his eyes. She watched as he ran through the crowd and took the stage again. Mary-Anne and her friends watched the rest of his set, of course, and she waited expectantly for him to stagger back down to the back of the club to talk to her. But he didn’t. He just disappeared behind the curtain when he was finished and she never saw him again.

Staring up at the towering hotel, she replayed the scene in her mind over and over again. And then she decided on how our next encounter would go. The caddy high school girls passed her and hissed in soft undertones. Once she had the scene all mapped out, the lines, the gasps, and the passion, she turned and walked for the front door of “Treasure Island.”

The first step up the spiraling, marble stairs was the hardest. It took willpower to begin her ascent to his floor. But as soon as she had started, she found she could no longer hold back. She picked up my speed and suddenly she was sprinting just as a fast as she had been on the sidewalks. She wanted him. She needed him, and she needed him then. She had waited too long.

248, 250, 242, 244….it must have been next. Closet, damn. And there it was. On the other side of the closet in gold, engraved letters the door read, 256. Without hesitation, she slammed my fists against the door and tried to peer into the peep hole. You never can see into those things.

Behind the door she heard a murmured cursing and soft, padded steps. The door pulled open and there he stood, his hair bursting out in awkward angles. His looked at her with squinted eyes and cupped his hands around them to protect himself from the light.

“Mary-Anne?”

“Remember when we were sixteen?”

He stared at her, rubbing his eyes and nodding, trying to wake himself up.

“Remember what we said? When we turned 30, if neither of us had married and we were both still lonely and on our own…remember Stephen? We said we’d marry each other…no matter where we were.”

He didn’t say anything. He just ran his fingers through his hair and studied her expression.

“Well here I am. I’ve been thirty for twenty minutes. Here I am right in front of you, and not only am I sticking to this promise, but I’m realizing all along I never married because...” She faded off, studying the floor and suddenly finding it impossible to go on, “Stephen, I was waiting for you.”

He staggered back a bit in surprise, “Mary-Anne…”

“And it sounds crazy! I know! But living without someone to share your life with is crazy too…”

She stepped closer to him and leaned her face into his. The moment she had been waiting for since she was sixteen was hanging loosely in the air. She pressed her lips against his and saw the fireworks. She did. Blues and reds and golds…they shot high above their heads booming and flickering.

Stephen jerked his head away from her before the show could really get started and he held his hands against her shoulders, “Mary-Anne…”

As he removed his hands from her shoulder a flicker of gold caught her eyes. It wasn’t a shooting firework, but a sparkle of a wedding ring.

“I made the deadline by three months I guess…” he said, studying his bare toes in the carpet, “I’m sorry.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

They had nothing else to say. He wanted to and she watched as he searched for the words to fix it all, but he came out empty handed.

She stood before him, no more clothed than the strippers who danced around him during his shows. She was humiliated and disgraced. She was naked- stripped of pride and worst of all, stripped of hope.

shinbook · 10-10-2005, 04:28 AM

Rocker, very descriptive writing. At times it was a little hard to follow. The ending is very predictable. Couple spelling and grammar errors, not a big deal. Great story line, good idea, try to maybe change something towards the end to reduce the predictability but other than that, it is good.
Ben

Rockerball · 10-10-2005, 09:12 PM

Thanks for the feedback. Most definitely helpful. I will keep those things in mind for the future.

No more feedback- positive or negative? That's rather disappointing...

Chris Miller · 10-10-2005, 09:46 PM

Hey, don't be disappointed, it's one more critique than you've given out.

eggo · 10-10-2005, 10:06 PM

Allow me to cut and paste

First things first. I know you are rather new, but we are all aspiring writers here. Very few of us are aspiring critics. Pretty much everyone here has a work that they would like reviewed, thats why they post here.

I try to review at least three works before I post and review at least a couple of others every time I answer a post in my thread. Yes, its a lot of work, but thats how this place works. People will be a lot more willing to review your work if you review theirs.

I will add that I have improved as a writer not just by having people review my works, but by reviewing others.

Wyndstar · 10-10-2005, 11:04 PM

Hi

I'm just going to point out a few things from having read this...

"And that she discovered when she saw him center stage, balancing himself and his electric guitar on a wobbling stool. "

This is a fragmented sentence.

“And then we did,” she smiled a worn-out, heartbreaking smile, “It’s my 28th birthday.”

And then we did what? I don't understand this line.

"She stood before him, no more clothed than the strippers who danced around him during his shows. She was humiliated and disgraced. She was naked- stripped of pride and worst of all, stripped of hope."

And then you stop. There seems like there was supposed to be more than this but you couldn't quite get there when you got to this point.

I understand where you were trying to go with this piece. It needs work both on grammar and structure. You did well with charactorization though. I actually manage to feel something for her. Work on it a bit and we'll see.

Rockerball · 10-10-2005, 11:25 PM

First of all, touchy touchy. I never said 'shame on you, no feedback'. I just said it was disappointing.

Secondly, I am a college student. If you honestly want a college FRESHMEN giving you feedback, then by all means I will. However, I personally would not take the advice of most 18 year olds very seriously. I'm still at the point of needing to become a writer myself before I can help OTHERS become writers themselves.

Rockerball · 10-10-2005, 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wyndstar

Hi

I'm just going to point out a few things from having read this...

"And that she discovered when she saw him center stage, balancing himself and his electric guitar on a wobbling stool. "

This is a fragmented sentence.

“And then we did,” she smiled a worn-out, heartbreaking smile, “It’s my 28th birthday.”

And then we did what? I don't understand this line.

"She stood before him, no more clothed than the strippers who danced around him during his shows. She was humiliated and disgraced. She was naked- stripped of pride and worst of all, stripped of hope."

And then you stop. There seems like there was supposed to be more than this but you couldn't quite get there when you got to this point.

I understand where you were trying to go with this piece. It needs work both on grammar and structure. You did well with charactorization though. I actually manage to feel something for her. Work on it a bit and we'll see.

"And then we did" is her response to, "When we were growing up". And then we did grow up. Perhaps I will make it more clear.

I don't have anymore to say because I want to end the piece with her just standing there hopelessy, nothing more...but perhaps I could phrase my conclusion better to imply more of a wrapping up?

Thank you for your feedback.

shinbook · 10-10-2005, 11:57 PM

"Secondly, I am a college student. If you honestly want a college FRESHMEN giving you feedback, then by all means I will. However, I personally would not take the advice of most 18 year olds very seriously. I'm still at the point of needing to become a writer myself before I can help OTHERS become writers themselves."

Rocker,
I know where you are coming from on this. I feel the same way. Regardless of your age and experience, you can provide helpful input for people's works. I felt very insecure at first then after looking around, I saw that a lot of people here are young, younger than me in fact, and even if you can't rip apart someones work yet, you can say that you liked it or you hated it, or it was hard to read. Believe me, anything that you can tell someone will help them, regardless of what you think. Read some stuff, read what other people wrote about it, write your own comments and then go back to check and see if your comments are in-line with other peoples. It's how this thing works, I've never took a writing class per se but I enjoy it, and I enjoy reading. Try it, you will learn some things and people will appreciate your comments.
Just another newbie,
Ben

gohn67 · 10-11-2005, 01:18 AM

Hey Rocker,
It needs some work, but pretty interesting storyline. I agree with Wyndstar that the characterization is good, you did a good job with that.

It was a bit confusing though, the way you structured the story.

The flashback confused me, I somehow missed the flashblack and thought it was happening in the present.

Also you sneak out of POV a few times. A few times you slid into Stephan's pov and that was kind of jarring.

Quote:

He’d recognized her immediately, widening his eyes, stretching his arms for a hug, and admitting he hadn’t seen her in years.

Right here is an example of being out of POV.
Also where is Mary-anne standing when she sees him. I had no clue where.

---

Quote:

Secondly, I am a college student. If you honestly want a college FRESHMEN giving you feedback, then by all means I will. However, I personally would not take the advice of most 18 year olds very seriously. I'm still at the point of needing to become a writer myself before I can help OTHERS become writers themselves

Getting feedback is good. Personally I like getting feedback. If everyone just wanted feedback, no one would get any.

When I first signed up at this site I didn't like giving feedback either, because I didn't know what to say. But after a while I started getting more comfortable with it and also I found that it really helped me as a writer. I saw what worked for people and what didn't.

Just start off reading a story and then say what you thought it meant or how it affected you. Did you like it? Did you not? Did you care for the characters?

You don't need to be a writer to answer those questions.

I hope you stick around, this is a great place to improve your writing.