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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 10-09-2005, 03:25 AM   #1
Taz
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Join Date: May 2005
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Can't say no (Mature Audiences Only)

This may offend some people so I would grately appreciate it only to be viewed by Mature Audiences.

Alice stood bored in the corner the DJ’s music pulsing through her pounding head. Why had she drunk so much she asked herself for the hundredth time. It wasn’t like her to do so. She was anti drinking at least she was prior to coming to Matts crazy eighteenth. Frank came towards her pushing his way through the crowd that hemmed her in. ‘oh no’ she thought. He finally stood before her. He made for the grope had it been Lucy Alices best friend she would have gabbed his wrist and twisted till it hurt so much he’d be begging for mercy. But she wasn’t Lucy. She was the perfect passive princess that couldn’t hurt a fly. Which made her pray for young men like Frank. His hand closed on her breast and he lent in to give her a kiss as he continued to clumsily fiddle with her. She could smell alcohol and the smell of vomit on his breath he’d had way to much. He locked lips with her and she could taste it she nearly spewed herself it was that potent. He stopped his fondling and grabbed her hand and whispered in her ear “Come with me sexy” he then pulled her towards the stairs that lead to the bedrooms. She didn’t want to go she hated the guy. She wanted to keep her virginity not give it away to jerk who was practically forcing her. Yet she couldn’t say no she never could and people prayed on it. She wouldn’t be at this stupid party if it weren’t for the fact she couldn’t say no to Matt and she wouldn’t have drunk if she could say no. The first step loomed before them slowly they made their way up to the top. When Alices foot touched the landing she heard a familiar voice yell. “Let her go you basted she deserves better than scum like you” and Lucy made her way up the stairs pulling Alice out of Franks grasp and returning her to the base of the stairs. Alice through her arms around Lucy “Thankyou thankyou” she wept into Lucy’s shoulder.
“You need to learn to say no” stated Lucy “I cant be with you twenty four seven.”
“I know” agreed Alice giving her best friend another big hug. Pulling herself together Alice asked “Why you here? I thought you had that family thing you couldn’t get out of.”
“I did, it finished early and I had a funny feeling you needed me. So I rocked up and as it happened you once again needed your hero” she said melodramatically.
“Why thankyou super women” retorted Alice with a cheeky grin “You once again saved me I am eternally grateful”
“Now lets get out of here before you nearly get yourself raped again” said Lucy returning to a serious tone.
“Yeah lets I hate this place”
“Have you been drinking?”
“No” lied Alice
“You lied to me I can smell it on your..” she cut short and her face that was moments before annoyed turned to a happy face and she stated with amazement. “you said no I never thought I’d hear the day. You lied for the fist time in like for ever” and she through her arms around Alice planting a friendly kiss on her forehead “She said no” she yelled so all could hear “she actually said no.”
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Old 10-10-2005, 08:43 AM   #2
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Fergus, Ontario CA
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Chris Miller is an unknown quantity at this point
Re: edit

There are dozens of punctuation, formatting and word use errors. As is it is unreadable. I am going to edit this piece in place. It is short enough. Just so I (and others) can read it. There is nothing in it requiring a mature audience. This story SHOULD be read by a young audience in my opinion.


Alice stood bored in the corner, the DJ’s music pulsing through her pounding head. Why had she drunk so much she asked herself for the hundredth time. It wasn’t like her to do so. She was against drinking; at least she had been prior to coming to Matt’s crazy eighteenth.

Frank came towards her, pushing his way through the crowd that hemmed her in.

‘Oh no,’ she thought.

He stood before her. He made for the grope. Had she been Lucy, her best friend, she would have grabbed his wrist and twisted till it hurt so much he begged for mercy. But she wasn’t Lucy. She was the perfect passive princess that couldn’t hurt a fly—which made her prey for young men like Frank.

His hand closed on her breast and he leaned in to give her a kiss as he continued to clumsily fiddle with her. She could smell alcohol and vomit on his breath. He’d had way too much. He locked lips with her and she could taste it. She nearly spewed herself—it was that potent.

He stopped his fondling and grabbed her hand and whispered in her ear “Come with me sexy.” Then he pulled her towards the stairs that led to the bedrooms. She didn’t want to go, she hated the guy. She wanted to keep her virginity, not give it away to some jerk who was practically forcing her. Yet she couldn’t say no, she never could, and people preyed on it. She wouldn’t be at this stupid party if it weren’t for the fact she couldn’t say no to Matt, and she wouldn’t have drunk if she could say no.

The first step loomed before them. Slowly they made their way up to the top. When Alice’s foot touched the landing she heard a familiar voice yell, “Let her go you basted, she deserves better than scum like you.” Lucy made her way up the stairs, pulling Alice out of Frank’s grasp and returning with her to the base of the stairs.

Alice threw her arms around Lucy. “Thank-you thank-you,” she wept into Lucy’s shoulder.

“You need to learn to say no,” stated Lucy. “I can’t be with you twenty-four-seven.”

“I know,” agreed Alice, giving her best friend another big hug.

Pulling herself together, Alice asked, “Why you here? I thought you had that family thing you couldn’t get out of.”

“I did, it finished early and I had a funny feeling you needed me. So I rocked up and as it happened you once again needed your hero,” she said melodramatically.

“Why thank you super women,” retorted Alice with a cheeky grin. “You once again saved me. I am eternally grateful”

“Now let’s get out of here before you nearly get yourself raped again,” said Lucy, returning to a serious tone.

“Yeah let’s, I hate this place”

“Have you been drinking?”

“No,” lied Alice

“You lied to me, I can smell it on your…” She cut short and her face that was moments before annoyed turned to a happy face and she stated with amazement, “You said ‘no.’ I never thought I’d hear the day. You lied for the fist time in like forever.” And she threw her arms around Alice, planting a friendly kiss on her forehead. “She said ‘no’” she yelled so all could hear. “She actually said no.”
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Old 10-10-2005, 09:14 AM   #3
Wordsmith
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
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teflon
eExcellent example of paragraphing. Good editing job.

practically forcing, - the classic case of an unjustified adverb use

clumsily fiddle- if the adverb deserves to be here, then it should follow the verb, and only then go through the test: does it belong there?

basted-bastard

grateful" - grateful."

virginity not - virginity, not

The above errors only underscore the clumsiness of the story. I think if once it is polished, then it could carry the content and make sense.
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