twistedangel

I haven't finished it yet so ill post as much as i can. THe dark lord's lang is al bhed so heres the translator http://albhed.netfirms.com/

In her basement Camellia was painting out a pentagram with hieroglyphs in the triangles of the pentagram. Each symbol was different from the other one. In the middle was a distinct symbol. It was a crescent moon with a backwards S in the middle.
"Ur sekrdo taysuh uv dra hadran funmt yfygah drec syh syta pmyta," uttered Camellia. She continued this language and then she said, " Oh I beseech you my mighty lord grant me my wish."
"Fryd femm oui tu vun sa?" said the dark lord.
“I will bring you a vessel for a portal."
"Pnehk ed du sa po dussunufc huuh almebca"
"I vow on my life that I will by tomorrow’s noon eclipse" with her last words the voice disappeared,” I'm sorry my sister... but you are to be the portal." Camellia went to her room and set her clock to 7:00 am.
The next morning she went over to her parents. "Mom where's Matilda?" asked Camellia.
“She’s in her room... why?"
“I’m taking her to a concert and we have to leave now if we want to make It." with that she started to her sisters room. She opened the door to her room "maybe I should rethink this" she decided no she can't now or she would lose her life and only Matilda is a spiritual and physical match to the portal bearer.
“Matilda Honey I want you to come with Me." said Camellia waking her sister.
Matilda groaned stretched and said, “Where are we going? It's nearly noon."
“I know," said Camellia as she was getting nervous.
“Alright just let me get clothes on." said matilda. After they got into the church they started heading out of Brasenwood. They were on the out skirts so it wasn't the usual hustle and bustle it was a small community there on the outskirts. There about a 1/2 hours drive was the temple of the dark lord.
“What is this place...? I thou..." before Matilda could ask she was knocked out by Camellia.
Inside the dark lord spoke "Drec ec y banvald cbalesah, pid ed lyh hud pa tuha ihdem dra almebca"
"But the eclipse it’s starting...”
"Vuumecr sundym ed ec so huuhc almebca fedlr ec ouin sethekrd"
" I see then it shall be done."


edit: i used Microsoft word to find everything.

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Lost

I apologize for being so mean. It was a long day- I don't know why I took it out on you.

Anyways, all I have to say is this:

Don't use language from Final Fantasy X, especially in what seems to be a modern world. It doesn't fit in invoking demons, or 'daemons', as they were not traditionally in FFX or very high-held in power... if you're going to bring in an entirely new world to the picture you might as well come up with a new language... beleive me, it's actually kind of fun. Take time to appreciate your work.

And if you don't want to use your own language, use a traditionally spiritual language, use latin.

Other than that, it was kind of cheesy in what they said... not poetic in nature yet still corny.

I'm really sorry, you didn't deserve me being a dick.

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Checkmate.

LoneWolf

Lost, that was really mean to say. There really was no reason to say that.

Anyways, I'm not much into fan fiction myself (I didn't even know this was fan fiction) but I decided to give it a try. Reading through this I found a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. For example,

hirglypghs=hieroglyphics?
triangels=triangles
differnet=different

Also you should separate the last sentence into 2 different setences, making 'It was a cresent moon...' the new sentence.

It's pretty easy stuff to fix, just read through it a couple times and the mistakes wil most likely be evident. Also watch out for apostrophes on "tomorrow's" and others. I guess that's all I can say...I didn't really know what was going on, but the other language thing was pretty cool and the plot seemed cool as well hehe...Keep on writin!

LW

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

twistedangel

Camellia called her parents and told them that Matilda was going to spend the night. When Matilda awoke she looke around and saw that she was bound to the chair that she was sitting on. Her mouth was taped shut, her arms were bleeding. Her sister started coming don the stairs.
"You are awake now eh... well i guess your not in the mood to talk fine ill do it for you. Your wondering where you are yes? Well your in the Tempal of the dark lord. What am i doing here? Youre the portal bearer you are the ne to release Him." explained Camellia.\
"Lysammey oui ryja tuha fryd e ycgat dranavuna oui femm kad ouina fecr. Rufajan oui sicd nadinh du ouina bynahdc huf un e sekrd ryja yh ylletahd..." said the dark Lord.
"Yes my master I will go hame now and leave you with her," said Camellia. It was only 10:00 there was a full two hours till her sword became what she wanted it to be. shed just have to sleep for two hours.

I'm in school right now so i have to get to my next class bye.

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shinbook

I don't know much, I am new here and somewhat new to writing. From what it sounds like to me, you are trying to rush the story line. I would either, find a shorter "fake language" or use something that people can read, like latin, as was suggested. Try to expand a little on the details, and take your time. What helps me is to write the story line that I think of as quickly as I can, then rewrite the story expanding and adding little details. Just a thought.

twistedangel

I think I'll do my own language Ill do the expanding thing to ill probably have it posted before the end of the week. I was gonna post more but since I'm expanding I'll post the rest when I'm done.

IDon't worry about it... I can be a dick sometimes so i guess we can call this karma? Any who I'll do My own language or something I don't know Latin at all.. so thats kinda out of the question.. Thanks though.

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twistedangel

In the temple Camellia started to draw a pentagram, in the sacrificial human’s blood. In each one of the triangles pentagram she drew in black paint a symbol. First she drew a circle with a symbol of water in the middle. Triangle for fire, square for earth, pentagon for wind, and a four pointed star for light. Each polygon had a backwards S in the middle. In the pentagon in the middle there was a crescent moon with another back wards S.
As she looked up at the members of her new family each had a unique ceremonial gown which hid there face from her, but she knew them well. Most were her peers from college or her old highschool. Some she used to hate but now she loves each and everyone. She started to remember why she joined this family and why she hated these sister and brothers when their father spoke,” Daughter why do you stall? Do you not believe in this family? Do you not wish for the weapons that will help us usher in our era our Utopia?”
Many of her siblings gasped at this stream of questions.

Is this what you guys ment?

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