The American School System - Writers Forum

xxndnromeoxx · 10-06-2005, 05:18 PM

[an:83b5740935]This is my first true short story. I hope you like it.[/an:83b5740935]

The American School System

Walking down the corridors of my previous scholarly haven, a series of windows are carved into the wall on the right. A mat of light sweeps the shimmering tile floor I walk upon. Bright off-white walls complement the hallway and give it a beautiful touch. My stride reaches the middle of the hall and my back turns against the windows facing a mahogany door with a gleaming brass detailed handle. My shadow tiers over the Dean’s door from the absence of light; the intensity begins to heat up my back. I throw my wrist directly into my frontward gaze to check the time. I was ensured that in fact it was the correct time he told me to visit him. Indeed, it was. Placing my hands along the knot of my tie, I adjusted it and cleared my throat.

The door swung open with a mild pace. “Hello! Mr. Hamil! I hope you’re not too busy?”

“Nonsense, come right on in and take a seat! You haven’t come by since you graduated half a year ago!”

“I know” I began to look down to think of the past six months and smiled; after two moments I looked back at him.

“What can I say, I’ve been busy.” My eyes floated away half way through the sentence thinking about the reality of the circumstance.

“Oh, don’t you worry about a thing lad! Come, sit down, tell me how things have been.” His hand gestures swung in circles insisting I come closer to sit down.

I relayed back almost amidst the direct completion of his request. “Actually, that’s alright, I’ll stand. I just wanted to tell you something really quick before I get going. I thought I would let you know how I felt about my time here and everything I learned.”

With a puzzled look, his expressions collapsed. “Well, alright, sure, tell me what you’re meaning to tell me.” His expressions reassembled again awaiting my statement. He gathered his hands and placed them on top of the table while his back formed a lenient arch.

My stance became solid and I dropped my shoulders after taking a deep breath. While nestling my hands together in front of me, I continued. “Sure, well, I don’t know where to start. I mean to say; ever since I’ve come to college I’ve realized many things about school and its importance in life. Without this college, I can’t say that I would have realized this otherwise.” I paused for a second after seeing his face relieved and his mouth itching to speak.

“Well, I’m glad you say this, do you mind if…”

“… well Sir, I’m not done yet I hope you don’t mind if I could finish everything I have to say before you ask me anything,” I interrupted.

“Well, of course mah’ lad, go on ahead.”

“I’m sorry about that but I’ve been so eager to express myself. This place has changed me, what can I say? I’ve learned that school should be about learning for the betterment of ones self, indulging and learning everything you can! Being here, I’ve realized that it isn’t about the amount you study, it’s about what you learn from everything and what you remember in the long run and how you can apply it. It’s about how successful one can be with the education obtained through the school system. It’s about being able to carry principles and the vast knowledge dwelling in an educational institution. The tools given from knowledge are essential to help advance a person in the real world.” I stopped suddenly after lecturing quickly, almost running into my own words. I began to gather up another breath to finish the purpose of my visit but instead Mr. Hamil took it as his cue to reply.

With a delighted look, Mr. Hamil spoke. “Well! That was quite the surprise you gave me. I am glad you learned all of this from here, it makes me honored to know my students have excelled in the real world because of our school.”

A snicker spanned across the right side of my face and my eyes dressed in redemption. My back jerked up a bit as I chuckled. “I wouldn’t put it that way now, Mr. Hamil.”

I fiddled around in my pocket to grab a folded paper. I tossed it on his crowded desk as I bent over on one leg. His hands immediately grabbed it and started opening it as his eyes fixed upon the paper. As he was occupied, I turned around and reached for the door. I began to open it as my hands situated along the cold brass. As it started swinging on the hinges with half my body in the hallway, I turned around to throw some verbal words on his desk along with the note he was still trying to open in the process.

“I came here to tell you that this was learned, not directly by what the school system promisingly preached to us in our first year, but by what the school system failed to teach us throughout my four years. It is because the American school system doesn’t focus on learning, it focuses on everything but learning, including memorizing intense amounts of material never to be remembered moments after out tests. I am ashamed to think that I’ve wasted four years learning all of this on my own.”

I slammed the door and the room quaked gently. His hands finally unveiled the letter and realized what I meant. His eyes started scanning the letter in disbelief. Sitting in his brown leather chair, comforted by a promising future career, he finally read the copy of my letter.

“Letter of Unemployment.”

(c) Pratik Naik

LoneWolf · 10-06-2005, 07:17 PM

Hullo! Well, this was a good story, and I've got to say that I agree with it one hundred percent. It's pretty cool that you can incorporate your beliefs into your work; it's something that I can't do too well. I just saw a few things...

Quote:

Walking down the corridors of my previous scholarly haven, a series of windows are carved into the wall on the right.

The first sentence threw me because it doesn't really have a subject...something is walking but we don't know what. Taking out the 'walking' or adding 'I' would clear it up.

Quote:

A mat of light sweeps the shimmering tile floor I walk upon. Bright off-white walls complement the hallway and give it a beautiful touch. My stride reaches the middle of the hall and my back turns against the windows facing a mahogany door with a gleaming brass detailed handle. My shadow tiers over the Dean’s door from the absence of light; the intensity begins to heat up my back. I throw my wrist directly into my frontward gaze to check the time. I was ensured that in fact it was the correct time he told me to visit him. Indeed, it was. Placing my hands along the knot of my tie, I adjusted it and cleared my throat.

From the diction in this first, descriptive paragraph I got the feeling that he was very proper and sophisticated. Especially with the '...throw my wrist directly into my frontward gaze...' Woo that was nice, but kind of confusing. But as the story went on I began to see that he was very proper or anything, so this first paragraph seems a bit too obstentatious for the man. Did I spell that right?

Quote:

ever since I’ve come to college I’ve realized many things about school and its importance in life. Without this college, I can’t say that I would have realized this otherwise.”

Here it seems like, at first, he's saying he's still in college and then I realize he's talking about the past. Perhaps something like 'ever since I left college' would work, just to make it a bit clearer that he is, indeed, out of college.

I like the ending, though I want to make sure that I really get it. Is it that the man has become the Dean's boss or something, and fired him? If so, that's a great idea. This was great for your first true short story. Keep on writin...you have a nice vocab/diction and a way with imagery. Hope I wasn't too picky

LW

xxndnromeoxx · 10-06-2005, 08:00 PM

Hey LoneWolf, that was an amazing critique I must say! 100% of it was useful! Now I will also explain myself and answer the questions

So I do hope you do get to read this.

1st quote listed: You are totally right, I never realized it, I will fix that right away

2nd quote listed: I like how you thought of him as sophisticated! I can see how that be seen. I actually meant to subtley imply nervousness. You know whenever you are about to do something, you are always proper and ensure everything is perfect before jumping in, whether it be a speech or something else. I hope I conveyed that correctly?

3rd quote: Thank you for catching this as well! I have read this ten times, and I felt an inkling of something being out of place, I wasn't too sure. This hit it head on.

The ending: Actually, I think people have taken this in two ways

1: what you had infered, that he became the boss, which would actually be more of a dramatic ending.

but in actuality the ending was as follows:

From speaking about how he did not learn anything in college that applied to his future, everything but he listed what college should be, he had a hard time in life. I sprinkled it throughout the area with subtle words. The letter of employment was actualyl for 'me' or him, not the Dean.

Do you think it was conveyed right?

LoneWolf · 10-06-2005, 08:18 PM

Ohhhh I get it now!! I like your way a lot better because it really proves his point and kind of shows the fate of many people today. So yeah, that's awesome! lol

I'm sooo happy that you liked my critique! I'm usually pretty nervous about critiquing but thanks for letting me know I do it right!

About the 2nd quote, I see what you mean now. I can see the subtle little hints of nervousness. But I think that maybe you could go a bit further with it, you know, to show how nervous he really is. You could say uh...that his eyes darted from the windows to the door to his watch in an almost frenzied anticipartion, or something. The last sentence about him fixing his tie is good. Maybe this is going a bit overboard, but I was thinking maybe at the end he could mutter something like, Ready or Perfect to himself. But I dunno...that could be too obvious.

Now that I think about it more I also like the fact that he seems sophisticated! It kind of tricks the reader...you're thinking it's about this sophisticated guy and find out that he's really not that sophisticated. That's how it kind of was in the story. He started off as sophisticated, then as the story progressed you could see him shedding the layers, the mask, if you will.

Argh sorry I am writing a novel here lol. But yes, now that you explain it I love the story a lot. Lots of things to see and interpret. I hope I didn't bore you to death with my ramblings

And yes, you conveyed everything perfectly! Thanks!

LW

xxndnromeoxx · 10-06-2005, 09:09 PM

Wolf- you are truely kind! Do not fear, you can write as much as you want because I enjoy reading what you have to say about my work

. And you have a good point there that I will probably input into the story about the anticipation part. I appreciate that greatly. You seem like an interesting person, how old are you, if I may ask?

and yes, his character and composure began to unravel as time went on from just wanting to finish and get it done with. I put alot of depth inside with those intricate words that may seem useless, but seems necessary once you re read it

LoneWolf · 10-06-2005, 10:10 PM

Good! I'm glad I wasn't boring you or anything. Thank you for saying that I seem interesting...I'm 17. How old are you, if I may ask?

I bet it takes a long time to think up words and phrases like that. Those are some of the things that I have to work on; being patient and describing in full detail. Oh well...I think I will read your other story tomorrow night so watch out for me!

LW

xxndnromeoxx · 10-07-2005, 11:33 AM

Hey Lone, first and foremost I wanted to tell you that I decided not to change the part about 'ever since I've come to college' because I went through the story and I saw that in the beginning I had stated 'previous scholarly haven' which indicates the same part. And once the reader gets to 'once I've come...' it's like a flashback in a way from beginning to end

. I hope that makes sense.

Cool! I'm glad your here

I rarely get to see and meet young poets and all. I am actually 20, but I started writing at your age, please don't give up! I stopped for a year or so just for no reason now I look back at my older poems and oogle at them because I am just a mere shadow compared to what I was

. So I have catching up to do. So please don't stop

.

Actually, these phrases kind of pop into my head while writing them, I can't explain it but they somewhat came to me 'after my experience' , so you could say my set of emotions replaced the ones I was born with

. So I guess that's the inspiration which I use, especially a sense of description and surrealistc analogies. I close my eyes and feel the moment and a equal situation comes to mind that feels just like that emotion I am experiencing. So it will probably be the same for you eventually, thinking of phrases and such! I hope the best of luck to you

gohn67 · 10-09-2005, 10:10 PM

Hey Pratik,
Interesting message; at times I do feel like my education is worthless and wonder why I don't just drop out. Well I guess the obvious reason more is I've already paid too much money in tuition to quit now.

Quote:

Walking down the corridors of my previous scholarly haven, a series of windows are carved into the wall on the right.

Opening sentences are important and this one doesn't work for me because it reads very clunky and I think it is a run on.

Also I think you tend to use to many -ing verbs. When possible try to use the the regular form(instead of walking , use walk) I think it just reads better like that. I know how you hate the - I do this. I do that. - type of sentences, but I think they work better for fiction. They are more consice and easier to read.

It seems like in this piece, that you're struggling between trying to be poetic and also telling a story in a more direct way.(note how the the use of three -ing verbs in this sentence makes it read very clunky.) For example when you use "scholarly haven" instead of "University".

I think you got to choose one style or the other. Either poetic or more direct and blunt, utilzing more short sentences.

Quote:

“Nonsense, come right on in and take a seat! You haven’t come by since you graduated half a year ago!

Cut the part in bold, sounds way to forced. No one in real life would say that. I think you were trying to sneak in some extra background info, but it sacrificed the realism of your dialogue.

I think overall your dialogue in this piece, sounded a bit forced. Like you were just telling us your message through the protagonist.

I can relate to the message but the delivery could have been better. I'm sure you heard this before, show don't tell, and no disguising it as dialogue doesn't work either.

LoneWolf · 10-09-2005, 10:34 PM

Hullo again,

About the "'ever since I've come to college'" part, I kind of see what you mean. It's all good...you are, after all, the author! lol...I can't believe you think I'm young! Don't worry, I won't give up. I've been writing since I could write, this my first true love, basically the first thing I learned how to do. Though in those days I wanted to write and illustate kid's books, but only because I could make pretty pictures about stuff lol. You're right...phrases and descriptions will probably come to me later. I'm just too eager to put down words right now. You're a great writer, though. Have you registered for NaNoWriMo? You really should. Best luck to you as well.

GOHN: Where'd you get that smiley?

LW

gohn67 · 10-09-2005, 10:46 PM

Quote:

GOHN: Where'd you get that smiley?

Just type what it says in the code box.

Code:

:razz:

shinbook · 10-09-2005, 11:28 PM

romeo,
Great story line. I have to agree that the dialogue sounds forced. I have that problem too. I guess that's why I hardly ever write it. I just try to imagine what I would say in a situation and thats what I write, regardless if it flows or poetic or what, I think it usually turns out better that way. other than that, I think it is awesome. I'm in school right now and I think the same thing about college already. What a waste, I can't wait till Grad school. Look forward to more from you.

xxndnromeoxx · 10-10-2005, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gohn67

Hey Pratik,
Interesting message; at times I do feel like my education is worthless and wonder why I don't just drop out. Well I guess the obvious reason more is I've already paid too much money in tuition to quit now.

Opening sentences are important and this one doesn't work for me because it reads very clunky and I think it is a run on.

Also I think you tend to use to many -ing verbs. When possible try to use the the regular form(instead of walking , use walk) I think it just reads better like that. I know how you hate the - I do this. I do that. - type of sentences, but I think they work better for fiction. They are more consice and easier to read.

It seems like in this piece, that you're struggling between trying to be poetic and also telling a story in a more direct way.(note how the the use of three -ing verbs in this sentence makes it read very clunky.) For example when you use "scholarly haven" instead of "University".

I think you got to choose one style or the other. Either poetic or more direct and blunt, utilzing more short sentences.

Cut the part in bold, sounds way to forced. No one in real life would say that. I think you were trying to sneak in some extra background info, but it sacrificed the realism of your dialogue.

I think overall your dialogue in this piece, sounded a bit forced. Like you were just telling us your message through the protagonist.

I can relate to the message but the delivery could have been better. I'm sure you heard this before, show don't tell, and no disguising it as dialogue doesn't work either.

Gohn, I must say you can read me like a book, you can tell the parts that were forced or uneven. I admit that I tried to put some background information in quotes, it fooled most people. But it's amazing, almost like a fortune teller or a fortune cookie (hehe). I will revise what you have listed, because I believe you are correct. It's amazing how you can 'feel' these things, I really think so! Even the -ing verbs, the reason being is if I do not start out a sentence with 'I', I usually start out with a verb with ing, otherwise I get confused how to mix up sentences. I guess that's the product of a mental block.

Quote:

show don't tell, and no disguising it as dialogue doesn't work either.

I like this advice

I was toppling over to one side or the other when using description or telling a story, I think I should stick to just telling the story more and leave out being poetic, especially for stories.

I will revise this whenever I can, your advice is much appreciated and welcome as always!

xxndnromeoxx · 10-10-2005, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shinbook

romeo,
Great story line. I have to agree that the dialogue sounds forced. I have that problem too. I guess that's why I hardly ever write it. I just try to imagine what I would say in a situation and thats what I write, regardless if it flows or poetic or what, I think it usually turns out better that way. other than that, I think it is awesome. I'm in school right now and I think the same thing about college already. What a waste, I can't wait till Grad school. Look forward to more from you.

Thank you for the comments and suggestions! it's much appreciated. Especially

Quote:

I just try to imagine what I would say in a situation and thats what I write, regardless if it flows or poetic or what, I think it usually turns out better that way.

This is probably what I should be doing instead