Short Short—Survivor (PG-13, language) - Writers Forum

Hodge · 10-02-2005, 04:19 AM

Missed it.

Chris Miller · 10-02-2005, 08:38 AM

Hey Hodge,

This is a cool idea for a story, and well written in the sense that grammatical errors were not apparent. I feel like there were some credibility issues and some lack of patience/corner cutting issues. You could make a story like this much longer and instead of synopsizing what has happened so much (in the past perfect tense), actually let us experience it. I mean, the journey is the thing, not only the destination (to abuse a cliche).

I liked the ending in a poetic justice way, but in a way I was disappointed. I mean, it might have been interesting to deposit this guy on a paradise world where he was supreme, perhaps with a woman psycho, and let the fun begin, something epic. It just occurred to me that it could even be Earth (long ago) except for the Herbert reference. They could be Adam and Eve. Would explain a lot. Anyway, I know I’ve drifted off, but it shows the potential I see here.

Notes:

"stilly groggy"
still

"...not all criminals were illiterate idiots."
I would have thought because they have a lot of time on their hands, not because they were smart.

Who shoots themselves twice committing suicide?

Qualifiers like “apparently” and “luckily” (and adverbs in general) really weaken the credibility and flow.

"...of a giant corporation on Earth"
Specifics go a long way in situations like this.

Overusing the word “strewn.”

eggo · 10-02-2005, 09:52 AM

Hey Hodge,

Very nice story that had me at the beginning and kept me reading right through till the end. It was well written with very few, if any errors.
I liked it. There were a few things that went against my grain a bit,

Quote:

Jason coughed as he made his way through the stricken vessel,

The vehicle could be stricken with something, but a saying a " Stricken Vehicle" doesn't sound quite right.

Even though you disclaim the fact he likes tight asses, having two other characters that feel the same way, is much more man ass than I prefer reading about.

Lastly, the ending. This guy seems to me to prefer the mechanization of soceity. I think he would be hard pressed to leave the ship unless he had too.

I think if he was chased away from the ship by a few remaining guards, only to discover the lack of oxygen, it would be a bit more fitting. Just Thinkin'.

Thanks for the read.

Hodge · 10-02-2005, 02:29 PM

Chris: who does shoot themself twice when commiting suicide? I didn't think about that at all. Whoops. I'll have to fix that...

Thanks for the comments, this is something I wrote a while back—inspired by the game Unreal. But then I thought, "what if it's a paradise with one flaw: no oxygen?"

Eggo: thanks! I should probably make it more apparent that Jason likes his freedom...

semtecks · 10-02-2005, 03:12 PM

Hey Hodge,

I don't get to read your work often, but it's a pleasure when I do.
This was a well written piece which I enjoyed immensely. I didn't see the end coming, but it's something I always wondered about Dune: I mean, desert planet, where's the oxegen coming from?

My only complaint is: I'd like to see more of the other prisoners -- how about Hammer's catcalls, and so forth, as he calls out to Jason at night.

It's definately wort an expansion, in my opinion.

gohn67 · 10-02-2005, 11:07 PM

Hey Hodge,
The piece is well written, but I agree with some of the others that it needs expanding.

I like Chris' idea of having him survive.

Wyndstar · 10-02-2005, 11:37 PM

Overall, the writing is very good on this, but I have to agree, could use for a bit more of this story.

I have a problem with the way the man performs his assasinations. He first shoots them with his gun, and then with the owner's gun. Even if the target managed to shoot himself twice, two wounds would raise suspicion, its doubtful your murderer could manage the proper angle twice, and I think that there would be differences in the bullets--you didn't mention if the murder's gun was the same as the owner's.

Plant life and animal life without air?

I think I would have prefered something more lingering in the way of death, but that is just the savage in me I suppose.

doctor · 11-06-2005, 03:55 AM

I thought this was a pretty good piece hodge! Free flowing and easy to read.

It's a great concept, but i definately agree with the others who say it could use expanding. A little bit more body. Personally, though, I enjoyed the ending; no need to change that.