ConditionedMentally

A Vision Once Let Go

The sky began to darken as the gleaming moonlight glared upon the isolated stage which lay beyond the tall petrifying trees. This stage was a training ground for an old man and his 14 year old grandson practicing the art of martial arts. Following in his grandfather’s movements, Vain was quick to learn the advanced steps of the art. His grandfather, 70 years young hid his age very well through his agile mobility and youthful body. His white shoulder length hair fell upon his disciplined face as he struck his long stick forward. “Watch and learn.” His voice was a soft whisper that flew with the wind to rustle the trees. Vain was to imitate all of what his grandfather did both in the art and in life. It was his destiny. His grandfather stopped and returned his stick to resume its motionless state. “How did I do?” Vain’s curiosity could be seen through his enterprising face, it was at its peak. “You have done well, my boy.” His grandfather smiled, revealing his slightly arched teeth. “Remember, this is where you belong and this is how you must live. Be a leader. You’ll understand someday.” On this day Vain had a vision and revelation that changed his life. A vision once let go, a vision to be a leader and promote peace. He wanted to be able to live in a society where chronic dispute was not the norm. The passing of Vain’s grandfather did not change this vision, but did weaken it. For he was now lost and in conflict with himself. Can he carry on with what his grandfather wanted? Can he stand up to creatures of different races who overdo him in strength potential? Could his greatest enemy be himself? And so the story begins three years later….

There stood an island surrounded by a large body of salty blue water. This island surrounded by tall daunting trees, contained three villages. The three villages contained two races that each had their own chief. The races were Human and Xeron (giant bore like creatures). The 2 races competed among each other for food and goods when they were in each other’s territory. Fights over these delicates usually resulted in death and the island was quickly getting smaller and smaller in population. The Xerons were the ones in command because of their intimidating size and overwhelming power. Peace was rarely the norm, but it was what Vain’s grandfather dreamed of and was one dream Vain plans to accomplish.

Vain was on his daily morning jog part of his martial arts training when he spotted something interesting through the crowd of humans. “That would be 17 rupees, sir.” Stated the human fruit merchant to a group of Xerons. The human looked miniature in comparison to the giant intimidating hog creatures, who plucked an apple from the merchant’s fruit stand. One of the Xerons moved its head closer to the merchant. “What if I don’t feel like paying?” he taunted as he spat out his saliva at the merchant, only to withdraw and share a beastly chuckle with his group. The merchant was outmatched; he had to lose out on the sale.

Vain, witnessing this, knew that he had to put a stop to it. Being the clever young man that he was, he decided to run through the crowd of humans. As he ran, squeezing through the swarming multitude, he proceeded to “bump into” the group of Xerons. “Whoops, excuse me” stammered Vain as he ran on. “Watch where you go, human!” Growls a Xeron, although the bump hardly faced him. “Humans are the clumsiest of all” growls another. The Xeron who was bumped into brought his hand to his mouth expecting an apple to be there, where to his surprise contained absolute zilch.

Vain was able to hear the whining of the Xerons from afar as he produced a mischievous smile to back up his dirty trick. Reaching a fork in the road, he proceeds to reveal the stolen apple in his hand. Crunching on it, he turned to his home and continued walking toward it. Vain is soon met by who he considered to be his only family since the death of his real family do to the race wars. His friends Jamie and Ramirez were also skilled in martial arts. “Hey Vain, what took so long?” asked Jamie, elevating her eyebrow. “I...uh…I got hungry” replied Vain after a slight hesitation, raising his half eaten apple. “You were fooling around again, weren’t you?” Said Ramirez, folding his arms and slanting his head with a look of concern. The answer was obvious to Vain’s friends. “Hey, a man’s gotta eat.” countered Vain as he lowered his head and walked through his friends, continuing to his earlier destination. “Vain….how are we suppose to count on you like this?” stammered Jamie while having an annoyed look on her otherwise cheery face. Vain turned around with a balked look in his eyes. “Why me, huh?” He replied in irritation. “Why does it have to be me? Jamie…I’m no leader.” His voice turned into a saddened whisper, as he lowered his and head and turned to walk to his house again. “But your grandfather told you-“ Jamie stops Ramirez from finishing his sentence by putting her hand on his shoulder. “Let him go.” She said with her voice now in normal tone now. “He probably needs some time alone.” They watch as Vain proceeds to enter his house in a rather slow pace.

Going inside his house and suffering from internal conflict, Vain eyed around the neatly organized setting for an area to relax and collect his thoughts. He proceeds to his fireplace and takes a seat on the polished floor. “Ramirez is right” he whispered in grief. “I have to do this. It’s…what is meant...” Vain paused to collect his confused thoughts. He stroked his hair with both his hands in agony. “What…am I going to do?” he finally spat out. “Poor grandfather…he put his trust in me. A worthless, no good mortal. I am nothing, how can I ever be a leader?” Vain was now more misled and discouraged than ever before. There were people counting on him, and as self sufficient as he was it was difficult for him. “Why can’t I just be me? Why do I have to be leader? What is my purpose?” Vain kept these questions in repetition at the back of his mind as he got up. His head still low; he walked to the front door of his house in a grieving manner. As he reached for the door knob, a chilly scream echoed through the wooden entrance of his home. Vain’s reflexes were quick to associate the scream with danger as his eyes turned from sorrowful to determined. He immediately grabbed the door knob and in one swift turn, opened the door only to witness a Xeron holding his friends up with both hands and attacking them verbally – a typical day at the village.

“Tell your friend to give me what he stole!” roared the Xeron as drool from his mouth spattered out to Ramirez and Jamie’s faces. Jamie and Ramirez, not wanting to give their friend into a world of hurt, kept quiet. The wind grew as Vain’s confusion fused with his desire for peace and his anger towards any who hurt his only family, began to rise. He called out at the Xeron. “Hey you!” The Xeron was quick to swift his attention towards the figure standing at the doorstep as the wind blew on his hair and clothes. Vain shut his eyes. “I’m the one you want.” He stated in almost a whisper. While eyeing Vain, the Xeron releases Jamie and Ramirez. He flashed an impish smile across his face as he turned to walk toward the hero of the day. “Vain, no! You don’t have to do this!” Jamie tried to evoke Vain but failed as she is stopped by a massive arm of another Xeron who blocks both her and Ramirez from any form of advancement. The Xeron continued closer to Vain who remains motionless with his head hanging low. As the wind whistles Vain’s deadly fate louder and louder, the Xeron’s mischievous smile gets wider and wider. “Your death shall take place tonight, human.” Declared the Xeron as he proceeded to walk closer with his heavy, yet slow pace. “You are going to leeeearn not to fool around with Xeros.” He continued. Vain decided to stay still until the Xeron was just inches away from grabbing his collar. Then, without warning, he revealed his purposeful eyes once covered by his eyelids and almost immediately threw an unhesitating fist right at the Xeron’s colossal snout. “Arrrrrgggggg!!!!” screamed the Xeron, clutching his gigantic face with both his hands. Vain then delivered a vigorous kick right into the massive stomach of the bore creature which knocked down to the ground him with sheer ease.

His friends cheered as Vain is seen as a dominant being between him and the Xeron. The other Xeron guarding Jamie and Ramirez was panic-stricken by the event he just witnessed causing immediate retaliation to come to mind. He raced at a quicker pace than that of his fallen friend to the motionless Vain. As he came closer, Vain jumped over him with both knees bent, and delivered a dropkick on the Xeron’s back forcing him to crumble down on his slain ally. Jamie and Ramirez stood in utter disbelief to see their friend take complete control of the situation. “Maybe he is leadership material after all, Jamie.” Stated Ramirez in an optimistic tone. “I told you he knew what he was doing!” Jamie turned her cheery face towards Vain. “Good job, Vain!” The two Xerons were quick to retreat as Vain turned to his friends. “I’m not finished.” He said as he walked passed them. “There is one more thing I need to do.” His friends were favorable in letting him accomplish what he needed to do; they knew it was his destiny.

Upon entering the Xeron village, Vain is neither intimated nor alarmed by the atmosphere and the lurking creatures that are nearly twice his size. The air is much thicker here, and the feeling is a lot less welcoming. The setting is like a chalky western town, with sand sweeping the dusty yet callous base. The bottom of Vain’s boots take possession of a dusty surrounding as his legs take him to his desired location down the wide sooty trail with roomy buildings by its sides. Silence takes over as the Xeron creatures look fixedly upon Vain like a lion looking on a cuisine. Humans entering Xeron villages weren’t typical normality. Not intimidated by any of this, Vain continued until he reached a lofty unnerving construction. This was the chief’s house. After staring at it in detail for a few seconds, he proceeded to enter spooky building.

“Who goes there?!” the heavily low pitched voice is so immediate, it catches Vain by surprise. “I’m Vain.” He gallantly stated. The solid base of the building began to rumble as the giant bore creature revealed its truthful self. “What do you want?” He growled. “Stop hurting my friends.” Demanded Vain. “You’ve done enough to hurt us humans. Stop.” The bore creature roared in amusement, the type of laughter that can only be seen on Xerons. “And what if we don’t??” The creature brought its bulky drool filled mug next to Vain’s face, eagerly anticipating an answer. “Then I have no choice but to destroy you.” Stated Vain with a driven look in his eyes. The chief Xeron, struck by the sudden feeling of shock, moves its head back away from Vain’s. “For years and years, you humans have tried and failed. What makes you think you can now?” The Xeron’s tone is now serious. “Because I now have a vision.” Replied Vain. “A vision once let go by my generations because no one was brave enough to take you on and the slight amount that did, were defeated. Since then, for years now, no one has done anything about it.” Vain draws his martial arts stick. “I plan to change this, no matter what the end result.” The Xeron is shocked by the words approaching Vain’s confirmed mouth. “You are one brave child.” The Xeron’s serious tone remains. He actively studied, Vain who was determined to keep his driven look. “And you do realize this could bring forth your death, right?” His drool began to deluge the floor. “That is an indeterminate conclusion.” Replied Vain, raising his stick into combat form. “But my grandfather told me something I will never let down. This is my true purpose. I will become a leader. Obstacles are meant to be overcome.”


End.

Any Criticism or feedback would be great. Thanks.

gohn67

Hi Condition Mentally,
If it doesn't affect your story in a negative way, is it possible for you to unitalize the story; it will make it much easier to read. Thanks. And I will read it tomorrow possibly.

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ConditionedMentally

Oh I'm sorry. Fixed.


Thanks for the consideration.

gohn67

Hi ConditionedMentally,
This was written well, grammatically and spellingwise for the most part.

You have nice plot, it follows sort of a formula, that alot of stories use. And it works.

you start off with giving background info, then create a problem for him that he has to overcome, and then he overcomes the problem.

Although the ending is interesting as it doesn't really end, but I get the feeling that he will win somehow, based on what I read. You create in your story a feeling that makes me think that Vain will win.

This is preference, I guess, but in your action scenes, you want to try to make the story go faster, give a feeling of action. Because in the action scenes, you use alot grammatically correct structures, but they don't necearrily create tension or a feeling of action.
They slow it down.
Here's a decent tutorial on how to make your actions scenes a bit more intense.
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/farp/t...ra2action.html

The other thing is your tenses shift sometimes from past to present. Just go over it, you should find them.

Dialogue format is a bit off, becuase you put all your dialogue in one paragraph. And when you have a long dialogue exchange it is difficult to follow.

Like this part
Scroll down to Daniela's post about Dialogue. That should help you with the formating.
http://www.writingforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=11158

One more thing. It is small, but bore, I think is boar.

Good work. It reminds me alot of warcraft for some reason, even though it's not really like warcraft, but that's what came to my mind as I read this. Hope to see more stuff from you.

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