The Ice Queen (flash 403 words) - Writers Forum

semtecks · 09-28-2005, 03:48 PM

Kitty is driving. It is late and she still has a long, long way to go. The radio drones on endlessly -- typhoon in Japan; War Between the States and North Korea looks inevitable; workers at several airports are going to strike, which could cause serious delays; serial killer strikes again, a hitchhiker, who --

She switches it off.

It’s starting to snow now, pretty soon the black asphalt she sees will be white. Her headlights pick out the shape of a man walking on the hard shoulder. She slows down and watches him. He’s wearing a faded Mac and his hair is being thrown about in the growing wind. She pulls up in front of him and brings the car to a stop.

He runs toward the car and opens the door.

"Thank God you stopped." He’s young -- about twenty-five -- his hair is long, and his face is handsome -- his nose and cheeks have turned bright red. "I thought I was going to freeze to death."

"No problem," Kitty says. "Where’re you heading?"

The man sniffs. "Anywhere, really."

Kitty smiles at him. "It's your lucky day, big-boy, jump in."

He sits down, closing the door after him. The snow is kicking up now, dancing in secret patterns in front of the head lights. Pretty soon she’ll have to stop at a motel.

She puts her foot down on the accelerator.

The man's hair is covered in fine confetti-like snow, he runs his hand through it, and says, "My name's Francis, by the way."

"Kitty, nice to meet you. Not a good night to be out hitchhiking, Francis."

He looks out the window where the snow is coming down thin and fast, so fast it will bite into your skin if you let it.

"I didn't know the weather was going to turn." He looks at Kitty, smiling. "But it all seemed to turn out just right, didn't it?"

Kitty nods.

Francis reaches for the radio. He asks, "Do you mind if I put it on?"

Kitty shakes her head.

He turns the radio on and tunes it to the nearest station.

“. . . police are continuing their investigation into the Ice Queen who has killed twelve hitchhikers in the last few weeks . . ."

Kitty reaches into her pocket, and brings out the ice-pick. Francis will make thirteen . . . but there’s still a long, long way to go.

Hound · 09-28-2005, 04:09 PM

Very nice. You did a good job of trying to get the reader to think the obvious in such a short piece. Which is rather hard to do considering we know that you wouldn't be so uncreative as to make the hitchhiker the killer.

I was able to picture it very nicely in my mind due to your descriptions of the weather and of the hitchhiker.

Thanks for the great read.

~Dave

Chris Miller · 09-28-2005, 04:12 PM

Hey, cool story semtecks.

What a snap. There are few places I would word, punctuate and split paragraphs differently, but pretty clean.

You really nailed me with the ending.

The radio announcement at the beginning is a mix of past and present tense. I might try the whole story in the present tense. Its size and punch really seem to cry out for it.

Nice work in any case though. Seems like an opener for something.

Wyndstar · 09-28-2005, 04:12 PM

And here I was talking to someone about the female of the insect species being the deadlier.

This was really easy to read, semtecks, and though its been done, I sort of get a kick out of stories like this when they're brief, well written, and tell me the guy is handsome. I still get to think maybe she won't kill him, but will do something else instead.

gohn67 · 09-28-2005, 04:27 PM

Hey Semtecks, welcome back.
I liked it. Totally surprised me. Wasn't expecting that to happen. Like Hound said, I thought it was going to be the hitchhiker killing her.

Quote:

The radio droned on endlessly -- typhoon in Japan; war between the States and North Korea looked inevitable; workers at several airports were going to strike, which could cause serious delays; serial killer strikes again, a hitchhiker, who --

I liked this paragraph. I really like all the semi-colon use here. Makes it go quicker, and sort of makes me miss the last line, where it talks about the hitchhiker.

semtecks · 09-28-2005, 04:34 PM

Thanks for commenting guys,

Hound,

Thanks Hound, I was worried people would twig (like you said, no one would beleve the hitcher was the killer, it's just too dam obvious). but I tried my best, and I'm glad it worked out.

Chris,

Glad you liked it Chris, thanks for pointing out the tense switch on the radio broadcast -- it's pretty rough at the moment, i haven't gven it a proper edit yet -- didn't think it was worth it. But since you guy like it i'll go back and check it out.

Actually, you got me. I am writing a story abut a wandering female killer --- this just sort of led me into it -- it's quite bit differnet though. All i'll say at this point is that she drives a humvee and uses Imigrant Song by Led Zeppelin as she strikes.

Wyndstar,

The female of EVERY species is the deadlier, trust me.lol

quote:I still get to think maybe she won't kill him, but will do something else instead.

Ahh, the Black Widow thing, maybe, maybe . . .

semtecks · 09-28-2005, 04:39 PM

Thanks Gohn, It's good to be back.

Graff · 09-28-2005, 05:18 PM

Glad to have you back Sem!

I just got home from work and read your story. This one is definitely up there with the best of em'. I really liked it.

The ending caught me totally off guard, which you are known for around these parts! Great job!

There is nothing in this piece I would change. It's great the way it is.

Again, it's good to see you back, I missed reading your awesome stories.

whitt45 · 09-28-2005, 05:59 PM

That rocks! totally drew me in.

I caught this fragment:

Quote:

It’s starting to snow now, pretty soon the black asphalt she sees.

Unless I'm misreading it?

semtecks · 09-28-2005, 06:14 PM

Thanks guys. I've taken Chris's sugestion, changed the story t present tense. It seems to work better that way.

Graff,

Thanks Graff, I wasn't going to post untill you asked me to, glad you liked it.

Whit,

Thanks, man. Thnks for pointing out the frag, its been sorted.