Lost

It was when my girlfriend dumped me that I decided to kill myself. I came home from school and put a plastic bag over my head and fastened it with duct tape. I then layed down and just let it take effect.

Now I'm dead and trying to tell you my story. My room has been cleared out, my parents buried me. I hear they actually moved, but that's about all I can hear from my hometown. I know a lot of the rumors that circulate here thanks largely to the goth kids that go to the cemetary late at night and talk about how much life sucks. After a while I beg to differ, death sucks.

They usually like to hang out at my grave sight and tell eachother how well they knew me. Then they usually compare me to themselves. My ex decided to visit me once. She brought flowers, the sweetheart. She even brought her friends and broke down. Her long, drawn out sobs almost made me cry myself. I could feel the tears landing on the edge of my coffin and soaking in the surface. She spoke at my funeral about how well involved we were and how she loved me. She told everyone we were going to get married. The relationship I had with her was great, but I doubt I'd go so far to say as we'd get married. We were in 9th grade.

To tell you the truth, it wasn't her breaking up with me that started this story. It was just life in general, time and time again I just seemed to fail everything I did. I actually didn't even really like her. Apparently she really liked me, she visits every night with her friends and they pray at my tombstone. That's why I didn't like her, she was way too christian. Not christian in a sense that she loved god and abided by his rules. She showed up at my house and we were immediately going at it like two champion fighters. I doubt she found anything other than a need to show her friends how holy she was. That was another reason I did it, I'm sick of fakers. Prancing around talking about how much better than everyone else they are because they beleive in something everyone else does.

The truth is, there is no God. I'm stuck here in the dirt because I beleived in God. God has gotten me nowhere but pissed off.

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Checkmate.

Chris Miller

Interesting, a story that begins with a suicide instead of ends with one. I'd give it high marks for that alone.

But it's a nicely written, thoughty little tale as well. Nice easy read.

I was a little unclear as to whether the girlfriend dumping him was the staw or not. It almost reads like the writer changed his mind, but then couldn't be bothered to change the beginning.

Then she comes to his grave every night--with her friends--and prays. So do all the other cool goth kids--who like to pretend they knew him. It seems like this guy is more popular dead than he ever was alive. But somehow I don't think it works that way, not for very long any how.

Odd tense. Seems like it should just be simple past.

"I went home from school, put a plastic bag over my head and fastened it with duct tape. Then I lay down and just let it take effect."

But, pretty well written, and a nice idea.

Thanks for the read, lost.

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the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

Hound

An interesting story, I enjoyed it, even if I don't agree with the ending.

A few things I'd like to mention though. At first you say your girlfriend visited you once, but then later you say that she comes with her friends everyday...

Also, I wouldn't use christian in the way you did. I don't recall it ever being used in that way. It can mean to show affection etc., but I wouldn't call a girl who comes over for the sole intentions you mentioned, christian.

Just my thoughts...

~Dave

gohn67

hey Lost,
Nicely written. But I agree with the others. There seems to be a lot of things that don't go together. It seems inconsistent on its direction.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

Lost

2.0x + 4.0y = 78
3.7x + 7.4y = 89

Inconsistent.

Anyways... I began to write it and halfway through I got writers block. I wanted the reader to think the guy liked his girl so much, but then got down to the actual reason and realizing it has nothing to do with her.

I wanted him to not like her and do it because he can't see why it's worth it to continue with fakers around.

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Checkmate.

eggo

Hey Lost,

Although roughly written, you say some very profound things here.

You postulate that religion is a shame. A shallow coat the religious wear like a badge of courage, is actually cardboard. That it will not save you or redeem you.And in the end will leave you rotting in the ground.

I understand the point, but what your story is missing is the solution. You have to find the positive to show the antithesis of your reasoning. If hope does not lie in religion, then what? Is the one thing he wasted, life, the only precious thing he had?

Work this story a bit. I think you have an excellent first draft.


Thanks for the read.

LoneWolf

Hullo, Lost.

I, too, liked the story very much. I thought it was a cool idea, though as everyone said, it was missing something. The ending was slightly off, though I did love the last sentence. Here's some stuff to think about:

It could be more parallel...My room has been cleared out, my parents have buried me.

sight=site

I was a disbelieving of the first part. Could her tears really make it all the way down to his coffin and still soak into it? I knew it was coming, and then you dropped it..."We were in 9th grade" lol...just goes to show how crazy people get when faced with death and such.

Anyways, just some stuff to ponder on. I agree with eggo...polish this story, it's a unique idea.

LW

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