Standing The Red - Writers Forum

demon_ · 09-26-2005, 10:46 PM

Not telling about this story (I don't even now what is going to happen; I'm writing with what brews in my mind ^_^)

~~~

I saw her the first time she walked into the Marie's Restaurant. I didn't care what others thought about her, but something definitely stole my heart, and I didn't know why.

Usually I and others, refer me as shallow and that I only think about sex. But she was totally different. All the local girls couldn't make my heart feel like this in a million years. I was confused.

When I left the restaurant, it wasn't until the beginning of school when I saw her again, four weeks later. The funny part was that she sat beside me. My cousin, Rachael, had all ready met her some weeks ago, so she knew her probably well.

Every time I copied notes from the board, I caught my self staring at her. The way her black hair covered the side of her face; the way she wrote in such a neat, formal way. When she caught me with the corner of her eye, I immediately looked around as if she didn't matter.

My best friend, Garret, had met this girl named Teri and found themselves going out, which shocked me literally. I never would have thought Garret would got a girl before me; after all, I'm always bragging of how attracting I am. However, ever moment they shared times, even the smallest times together, the more determined I became over this girl, Adrian.

~~~

"Chad!" Cried a distant voice. When I turned I saw Rachael jogging towards me. "I was wondering if..." she stopped barely breathing. "... if you would like to go out with Adrian."

Heart skipped.

I never would have expected such a lucky, or more beautiful time to say yes. Would I say yes to a million dollars? I think so. Would I say yes to a girl who remains in my heart? Definitely.

"Okay..." I barely said, as I was very baffled.

"Really?" She said seeming very shocked. "You like Adrian? Hmmm.." Then she added a smile.

Now this is the part were I turn and walk home with a smile, I thought. So I turned around and found my self wanting to tap dance or shout aloud Yes!. Then I started pulling the pictures out of my heart and began dreaming or picturing in a way: I saw her walking beside me laughing, telling stories, and most surprisingly, all of it to me. I never felt such an experience, such a power. Her voice whispered into my ear I love you.

I blurred out my mind and overran it with my heart. Adrian. I swear love can overwhelm anything. I swear.

~~~

. . . . .

So how do you like it so far? Don't worry there's more.

Chris Miller · 09-28-2005, 09:31 AM

You do a good and honest job of describing puppy love, initial love, crushing love, infatuation. I could really relate.

The piece is riddled with grammatical errors. So much so that at one point I wondered if English was your first language. But no, I think you have just not proofed it enough. You could easily make it cleaner and thus more powerful and interesting.

I'm looking forward to the next part where Adrian's giggling starts to get on his nerves; the way she snorts and talks like a baby starts to really bug him; her obsession with horses starts to bore him; her pale gothic complexion starts to look sickly; and her voluptuous curves start to make her look squat. And he falls head-over-heels for her girlfriend.

Chris

Hound · 09-28-2005, 04:20 PM

There are certainly a lot of grammatical errors. A good proof read will work wonders for the flow of the story.

I like it so far, and would like to see where you go with it from here. If you decide to keep it so upbeat or not.

I must say... it sure would be great if the girls we liked asked US out... would really help cut down on those rejections... =)

~Dave

demon_ · 09-28-2005, 07:11 PM

Grammar, my worst enemy. Soon to be my greatest allie.

Thanks guys.

And the next part will suprise you. but I'm currently working on something new. The girlfriend thingy isn't the story, it is what brings the story to life.