Deathwishboy

Updated stuff. Errors corrected and more story below.

OK so this is my first post, but by no means the first time that no one gives me feedback on this story. So against all odds and repetative "Non replying" here's the start of the incomplete story. The reason why it is un complete is I'm hoping more people will reply saying they would like to see more or wouldn't. Sounds strange but, ahem well read it.

The present sat there facing Hailey. It’s bright wrapping paper was covered in hoping bunny’s, Hailey’s favourite animal as a child. But Hailey wasn’t a child any longer she was 12 and this would be her 13th birthday the time her brain cells begin to grow out of immature things such as…bunny’s. But would her parents listen…no.

They still treated her like she was a newborn brat. Hailey didn’t need to see what was in the present to know what it was, she knew already. Hailey sighed and pouted her lips. It was normally some childish toys with a recommended age level of 3+ due to small parts and the swallowing hazard. The only thing Hailey had been swallowing since she received these types of presents was her anger the fact that her parents;

Wouldn’t treat her like a human being, and more like one of her toys, that they wouldn’t let her expanded in all departments, especially her chest and clothes sense. That they couldn’t seemed to have an adult conversation with her and always answer to her “This is grown up talk sweety, why don’t you go and play with your toys.”

These where only some of the many things that made Hailey’s birthday a day to dread. Hailey’s mother lent over her daughter’s shoulder smiling like the idiot she was, her black hair tied back in a pony tail and her big thick glasses made her the perfect example of a nerd. Hailey loved her mother but love was always a deep down feeling for her parents, one not expressed in public. Especial at Hailey’s age.

“So are you going to open your present?” Hailey’s mother questioned, almost pleading her to open it.

Hailey snorted and didn’t reply it was her way of telling her mother to go away. Her Mother new this sign, and decided to pick on it while dragging Hailey’s father into the argument for morale support.

“Now come on pumpkin…”. Hailey’s father interrupted with a back comment before she could finish.

“Don’t call me that!”. Hailey shouted. Hailey sometimes thought her parents called her those names on purpose, like bullying but with “good” intensions. Intensions they wanted and not Hailey’s she reckoned.

Hailey’s father stepped in offering his great wise words. Words Hailey would rather not here.

“Now come on Hailey..”. Her parents always called her by her real name and not some food product like pumpkin when they where mad with her “…Your mothers made a big effort for you today”. It was an effort Hailey wished she hadn’t made; her father approached her and lent over her other shoulder trying to intimidate her.

“But that’s the problem…”. Hailey spoke her mind. Her mother backed away, she had lost her idiotic smile and tears formed in her eyes. She stepped into the darkness so Hailey could not see her pain. But Hailey’s father saw his wife’s hurt and Hailey knew that he would make sure that she knew about it too.

“What is wrong with you Hailey? Every birthday it’s always the same. You always go out of your way to make your mother’s efforts seem pitiful and low”. He said spitting at her on each word.

“NO!” Hailey jumped in to save her mothers love. “No…not at all”. Hailey’s father smirked at her and continued his attack.

“OH so everything your mother does for you is right is it?”. “No!” Hailey replied “But you just said she’d made good efforts”. He returned. Hailey stumbled on her words trying to make her next reply sound as nice as possible.

“It’s….It’s…The fact is…uhh”. She muttered to herself, she’d failed. But her father wouldn’t let up, he demanded an answer. “Yessss”. He asked. Hailey gave up she explained this a million times before and million times she tripped and mumbled on her sentence. Maybe her subconscious wouldn’t allow her to place it nicely maybe the only way was for Hailey to shout it out of her soul and tell her parents what she really thought about them.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, as Hailey arose from her chair. She was in an impossible position with her father with no way of coming back from his last comment without trying to tell her parents her true feelings. Either way she would have to reveal to them the truth, its just she couldn’t do it politely so she had to do it hard and painful.

“You sit right back down lady!”. Hailey’s dad growled at her. She ignored him and continued to stay and thus she began.

“I!…I…I’m just…so…uhhh”. But nothing happened even though Hailey was just going to speak the words she’d been thinking since she was 8 years old. Alas she couldn’t bring herself to do it, it would be inhuman she thought looking at her mother. The pain she would feel, the hurt and the loss, Hailey couldn’t do it. She tried finishing her sentence in way in which she could escape this satiation.

“I’m just going to my room”. But before Hailey even reached the stairs her father stepped in front of her blocking her path.

“You sit down young lady we aren’t finished yet”. He was red in the face now obviously trying to block his anger. Hailey didn’t care she pushed pass her father; he was thin and easy to knock down physical and mentally. Hailey didn’t like to admit that to her father ever, even if she was really mad with him.

“You haven’t even looked at your present YET”. Her father called after her. Hailey stopped and turned looking at her father with a look of despair.

“You want me to look at your stupid present ok I’ll look”. Hailey said through gritted teeth, now she really was trying to keep her temper down. She stomped over to the colourful present and jammed her nail through the paper and the box itself. Hailey could hear here parents jump at the sound of ripping paper, this gave her some sick kind of pleasure.

“One victory for me” She whispered. She continued to rip and tear away at the package until the bunny covered wrapping paper fell of the intended gift and Hailey came face to face with her present.

It was a Dolly, Hailey sneered at its very design. It looked like something you picked up at a car boot sale for 50p. Even though it was brand new and mint in its box it still looked awfully tatty and out of date.

The Toy was dressed in a hand sewn red gown with a white lace callow around it’s neck and scuffs. It’s face had softly painted dumpling on either check and haunting blue eyes that seemed to stare at Hailey with such anger. She examined the package it came in, the title of the doll was “Dolly Bed: The dolly you can hug all night long”. The anger in Hailey soon grew in size and power; the tension in the fingers began to crush the hard cardboard box. All the feelings that her subconscious had been blocking now blasted out in full force, all they needed was a little push.

Hailey turned around to face her parents, by their expressions Hailey guest they knew what was coming. Hailey slammed the box on the table.

“THIS IS THE PROBLEM, PRESENTS LIKE THIS EVERY YEAR, TREATING MY LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD WITH GIFTS TO MATCH.” Hailey screamed each word so loud it made her throat sore even before she continued. Her parents where horrified, each had there mouths drooping open like a simpleton. Hailey recovered her breath and continued her attack.

“AND THIS!” Hailey pointed to the pink bow hung along a wall. She saw her parent’s faces and knew that still they couldn’t understand what the problem is, this made her only more angry.

“IT’S PINK…WHAT AM I 3!?”. She continued. “AND THIS…AND THAT AND THIS THIS THIS AND THIS!” Hailey ripped rolls of pink ribbon, pink bows, pink toys everything that made her feel she had no self respect, all where thrust into her hands and torn to shreds moments later. Hailey shook here whole body in a powerful spasm trying to knock out the anger inside her, but it did not work, she could still feel the overpowering anger in her system turning her Blood to boiling point and her heart to below freezing.

Her anger had turned Hailey into a walking bomb. An unstoppable raging sea of emotions that she could not stop, nor could her parents. Her parents still remained silent un knowing, un moving, un caring almost. Hailey’s father then cleared his throat and spoke up.

“But…we’ve given you…everything you’ve ever wanted…ever needed…”. He said in a cowardly frog voice. Hailey shot a look at him. “No dad…you’ve given me everything you’ve every wanted….everything you’ve ever needed…it’s like you trying to live out your youth in me…is that right”. Hailey questioned.

Her parents did not answer; Hailey knew that they knew she spoke the truth. For a brief moment she felt almost guilty for what she had said and done, but then she remembered why she was attacking her parents this way. Enough was enough it was now or ever Hailey had to make a stand…that or be ruled by her parents for the rest of her life in a pink bow and cuddly toys. She took a deep breath and finished her assault on her family.

“Can’t you see…you want the best for me…I know that…but your just driving me insane…do you even like any of this stuff you buy me…?” Hailey spoke softly. Her parents did not answer theirs eyes had sloped to the floor along with their dignity. “…HUH!” Hailey snapped. Her tortured parents jumped upwards but still did not reply. The message was through but it was received by an absent caller, Hailey knew she would have to show her feelings physically now.

She searched around for something to mash, crash or bash. Then she saw it, the latest edition in her parent’s collection of presents. The dolly bed doll, its face so clean so new it was so perfect, to teach her parents a lesson once and for all. Hailey ripped more holes in the packaging with her nails and then ripped the box in half, the china Dolly fell to the table with a thud. Hailey pinched her fingers around the toys head tightly and searched for a weapon to destroy it with.

Hailey saw knifes, hammers, plates nothing that would destroy it completely that would really show her parents how much she despised them and their idea of “fun”. Hailey swung the doll around by it’s head in her desperate search for a weapon, then she saw the executioner.

Hailey’s Kitchen connected into her shadowed lounge with no more light coming in there then soft glittering flames of a fire. Hailey watched the fire and smiled with joy, the flames where almost poetic in their movement. Some looked like dancing spirits jumping from one burning mountain to the next, but in Hailey’s eye’s she saw a flaming axe and a wooden head basket directly below it. The excitement sent Hailey’s whole body into a tight spasm, so much so that she had unknowingly begun to crush the dolls china face with her fingers.

At this point Hailey’s parents realised theirs daughters monstrous plan by seeing her fascination with the fire in the lounge. Hailey’s mothers face went straight white with her husbands not far behind. Wasting no time Hailey pondered her feet across to the lounge, Her parents wiggled their way after her, paralyzed by fear and pain.

Hailey removed the metal fireguard blocking her way and through it several feet away. Her eyes became one with the fire, it’s warmth lit up her skin and the redness of her eyes. Hailey took the doll and raised it above her head, making sure her parents knew exactly what she was planning to do, but they did not speak a word. Hailey’s mother mouth was open but no words came out. Seconds before Hailey cast the doll into the fire, Hailey let out a sigh of frustration which whispered the words…

“Sorry”

With that Hailey through her old life into the fire in the form of her new doll. It cracked against the wood snapping it in two. The fire crackled loud and long as it begun to dissolve away the 2 rosy dumplings on the dolls cheeks. The dolls clothes soon followed revealing it’s 2 wooden legs also to be burnt.

Hailey’s mother. Slowly began to repeat the same word over and over again, increasing in sound and density on every go.

Well R + R again

__________________
I am a writer.....I am also a liar....do you believe me?

Haruka

So far so good. I'm not a big fan of killer dolls but I guess to much Rozen Maiden is taking it's toll on me ^^UU

I can't say a lot for the plot since you have shown very little, and the characters seem somewhat pathetic (no offense meant) the angry daughter, the useless mom, the strict father, they sound like typical characters from a summer camp horror story, but perhaps that was your goal? (I kinda like the girl's attitude though ^^U)

I like your descriptions, eloquent and to the point, but you have some grammer mistakes that if you don't mind I'll point out.


It's a run-on sentece, you need some comas there.

Shouldn't those four paragraphs be in one?

I think you mean love.

Knew

Hear

Those are just a few but if you proofread it you might find more. I'd like to see what happens next ^^ so keep writing.

__________________
"What do you think this is!?!?! NARUTO!?!?!"
"No. Inuyasha"

Deathwishboy

Thanks for the reply mate. You basically told me what I already knew myself, I always do silly typo's like that and my grammer is as you stated poor but hey things to work on.

I kinda wrote this like a Goosebump book in many ways, thus the characters Cheesy and poor personality. But I did kinda like the way R. L Stine introduced his characters and lets face it they where all the same children just different names. I also based the characters on the Stereotypical Teenage to Parent relationship except in this case I made the Parents super annoying in way that would make anyone who lived this girls life insane.

Anyway I will get some more posted up for you should be done by...hmmm next monday. It's a simple 2 part story except the second part of the tale is all from the Dolly's point of view. I hope this plays out well.

So I got the message
Proof read, spell check, grammer check. ty

__________________
I am a writer.....I am also a liar....do you believe me?

Deathwishboy

KK Above I re-edited and corrected any errors in my first part of the story, for new readers it will hopefully make more sense now. Here's a little added bonus for you a couple of pages I wrote at school today again Please r+r

Her parents still remained silent un knowing, un moving, un caring almost. Hailey’s father then cleared his throat and spoke up.

“But…we’ve given you…everything you’ve ever wanted…ever needed…”. He said in a cowardly frog voice. Hailey shot a look at him. “No dad…you’ve given me everything you’ve every wanted….everything you’ve ever needed…it’s like you trying to live out your youth in me…is that right”. Hailey questioned.

Her parents did not answer; Hailey knew that they knew she spoke the truth. For a brief moment she felt almost guilty for what she had said and done, but then she remembered why she was attacking her parents this way. Enough was enough it was now or ever Hailey had to make a stand…that or be ruled by her parents for the rest of her life in a pink bow and cuddly toys. She took a deep breath and finished her assault on her family.

“Can’t you see…you want the best for me…I know that…but your just driving me insane…do you even like any of this stuff you buy me…?” Hailey spoke softly. Her parents did not answer theirs eyes had sloped to the floor along with their dignity. “…HUH!” Hailey snapped. Her tortured parents jumped upwards but still did not reply. The message was through but it was received by an absent caller, Hailey knew she would have to show her feelings physically now.

She searched around for something to mash, crash or bash. Then she saw it, the latest edition in her parent’s collection of presents. The dolly bed doll, its face so clean so new it was so perfect, to teach her parents a lesson once and for all. Hailey ripped more holes in the packaging with her nails and then ripped the box in half, the china Dolly fell to the table with a thud. Hailey pinched her fingers around the toys head tightly and searched for a weapon to destroy it with.

Hailey saw knifes, hammers, plates nothing that would destroy it completely that would really show her parents how much she despised them and their idea of “fun”. Hailey swung the doll around by it’s head in her desperate search for a weapon, then she saw the executioner.

Hailey’s Kitchen connected into her shadowed lounge with no more light coming in there then soft glittering flames of a fire. Hailey watched the fire and smiled with joy, the flames where almost poetic in their movement. Some looked like dancing spirits jumping from one burning mountain to the next, but in Hailey’s eye’s she saw a flaming axe and a wooden head basket directly below it. The excitement sent Hailey’s whole body into a tight spasm, so much so that she had unknowingly begun to crush the dolls china face with her fingers.

At this point Hailey’s parents realised theirs daughters monstrous plan by seeing her fascination with the fire in the lounge. Hailey’s mothers face went straight white with her husbands not far behind. Wasting no time Hailey pondered her feet across to the lounge, Her parents wiggled their way after her, paralyzed by fear and pain.

Hailey removed the metal fireguard blocking her way and through it several feet away. Her eyes became one with the fire, it’s warmth lit up her skin and the redness of her eyes. Hailey took the doll and raised it above her head, making sure her parents knew exactly what she was planning to do, but they did not speak a word. Hailey’s mother mouth was open but no words came out. Seconds before Hailey cast the doll into the fire, Hailey let out a sigh of frustration which whispered the words…

“Sorry”

With that Hailey through her old life into the fire in the form of her new doll. It cracked against the wood snapping it in two. The fire crackled loud and long as it begun to dissolve away the 2 rosy dumplings on the dolls cheeks. The dolls clothes soon followed revealing it’s 2 wooden legs also to be burnt.

Hailey’s mother. Slowly began to repeat the same word over and over again, increasing in sound and density on every go.

__________________
I am a writer.....I am also a liar....do you believe me?