BallerGamer

Hey, this is my first short story here, and like my tenth in my whole life ^^

hopefully I get a lot of critiques. What kind of bugged me is when I compare my style to many others, it seems like my descriptions for the situations and surroundings are thin. Anyways:

Morning started like every morning did. And like every morning, my bike is there to welcome me to a new day. I quickly rose from the shelter, and left the alley I temporarily slept at. The box rewarded me with a great sleep, and wished that it were more mobile so I could have used it every night from then on. I've noticed my clothes started to wither, as well as my bike. For a thief like me, it'll be a huge day.

As I was riding through the sidewalk, I looked left and right for my next victim. The streets were empty for some reason, even after rush hour. The only type of people to encounter were broke men like me.

And then I saw a wealthy looking lady, walking cheerfully with a huge purse on her left hand, and a cigar on her right. I grinned slowly in happiness. I've never had such a catch like this in a long time. I started day dreaming in the possibilities that I could spend with that money. Perhaps new clothes, or repairments for my new bike?

I was foolish at that moment, and let my guard down. The lady escaped my vision! I paniced and started searching her out, hoping that my life will be extended a little longer with the money she possessess!

Left or right, front and back, I lost track of her. I stopped, stared in shock how stupid my desires got the best of me. I momentarily mounted off my bike in grief. Looking for the first thing I could have unleashed my anger on, I harshly kicked my bike. In that moment, I've never felt so pitiful and guilty in my entire life.

I couldn't help but watch as it rolled several meters back, loosing its many parts in the process. I quickly came to its aid, picking it up as if it were a dying child. A tear dropped from my eye, and started marking my face with a wet line. That line was permanent to me.

It was still ridable, which relieved me greatly.

I have to repair it, I thought. As I peddled with all my might in order to find a repair shop, I never realized the speed I've achieved. The blissful wind graced me as I lost thought of reality, and wondered how far I can go without stopping. Faster, faster, faster! The word grasped my mind, and had never let me go. It was the best moment of my life.

And then suddenly, as I opened my eyes to the real world, I've noticed the wealthy woman is on top of me, begging. But why is she begging? It didn't matter to me, because I was now able to fullfill my earlier promises.

I reached out my hand in order to take advantage of her strength, but realized how weak I was. My fingers were tainted with blood. I lifted up my right hand, and found a piece of the handle in my hand. When I looked to my left, I saw my bike laying there in pieces, shattered even more than me.

I looked to my right, and saw a parked car with a dented front fixed on the ground. I cried and cried and prayed to God that if I was to die at this very time, that he sends my bike me with so I can ride it eternally in peace.

With the last of my strength, I uttered my last wishes before departing from this world. "Please......bury me with my bike, so I can be with it forever...."

Graff

A good idea, and not too badly executed. It was imaginative, I can definitely give it that!

Very good sentence. Provides a great image.

I think this is good, and you are a pretty good writer, but you need more practise. You'll find more consistency as you write, which will durastically improve your stories. I know that's a little vague, but the only thing that can really improve a writer is writing. Write write write!

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"Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." -- William Strunk Jr.

BallerGamer

ya I guess the only way for me to improve is through experience. Anyways thank a bunch, I'm new encouraged to write even more!

TimK

In order to improve your descriptions, show the reader things that lead them to see what you're describing, rather than describing the thing directly. ("Show; don't tell.") For each thing you want to describe, ask "How would someone observe this?" Then portray that activity.

For example, 'The box rewarded me with a great sleep...' Instead, you could say, "I stretched, yawned, and rose from my box in the alley, eyes bright and alert in the fresh morning air." This not only draw attention in a real, concrete way to what the character is experiencing, it also draws attention to all the parts of his surroundings that impact his experience.

-TimK

gohn67

Hey Ballergame,
It was a bit difficult to follow the story, but from what I understood it's not a bad idea.

Just need to work on grammar, spelling and punctuation.

A few things with these 2 sentences.

1.You repeat morning 3 times in two sentence, which makes it read clunky. Go through your story and try not to repeat the same words in every paragraph. Not words like "the' or anything htough.

2.You switch tenses. From past in the first sentence to present in the second. Go through your story and fix the tenses so that they are all in past tense.

3. I just don't think that these two sentences work well together. It's just reads really awkward. And I think that's because you aren't really sure of your character's personality and the setting of where he is now. And I think that goes with why you feel your description is thin becuase you aren't really sure what all the details of the setting are. One way to amend that is either draw the setting or get a piece of paper and write down everything about the settting. WHat color is the gorund? What is it made out of? etc.

I also agree with Timk on the SHow not tell.

I hope this helps a bit. And Graff is right, just keep writing you'll get the hang of it.

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BallerGamer

Hmm I never thought about that at all, it is true I was kind of making up the setting as I went along...

Wow that was a HUGE help! Thanks a lot!