colvin11

Peter stared down between his toes, calm inside. He looked at the scutling things beneath him and hoped he wouldn't hit them. They were pathetic, but he liked to think of himself as a kind man. Suddenly he heard a voice behind him.

"Okay son, just step away from the edge now..."said one of the scuttlers shepards.

Peter ignored the rest of what he said. He had been like one of those below him once, when he was young. But he had seen through their lies, he could see the truth, he was free. Almost free. Just one more thing to do.

He turned round and gave the shepard a kindly smile, and stepped back.

The air whistled about his head, ruffling his hair. He turned to face his freedom, His future.

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Three men walk into a bar, one of them is a bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious envitability

Chris Miller

Since it is short, I have taken the liberty of correcting and reformatting the entire piece:

Fall

Peter stared down between his toes, calm inside. He looked at the scuttling things beneath him and hoped he wouldn't hit one. They were pathetic, but he liked to think of himself as a kind man.

He heard a voice behind him. "Okay son, just step away from the edge now," said one of the scuttler’s shepherds.

Peter ignored the rest. He had been like one of those below him once, when he was young. But he had seen through their lies, to the truth. He was free… almost free… just one more thing to do.

He turned around and gave the shepherd a kindly smile, and stepped back.

The air whistled about his head, ruffling his hair.

He turned to face his freedom, his future.

Not a bad little piece. I feel like I have read this sort of thing a zillion times, probably because it is such a popular fantasy. I can certainly relate to it. One does tend to wonder who is "pathetic" here though.

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colvin11

thanks. I did this on word so when i put it on here the formatting got messed up

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Three men walk into a bar, one of them is a bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious envitability

Chris Miller

I did it on word too. I write almost everything on word. Did you happen to notice the red underlining misspellings?

I did much more than just insert a few line breaks.

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the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

gohn67

Hey Covlin,
What do these scuttling things look like. My impression is that they are small, and scuttle, bugs maybe? But maybe not bugs, because apparently someone is sheparding them.

Ah, nevermind, they're not bugs, a metaphor for human beings and popular culture that kind stuff. I blame my crappy reading skills

Made me think a bit though. And I'm still not sure I'm right. I tend to get the wrong interpretation everytime.

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Graff

Great stuff as usual Colvin!

Gohn, I interpreted it as the people far below him, hence him saying he did not want to hit them.

Chris has done all of the correcting I would have done on this piece, so I have nothing else to say.

Kind of reminded me of good ol' semtecks, and Nihilist. I miss Sem, I can't believe he left. Blah!

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"Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." -- William Strunk Jr.

Wyndstar

This was actually a variation on a theme semtecks did a few weeks back.

I understood the little scuttling things--that wasn't a problem.

The problem I had was getting through the first version, and I didn't have the time to wade through it. After I'd seen that Chris had commented, I knew he'd probably cleaned it up enough that I could get it.

The writing was good, though the theme was pretty well trodden. I think I would have enjoyed this more, given the subject, if there'd been more to it, or an unusual twist. It made me feel like I'de eaten a very small amount of something addictive, but there wasn't enough left in the plate to satisfy.

And yep, Graff, I miss semtecks too...

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Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

colvin11

I know most people got this, and I have the feeling gohn was being sarcastic, but, yes the 'scuttlers' were people. Thanks for the feedback, nice and constructive.

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Three men walk into a bar, one of them is a bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious envitability

gohn67

I wasn't being sarcastic.

When I was writing my comments I really did think they were bugs at first. But then halfway through, I changed my mind, I kept it becuase I wanted to show my train of thought as I thought about your story.

And I really do have crappy reading skills, comprehension wise, especially. Like I'm reading "Henry IV part 1" by Shakespeare. I don't understand any of it.

Anyways like I said it made me think a bit. Was a worthwhile read because of that.

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The Frowning Dog Blog