eggo

gohn67

I can picture that pretty well. Gruesome.

out of pov.

This is correct most likely, I jsut never heard the phrase before and curious to what amber is.

Funny. I never have celebrities coming into my dreasm and explaining things to me. :S

Nice ending.

I think this guy's just a psycho, obssesed with the fact that that guy he met in 3rd grade was bettter than him and he never let the grudge go.

---
After reading it I really like the this line. Great placement.

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Chris Miller

Beautiful little psychological piece. The feeling I get is that the guy shot himself and that therefore the POV is all fine. There is nothing in the narrative to suggest this. I mean, you met him in the third grade, etc. But still, I am left with the feeling that he and the man are the same.

Are you sure you want the word "in" here? I can see his brain exploding, but not the bullet.

known

This is the both the strongest (for imagery) and the weakest (for construction) paragraph.
What about:
"Tom Petty came to me in a dream. He sat in a big overstuffed chair wearing octagonal glasses, and a lopsided smile. He explained to me that I had to begin to take control."

one's


"His power, his destiny, all mine."

Beautiful ending. Maybe this is where I get the impression that he and the victim are one and the same.

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gohn67

I think you're right Chris. I'm getting that same impression after reading your comments.

*Bad Pun Warning*

Maybe it was his Altereggo that he killed...

I have no idea why, but I just find that name hilarious for some reason.

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Wyndstar

I almost wish I'd posted before gohn responded a second time.

I agree with Chris in that this felt like the narrator was talking about himself.

To me, this felt like the relinquishing of one persona to the other, and he had to acknowledge that he didn't know that last thought as a statement that he was now separate and free from that persona.

The kind of bullets this guy probably had access to don't explode.

Tom Petty as a dream sage---just the name lends to the belief that your chars has more than a few screws loose.

The brevity suited this piece. It illustrated the curtness and quickness the end of sanity can take.

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eggo

This was really based on a scrawl I wrote on the back of a bank envelope I wrote after a dream ten years ago and found in my nightstand last week.


gohn67

This was the only time a celebrity ever visited my dreams and it was so bizarre. The only explination to listen to this was a dreaming psychotic episode or a bad batch of beer, perhaps both.

Thanks for the edits, I rushed a bit getting this to press

Chris Miller

Man, I thought I wrote this thing convoluted enough that people would puzzle over who was who.

As this was a dream, I folded it over on itself and internalized. It is a fight between id and the ego for control within.

Gohn's quip about Altereggo was scarily close to the true meaning.

Thank you for the edits.

I rewrote that Tom Petty parargraph late and after rereading it ....ugh.

Wyndstar


Boy, you guys are deadly. Another one who saw the glimmer around the edges of the plot.
Everyone had a problem here. I meant to realte the bullet meeting resistance at his skull and then ripping through the brain afterward.
it needs help. thanks

Thanks for reading guys

Graff

Good stuff Eggo, I really enjoyed this. Great imagery, short, and easy to read. You communicated the point well, and the character was well crafted.

Everyone has pointed out the faults I would have talked about, so I'm left with nothing bad to say about this piece.

Great job!

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eggo

Thanks Graff!

Since the character was actually me as a schizoid homicidal maniac, I felt very in touch with his inner psycho.