This is a story that I've written about six months ago. I found it while showing some of my work to a friend of mine. I'd like to think that it's not so good as my latest story, cause it would mean that I'm actually developing, but yeah... Judge for yourselves!!
Faithless desire
Whenever I feel lonely and wish for times long past, I flee down to the lake. There I feel at home; surrounded by the ghostly, mournful trees that long to touch the pale water, but never quite seem to reach it. It frightens me how much they are like me...
Sometimes I look down and see my own reflection. Black eyes staring into even deeper darkness. At moments like those I wonder if I will ever find true peace, by just sitting there and waiting long enough. And when I turn my gaze toward the sky, where ominous clouds seem to represent my thoughts, I am once again remembered of you.
You, my beloved.
***
‘Are you alright?’
I took a deep breath and forced myself to open my eyes. After a few seconds I nodded weakly, trying to ignore the wild torrent of emotions surging through my body. A soft, warm hand was casually laying on my arm. My cold skin was burning by your touch.
You smiled, too focussed on your own happiness to see what once would have been so obvious to you. ‘I met her at the mall, today. It was kind of stupid, actually. So cliche that I’m a bit embarrassed to tell.’ If you were, you didn’t seem to mind. After all, I was just a friend. You didn’t really care what I thought of you. ‘Anyway, she dropped her money in front of the counter and I picked it up for her. The thankful smile she gave me made me fall in love with her at that instant.’ You stared into the distance and then laughed sheepishly. ‘Who would ever thought something like that would happen to me? To me of all people! I who never believed in love, let alone love at first sight. And still, that’s what happened. I looked at her and I felt so...’ You stumbled, looking for the right words, then realising there weren’t any that were able to represent feelings so strong, so precious.
I just looked at you, appearing calm, but from the inside screaming, begging you to stop. How could you be so blind? Every word, every whisper hurt me more than any psychical blow could.
‘Have you never felt like that?’
Suddenly it was all too much. I ran away before you could notice the tears in my eyes.
The next day I stayed at home. I knew that I couldn’t bare being witness of your bliss. So I spend the hours recalling time after time your loving, soft words, and wondering if She realised how happy she should be. It was that evening that your question came haunting me.
‘If only you’d know how I feel,’ I whispered to the darkness, ‘If only you’d know.’
When sleep finally came, I felt more alone than ever before.
I awoke from the sound of my mobile. A quick glance at my watch showed me that I had slept in. Not that I was thinking of going to school today, anyway. That would mean I had to see you again.
‘Hello?’ I asked, my voice sounding drowsy.
‘Anna?’ It was you.
My throat suddenly tightened and I had to swallow a few times before I was able to answer. ‘Yes?’
‘Hey, it’s Liliya. Is everything okay?’
I nodded, but then realised you couldn’t see me. ‘I guess so.’
‘What’s wrong? Why aren’t you at school?’ You sounded genuinely concerned.
My heart suddenly leaped at the thought that you actually cared for me, that you missed me. For a moment I feared I might be dreaming, but when I didn’t answered you asked again, more compelling this time: ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Oh, I’m, eh, just not feeling well today. That’s all.’
You remained quiet for a second, apparently considering my words. ‘You do sound a bit sick. Well, make sure to catch some sleep then. Do you want me to come this afternoon, so I can bring you the homework?’
I hesitated. I feared that I wouldn’t be able to deal with it if you would talk about Her again, but still I longed to see your face more than anything. ‘Yes, please,’ I muttered.
‘Okay. I’ll see you then. Take care.’
‘Bye...’
You hang up.
‘... sweety.’
The rest of the morning was spend wondering why you had called me. Did it mean something? Anything at all? Or was it just that I had never missed a single day at school before? My heart beat faster when I considered that maybe, just maybe your feelings for me were stronger than I had believed. But then sadness filled me when I remembered your words. If I had felt hopeless before, since you had told me you had a girlfriend I had known darker and deeper despair than I had ever thought possible.
All day I felt miserable, thinking of what I would say when you came, how I would act. I could not let you know how I thought about you. You would be shocked. Of course, you would act as if you didn’t mind, but something would change between us. I wasn’t sure if I would still have the strength to go on, if that situation might ever occur.
So it was with mixed feelings that I opened the door, dressed in my blue pyjamas you always said you liked so much. ‘Hey there, come in.’ The inevitable smile when I saw you, crept on my face.
‘Hi Anna. How are you feeling?’ You took off you coat. Your wet, black hair accentuated the perfect roundness of your face, made you look sexier than ever.
It took me a great effort to take my eyes from you and answer softly: ‘Could have been better, I guess. But I’ll survive.’ An awkward silence fell between us. ‘Well, I’ll make you some coffee. It must be cold outside.’
You smiled gratefully. ‘Yes, don’t you just hate those autumn storms?’
Together we walked into the kitchen.
Not long after, we sat next to each other on the couch. I watched how you carefully took small sips from your mug and once again felt that familiar surge of love going through me.
‘So, how is she?’ The words left my mouth before I could stop myself. Why did I ask? I didn’t want to know! Or did I...?
You looked up, suddenly smiling broadly. ‘Viola? I haven’t talked to her today, but I’m going to see her this evening. We’re going to the movies.’
Pain seized my heart. I think you saw it, because suddenly you asked, hesitating: ‘Do you want to come with us?’
I just shook my head, mutely.
We remained quiet, until I had the courage to speak again. ‘Well, thanks for coming. Do we have much homework?’
You put down your empty mug on the table. ‘No, nothing at all. I just wanted to see how you were doing. But I better be off now. Will I see you tomorrow?’
‘I think so. Have fun with... Viola.’
It was long after I closed the door that I suddenly realised what you had said.“I just wanted to see how you were doing.”
When I ran outside, the rain caning down on me, you were already gone.
In the middle of the night, the phone rang. I awoke, startled, for a moment drifting between sweet dreams and reality. Two AM. Who would be stupid enough to call me at that time of the day? Irritated I answered my mobile. ‘Yes?’
Someone was trying to speak, but was overwhelmed by tears.
‘Who is this?’ I asked, fearing some kind of joke.
‘Anna...’ someone whispered. I instantly knew it was you. Suddenly I was fully awake.
‘What’s wrong? Are you alright, Liliya?’
‘No,’ you sobbed.
‘Do you want me to come down?’
You didn’t say anything, but closed the connection. For a moment, I wasn’t sure what to do. Then I made a decision. Something was apparently terribly wrong. I grabbed my clothes, searched for my keys and then left the house. Within a few minutes I pulled onto your driveway.
I panicked when I saw your face. Red, crying eyes. Make-up smudged all over your cheeks. Without hesitation I put my arms around you and whispered: ‘What’s wrong, baby?’
‘Viola doesn’t want me anymore. She... she broke up with me.’ With the words came tears, many, many tears.
I tried to sooth you as best as I could, without showing how relieved and happy I felt. I couldn’t believe how stupid Viola had been. Was she blind?
That night we got drunk. Really drunk. We fell asleep in each others arms. I still don’t recall what exactly happened, but I do know it was one of the most beautiful days in my life. For a few hours, I had the feeling that you were mine. You were my baby, my sweety. When I told you I loved you, you just kissed me. It was enough for me, at that time.
The next morning I woke up to find you next to me. For the first time I was able to witness your naked body in daylight. The sight was breathtaking. I don’t know how long I lay there, just staring at you, trying to put every detail in my memory. Gently I caressed your bare shoulder, feeling you shiver under my touch.
‘Anna?’ your voice sounded suddenly, surprised.
‘Yes, baby?’ I whispered warmly.
You turned around. Your eyes looked at me, shocked. ‘What are you doing here? What... What happened?’
At that instant, I knew. Last night had been a mistake. It was not your love for me, but your grief over the loss of Viola and the power of alcohol, that had fed your lust and desire. You didn’t love me. Never had. I was just a friend. And a friend I would stay. Never more. Just a friend. With that realization, also came the knowledge that I couldn’t live with that. If I couldn’t have you, my life didn’t mean anything.
That Friday morning, I fled from you. At home, I found a knife and begun writing my last words. When I was finished, I looked at myself in the mirror. Blood was streaming down my body. With a satisfied smile I softly read aloud:
‘I died for love.’
