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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 09-16-2005, 03:54 PM   #1
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Bad Dream (explicit language; 18+)

Ok so this was a dream I had a couple of nights ago. I jotted the gist down on paper and now decided I'd post it here.(obviosuly I hammed it up a bit) It's a bit dark, but then I had a tremendously awful day.


Bad Dream

A mud caked van pulled up to the edge of a vacant, weed infested field. It growled loudly, its breath visible in the early morning hours. Opening its mouth, several people spewed forth. Two men in dark denim jackets were fighting with another man with blond hair. They pulled him forcibly across the weeds and gravel-like dirt. The blond haired man was putting up quite a struggle, fighting for every step.

"..Nnghh! Ng-no! Let 'er go! Ughh!" He was silenced as one of the men introduced his knee to the man's stomache. The van issued forth another man wearing a black cap and a black denim jacket; leading a woman by the hair.

Her sobbing howl pierced the night's sky. "N-no! Lemme go! Stop it! Oww!" Tears were running down her face, spreading the dark terror that had started to fill her mind.

"Shut up!" The man holding her spat in her face then looked up at the others. "You guys better hold that bitch!"

The man on the left nodded at the other one holding the blond man. "Derek, this bastard is nothing; me and Jason got him, no problem."

Deparation was rising in the blond man's voice as he pleaded between gasps. "Please...let Terry...go!" His eyes struggled to reason with her assailant.

A vicious smile crept upon his face as he spoke, "Fuck that! You gonna watch before you die...." He strided forward propelling the woman in front of him with one hand. Black death lingered in his other hand, itching to explode. Derek forced Terry to her knees in front of the blond man and raised the gun to the back of Terry's head.

Terror streaked across the the blond man's face as he looked from the gun to Terry. He glanced at Jason and the other man holding him, their faces etched replicas of Derek's. Sneering, Derek brought his gun up level with the blond man's chest.

BLAM! BLAM!

"DAVID!? DAV...NOOO! Oh gawd!" Terry burst open her soul unto the night, the empty void gobbled it all up. David fell back from the force of the impact; the two men holding let him go. He lay there staring at heaven, listening to his wife shriek while their demonic assailants closed around her.

"...ugh coghaff..." From within felt the world darkening, but David staggered to his knees. Red rivers slowly drained down his chest and from his mouth. The demons were crowded around her, she was sobbing hysterically. Fire was rising, shelving his pain; lighting up the world once more for this wolf to protect his wife.

BLAM!

The void had finally consumed her, cutting short her cries. The blaze burned brighter, blindingly white he glared with all the rage he could muster. Bull-checking one demon in the back, he sent him sprawling. Too surprised to react, Jason was sent to find his teeth somewhere within the weeds. Derek had a look of astonishment on his face at seeing this reincarnate. The white wolf dug his claws into this demon's shoulders; tearing him away from his wife's lifeless body.

"You bastard!" Derek cried while bringing his gun level. The wolf caught his arm and death played an evil game of "this one or that".

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Vivid streaks painted the field with the resonation of the gun's voice and breath. Both men lay sprawled on the ground; crying rivers of misery. Tears pushed back the void, illuminating David's wife holding out her hand. Taking it, Terry lifted him out and together they flew away.

************************************************** ***********

God that was such a shitty day....
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Old 09-16-2005, 05:55 PM   #2
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Hey Viqto,
What a crazy dream. I never remember my dreams.

You do a pretty good job of describing the action and intensity of the scene.

I had a hard time following the characters though. Since you used only pronouns. No one really had a name. That also kind of led to a distancing, that didn't allow me to get close to the characters.

I think that could be becuase you wrote the story in Omnipresent POV also. Nothing wrong with that POV, but it tends to make things more distant.

Small Nitpick things I picked up while I read

Quote:
A mud caked van pulled up the edge of a vacant, weed infested field
pulled up to the
I think adding a "to" will make it read smoother.

Quote:
It growled loudly; its breath visible in the early morning hours.
I noticed this a few times. Your semi-colon use is incorrect.

The way I can tell when to use a semi-colon or not is if I read both clauses separately, that each can be written as a separate sentence.

Example:
It growled loudly - is a sentence
its breath visible in the early morning hours - this is a fragment, unless you add a "was" after "its"

Quote:
The capped man brought his Death up level with the man.
In general I don't understand what this sentence means.

"brought his Death up level with the man"?

Quote:
Realization dawned on him too slowly.
Becuase no one has names, I'm not sure which he you are refereing to.

Quote:
He lay there staring at heaven, listening to his wife shriek while their demons closed around her.
Not sure I understand this part. So the demons belong to this this man and his wife? They unleashed them.

Quote:
Too surprised to react, the other man was sent to find his teeth somewhere within the weeds.
Funny image.

Quote:
Rivers slowly drained down his chest and from his mouth.
Tears? or what?
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Old 09-16-2005, 06:25 PM   #3
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Ok, changed it a bit so it should be clearer. Thanks for the suggestions Gohn.
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Old 09-16-2005, 07:15 PM   #4
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This is certainly an instense dream. I think Gohn covered pretty much everything I would have said... I like the changes. They do clarify things a bit.
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Old 09-16-2005, 07:21 PM   #5
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Well my dream was really fragmented....I just kind of connected things and hammed it up.
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