Zarken

I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this. I was bored I guess... Well anyway, please tell me what you think! ( I did a quick 1 minute editing, not that it made it any better =p)

..........

They have always told me patience was virtue, but I have been patient my entire life and I'm still waiting. I'm still here and I can't take this anymore. Why is this solitude so depressing and I can't believe that this life is such a worthless mess. Everything I have ever done hasn't even amounted to a simple thank you. This feeling inside of me isn't something I want to keep, but it is something that I fear will never go away. I can feel the tear stinging in my eye leaving me with an itching sensation of sadness. Will this ever end I wonder. Maybe I will never know until it is too late. I can feel it burning, the rage encumbers my judgement and I feel like exploding. A raging sea of emotion clouds my weary mind and the next person who gives me any shit, I swear will wish he had never messed with me.

I loathe and pity you Jarod. I feel sorry for you now, it looks like it would hurt to have a pencil sticking out of that pupil of yours. The blood itself sickens me and I feel as if I'm about to puke. I let out my frustration only to bring upon myself a greater torment. I killed a man and no matter how hard I scrub the stench of his blood will never wash away. I loathe you more then ever now as I sit here in this room so white.

All that I can do is stare, perplexed, at the pale, decadent walls. They strapped me in for the long ride and condemned me insane. I am hardly insane, but he should not have done that. The days pass by and the drugs they give me won't ease my burdens. This heavy weight on my shoulders never lightens. Days pass by and I forget to count. It could be Saturday or maybe Sunday or Monday or Tuesday, Hell, I don't know anymore. My past life fades infront of me as I sit and wait again. They always make me wait. I wait for breakfast, for lunch, for medicine, and for sleep. The conditions here would make any sane man no longer sane. They never shut off the lights.

I cry myself asleep again. It's all that I can do. They think I'm crazier than ever now, but me and my new friend Derick know they are lying. Derick just came here, but he never told me how he got in this room. I don't think it matters much though. Derick is mean to me, he makes me bite my fingers and the bone is starting to show. I don't know why but I think they are watching me again. They always come by and stare into my window and stick the needles under my skin to make me sleep. I want this all to go away. I want this all to disapear. Why won't they go away? Why won't they disapear. Why won't they just leave me the fuck alone.

I think I might have to kill the next person who gives me any shit. These doctors, maybe one of them, just to teach them a lesson on who is boss around here. He comes in and brings me food and a needle, but I don't care and go straight for his jugular and bite. I see the blood spurt gleefully from his neck. Oh joy! I have so much fun, but no... they have done it again. They take me to a dark room while strapped on this stretcher. I cannot move and my hands go numb. The world itself begins to fade and I cry myself to sleep again.

I wonder what day it is, not that it will ever matter. I just lay here, staring at this black curtain of darkness and thats all I ever do. I just sit here and think. I try and think how they could ever do this to me. Why am I here? Let me out ...I cry... Who do they think they are? I am not to be messed with and yet they continue to scrutinize my decisions. One of these days I will break free and they will be sorry. They will be sorry.

They took me out of the box and I wonder what is going to happen. They take me to a room and spectators watch. I find it funny that anyone would want to watch me. They say they are going to put me down, whatever that means. I saw one of the men in the crowd smile... maybe something good is about to happen, so I laugh. A doctor walks into the room I am in and pulls out a needle. He tells me that after twenty years of therapy my condition has only grown worse. I am confused and he begins to bring his needle towards me.

I feel the prick in my arm and a warm sensation begins to fill my body. I think back to the deep blue skies and the sun setting into a orange purple haze. I remember my highschool girlfriend, and her gentle touch. I remember the white walls and my friend Derick. I now realize something; it is already too late.

__________________
'~Take this madness away from me and I shall take it away from you...~'

strangedaze

They have always told me patience was virtue. I have been patient my entire life and I'm still waiting. I'm still here and I can't take this anymore. Why is this solitude so depressing.

- Freeze frame. I see where this is going already. Very ranty. Tread carefully, otherwise this will come off sounding juvenile.


I can feel the tear sliding down my cheek leaving me with an itching sensation of sadness.

- Too maudlin. I envision a sad clown with the single tear.

This time bomb is ticking down inside of me and the next person who gives me any shit, I swear will wish he had never messed with me.

- Cliche is plague. Already I can tell that you are too good of a writer to resort to using expressions like 'ticking time bomb'. And please don't kill me

I loathe and pity you... Jarod

- Why use an ellipses here?

All that I can do is stare at the darkness of the decadent walls.

- I thought they were white walls?

I am hardly insane, but he should not of done that.

- Of -> have

It could be saturday or maybe sunday or monday or tuesday, hell, I don't know anymore.

- Caps the days of the week and Hell.

I cry myself asleep again. Its all that I can do

- To sleep. It's, with the apostrophe. And cliche.

They always come by and stare into my window and stick the needles under my skin to make me sleep.

- The simplicity of this statement is kind of creepy. Well done.

Oh joy! I have so much fun, but no... they have done it again.

- This made me laugh out loud I love gleeful murderers haha

I remember my highschool girlfriend, and her gentle touch. I remember the white walls and my friend Derick. I now realize something, it is already too late.

- In your last sentence, try changing the comma to a colon for effect. The ending is actually kind of creepy, too, but lacks originality in its delivery.


Overall thoughts about the piece. Typos and spelling errors brings the quality of the piece right down. You have some good creepy moments that nearly save this from sounding, well, juvenile and like you're just going through the motions of insanity. Insanity has been done time and time again, so it's important to do it in a different way. The writing is pretty good, though, so the piece was still fun to read, and that 'oh joy' line was pure gold! Let's see some more.

Cheers,

SD

__________________
His sins were scarlet, but his books were read.

Zarken

Ya, I will admit that I did write this very briefly. I figure if I had microsoft word and its lovely spellcheck, I might catch a few more of my mistakes. I don't see everything =p

And thank you for the reply, heh, I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this, (maybe Im alittle crazy)



-Zarken

__________________
'~Take this madness away from me and I shall take it away from you...~'