Malachy

The Dozen Years

Meet Miss Patricia Ann Kensey, aged twelve. Patricia Ann was never a very intelligent young woman, but she managed to pass all of her classes with some extra effort. She was a pretty girl, but didn't exactly stick out in a crowd. But our story today doesn't focus on either her intelligence or her appearance. No, today we will be focusing on Miss Patricia's values.

Patricia began this particular day as she did every other day, with a nice cup of freshly squeezed orange juice. She looked on from her seat as her mother made her this delicious beverage, and finally attempted to start a conversation.

"Mom, what are condoms?" Patricia inquired.

Patricia's mother was shocked at what she heard. She didn't think of her daughter as naive, but she was sure that Patricia was at least aware of the facts of life.

"Condoms? Where did you hear of those?" Patricia's mother replied.

Patricia waited a moment and said, "I was looking through Dad's sock drawer and I found a box that had 'Trojan Condoms' printed on it."

"Patricia! You know you aren't supposed to look through other peoples' things! Everyone has a right to privacy," Patricia's mom raised her voice as she gave Patricia a disapproving look.

Patricia finished her orange juice and left the house. She got to school, and was thoroughly pleased when recess time finally came. The lecture was on current events today, one of Patricia's most hated subjects.

She watched as the boys played touch-football. When one of the boys ran past her she waved him over.

"Hey, Guy!" Patricia yelled.

"What is it?" Guy replied.

"Nothing really...just wanted to talk."

"You want to talk? Why don't you try talking to Jane?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"People are talking...rumor has it, Jane is going to throw water balloons at you after school."

"What? That dumb bitch!"

"It's just a rumor though, Patty. You know how everyone is..."

Patricia stormed away as Guy said this. She walked over to her best friend Maggie.

Patricia's anger had built up and in a mean tone she said, "Hey, Maggie! I thought you were supposed to be my friend!"

Maggie looked puzzled, "What are you talking about?"

"I heard Jane is going to throw water balloons at me after school!"

"I know...and I would have told you...if it was true. It's not. Edith just made that up...you know how she is."

Patricia said, "Psh," and walked away. She got to the bench where Jane was sitting with some of her friends.

"Hey, Jane! I heard you're going to throw water balloons at me!"

Jane looked baffled, "No..what the hell are you talking about?"

"Shut up! You know!"

Jane began to speak, but was caught off guard when Patricia punched her right in the jaw. Patricia continued to punch Jane until she had pinned her to the ground.

Patricia's friend Diane ran over and screamed, "Patty, Patty, what are you doing?"

Jane continued to punch Jane but said, "This bitch was going to throw water balloons at me! Come on, help me out!"

A crowd had now circled around the brawling girls. Diane began kicking Jane and was soon joined by several other girls.

"Break it up, break it up!" Mrs. Frost pulled the crowd apart and grabbed the two girls at the bottom, Jane and Patricia, by their ears. "You two are coming with me!"

The two girls' versions of the story were told, and Mrs. Frost came to the conclusion that Patricia had overreacted.

"I'm calling your parents, Patricia. Jane, go back to class."

Patricia's parents were called and they had a meeting with Mrs. Frost after school that day.

"We believe your daughter has a rage problem, Mr. and Mrs. Kensey. And her latest test scores are nothing to be proud of either," Mrs. Frost began the meeting by saying.

Mr. Kensey gave a slight chuckle when Mrs. Frost finished her tirade and said, "So that's all this is about? Look...can't we just settle this here and now?"

"Mr. Kensey, I can't be bribed," Mrs. Frost laughed as she said this, "Make the check out to Condolice Frost."

Mr. and Mrs. Kensey drove Patricia home without saying a word. When they arrived at their house Patricia went into the living room, where her sister Deb was studying, and began watching television.

"Pat, get out of here, I'm working on my geometry homework!"

"Go do it in your room, Deb. My favorite show is on. Plus, everything in that book is wrong."

"What?"

"They failed me because I knew more than them...geometry sucks."

Patricia ripped the book out of Deb's hands and began pointing at various figures on the page, "See this one that they call a cirlce...it's actually called a squirgle."

"Shut up, Patty, you don't know what you're talking about," Deb said.

Patricia scowled and ripped the book out of Deb's hands.

"Give it back, Patty!" Deb exclaimed.

Patricia looked at Deb, and then at the book, and ran into the bathroom. Deb pounded on the door, but to no avail. Patricia finally emerged after several minutes and threw the geometry book, which she had completely ruined with water, right at Deb.

Patricia gave Deb a grim look and said, "Next time I say it's a squirgle, it's a squirgle."

Deb looked at her destroyed geometry book and began to cry. Patricia walked away to her room and slammed the door.

Patricia continued her education, and her parents continued to bail her out. This system worked until she got college, but she still ended up with an honorary degree four years later. Patricia became the GOP's presidential nominee in 2008. The chants of, "Twelve! Years! Republican!" echoed through the halls and broke hearts across the nation.

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I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't have been political, seeing as it's my first serious shot at direct allegory. Feedback is welcome, please.

eggo

Hey Malachy,

Not a bad first try with allegory ( although I disagree with the connotation).

The story was written in a very simple children's book manner and I thought it worked for this piece. Although muddled a bit, your point came across in most sequences.
on to the crit,

The first allegory about the rubbers didn't quite work for me. I couldn't find a correlation in current events.

In the first part of the second one, she meets a football player named Guy. He tells her that Jane is going throw water balloons at her. Later in the story his named is changed to Edith? Maybe i just got lost.

Not much to speak of wrong grammatically.

Subtlety plays a big part in allegory, as well as parody. I would stretch the tale a bit more to the breaking point, but it was a nice first foray.

Thanks

Malachy

The part about the condoms wasn't so much about the condoms themself, but more of her having the audacity to look through her parents' drawer. (breach of privacy)

Chris Miller

I think the story should lie atop of, or lead the allegory. But here it seemed as if the story was getting humped, or dragged around by the ear.

The writing was nice. The condom question kind of hooked me in, but this, and prety much every thing else just kind of fizzled out and culminated in a clearly political climax--which I still managed not to quite get.

Each of the scenes was well written. But they didn't seem to go together, or form any kind of a story.

"naive" is the wrong word. I think you mean the opposite: "experienced"

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gohn67

Hey Malachy,
I think I know what you were trying to get at. Bush and attacking Hussein, without conclusive evidence or whatever. The thing about the squirgle was I guess the justification of their actions, even though it was BS. And I didn't get the condom thing either. I guess I focused too much on the condom. I don't understand the bribe part.
So yeah, that's what I could make out. I'm not too good at reading deeper into stories or anything like that. Wouldn't have known if you didn't tell me it was an allegory, but I guess that's the point of an allegory.

I agree with Chris, that the story was overall was kind of weak, and you put the allegory ahead of the story. I think that story comes first. But this is your first try, so you did a pretty good job. Kind of like me writing a poem and trying to fit it in a rhyme and rhythm scheme.

I didn't like this sentence at all. Sounds like some Twilight Zone opening. And put me off to the story. That goes for the whole first paragraph. It's kind of unnecessary, how you use an aside, sort of, telling us "in this story blah blah." I guess I just don't like that.

I think the adj delicious is out of place here. Kind of telling. And I don't think there is point that detail. I don't think it matters that it is delicious or not.

Funny kind of, but that was kind fast. And I think overall the story was too fast for me, like you just wanted to get all your points across as fast as possible.

Good first attempt though, just focus on the story a bit more too next time.

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