103_smalls

[disc:03b14168aa]Lots of sex, lots of bad language[/disc:03b14168aa]

“Burn on Me” by: Patrick Braun

Sucking a girls’ ear was definitely my favorite trick, and let me tell you, I was damn good at it. It was so easy, too. Some guys would tell me that sucking ears didn’t work; well, they didn’t have the technique down. The way I did it, I started out nice and gentle, just sucking on a girl’s ear lobe a little bit, with the occasional lick, or nibble. When she started breathing a little bit harder, I’d move in to the center of her ear, and start sucking on the top of it, and get a little less gentle. That’d really get ‘em goin! And when they were breathing really hard after that, I’d start to go faster, and I’d slip my hand really subtly into their crotch, and start rubbing a little bit; not too much, and not too rough, just enough to really get ‘em off. The she’d let me know when she was ready for it, she’d open her legs up wide, and then close ‘em again, that’s how you knew she was starting to really feel it. When they would do that, I’d slip my hand in their pants, and start playing around and massaging in there, all the while still sucking on her ear, and moving back and forth to some heavy kissing and neck sucking. Some guys say that girls don’t get horny like guys do when you do this kind of stuff; they’re so wrong, and it’s so easy to make ‘em!

Well, anyway, so I was in the back of my ’99 Grand Voyager- yeah, it’s a minivan, not too much of a chick magnet, but I did slap the name ‘Fuckmobile’ on it, just to give the ladies a good idea of what went on in there- so, I was with this chick in the back seat, her name was Kim. She was one fine girl, let me tell you what. Perfect tits, the tightest ass you’d ever see, these nice skinny tan legs, and these really big brown eyes. I’m a sucker for brown eyes, I really am, I like them a lot. Before that, we used to be boyfriend-girlfriend, but she ended up dumping me because she felt like she was really attracted to me emotionally, but not enough physically… I guess us teens just like to put a lot of emphasis on physical attraction. I’m not like that though, most guys are, but I’m not. I like to actually like a girl when I’m messin’ around with her. It makes the whole experience more enjoyable.

So, anyway, like I was saying, we were in the back seat together, and she was lying down on her back, with me in between her legs. We weren’t doing anything that major, I mean we still had our clothes on and all, but we were getting into some pretty heavy kissing. Man, could she kiss or what, she was just about the best kisser I had ever been with. Some girls needed lessons or something, because they’d shoot their tongue in your mouth like some kind of lizard, and they’d flick it around in there, and you would have to chase it around with yours. That always stunk, especially when they would go back to their ‘girlfriends’ and tell them how much you sucked, when it was them who really needed practice.

So, she was flat on her back, with me on top of her, and we were kissing like a couple of animals. It was getting pretty hot, and I was harder than a board. And she dumped me because she didn’t have any physical attraction! Ha! I was going to change all that for her, I was going to show her just what kind of sexy man I could be. So, I broke away from her, really slow, to let the feeling of the kiss linger for a second, and I pushed my pelvis down onto her, she liked that, you could tell, because she got this crazy eyes-half opened, devilish grin on her face. That’s the grin that girls get when they’re likin’ what you’re doing to ‘em. So then, I leaned back down, and kissed her again, but without tongue, and I tilted my head over, so that I could kiss her over and over again and make like a little path of kisses from her cheek to her ear, and once I got to her earlobe, I didn’t waste any time getting down to it. I started nibbling on it a little bit first. Usually I don’t do that, but I figured I’d try something new, ‘thought maybe she’d like that. I knew her pretty well, so I figured that if I screwed up there, I’d be able renew myself. But I didn’t have anything to worry about, she got off on that really nice before I even started sucking! She let out this really soft, quiet moan, and she lifted her crotch up to meet mine. Oh man, let me tell you what, nothing gets me off more than getting a girl off, and having her push herself onto me like that.

So, that whole thing made me really horny. Like, I was horny before, but this was some different kind of horny that I had never experienced before. Maybe because my heart and my cock were both in on it this time, that’s probably it. So anyway, I skipped the whole ‘gentle’ phase, and just went right into the raunchy shit, you know, that stuff that really gets her off. Man was it working or what. I thought she was horny when she first told me to pull the car over, but now she was just wild. She was so mine after that night, it was easy to see. So, before I even got to put my hand in her crotch like I do, she just unbuttoned my pants, and slipped her hand in there. That had never happened to me before. I mean, sure, I’ve had a girl feel me up through my pants, but Kim was actually groping me from inside my pants. That felt good, like no other. I thought that I was going to bust right when she started, too, and I didn’t want her to think I was some kind of premature orgasmer or something, so slipped my hand down her pants really quick, and started doing every trick I knew.

What I did usually, I would just slip my hand down her pants, and feel around for a minute, and rub it up a little but, and then finally I’d just shove a finger or two in there, and start off really slow, until they would start pumping along with me, then I’d start going faster. Well, with Kim, she was already horny as fuck, so I just threw three fingers in there, and started going crazy. I was in a state of love and lust that I had never experience before, it was excellent! This whole time, I was still on her, and she was still spread wide open, and I was still switching from ear to neck, which was getting her off really nice. So, I figured maybe she’d want some tongue too, so I lifted my head a little bit off her neck, and she knew what I wanted, so she just put her head right where I was and started sucking my face right off my head. That drove me wild, just the fact that she was going so crazy, it drove me wild. I really couldn’t even contain myself anymore, as soon as she started kissing me again, my fingers stopped what they were doing, because I couldn’t focus on so many things at once; plus I was in the process of busting all over Kim’s hand, and I was focusing on whether or not she was going to have an angry reaction. She didn’t, though, she just kind of passed it off. I had a beach towel on the floor of the van, we had been at her pool earlier, so she just picked it up, wiped herself off, all the while with that devil-grin still lingering around, only now her eyes were all the way open. That’s how you know when a girls’ getting some ideas, when she just stares at you with her eyes wide open, and a devil grin on her face.

So, she stopped wiping her hand off, and by then I had gotten impatient, and I had crept down to her waist, and I pulled off her pants. She did this cute little girlish kick when I had the second leg by the feet, and man, that got me off too. This girl was damn hot, let me tell you. I already told you about her skinny, tan legs, and now they were right there, you could tell she had just shaved them earlier too, because they were really soft. I have this crazy thing for soft tan legs. I just started rubbing them up, I started down by her calf and worked my way up to her thigh, she was liking it, it was like a massage. I was really good with my hands, you could tell, because chicks loved it when I rubbed them up. I could do it anywhere, too. It was great.

So then, I just got this urge like I needed to be close to her, so I started kissing her by her ankle, and moving down, sucking on her leg here and there. She was really liking it. Her breathing was picking up like mad, and she was making all these high-pitched giggling and moaning noises. It was really going very well. She was mine after that night; there was no question about it. So then I got to her thigh, and made like I was actually making out with it. It was right by her clit, too, so I was right there. She liked that so much, she stuck her hands down into her panties. Nothing gets me off like seeing a girl so horny, so, naturally, I grabbed her panties and practically yanked them off.

There it was. I had felt them so many times, but had never actually seen a vagina before. It was awesome. I think I was harder in that moment than I had ever been in my entire life. She looked up at me, with this puppy-dog look in her big brown eyes, and bit her lower lip. She wanted it so bad, and so did I. So I pulled down my pants and underwear, and I pulled it out, and stuck it right up in there. It was the craziest sensation ever, it really was. It was like my penis was surrounded by a bunch of really soft, warm pillows, and they were tickling it, and it was just overwhelming. I closed my eyes, and thrusted forward, and it felt even better. She was feeling it too, she had lain way back, her head was actually falling off the edge of the seat, and she let out this long, soft moan, only this time it wasn’t so quiet. I liked that a lot. So then I started thrusting again and again, and over and over, getting faster and faster with every stroke, and finally, after about ten minutes, she let out this pleasurable, high pitched scream, and I let out a moan, and we both came. And before, I had thought that just entering was good… the orgasm was without a doubt the greatest thing I have ever felt, even to this day.

* * *

On the drive home, she kept looking at me, with those big brown eyes, only they were all glazed over from the excitement, and I just had to go and open my mouth. “Kim… is what happened tonight just, like… a one time thing… or…”

I didn’t have to finish my sentence. She already knew what was coming. She just looked at the floor, acting like she was all sorry. Then she looked up at me, I thought maybe I’d see tears in her eyes, but there weren’t. She didn’t even give a fuck. “Nick, I’m really sorry… but I already told you, I’m just not attracted to you enough in that way.”
What bullshit. I couldn’t even talk. I didn’t say a word the whole rest of the car ride; I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the whore. I kept seeing her out of the corner of my eye, staring at me and all. Why the fuck should she stare at me, when I’m not physically attractive enough? Heart breaking whore, that’s all she was. I should have known, too, I should have known that just because she wanted to pull onto the side of the road with me didn’t mean that she actually liked me. Whatever, not like I cared.

We got back to her house, and she said goodnight, and leaned in and kissed me on the cheek before she hopped out of the car. She ran pretty quick back up to her doorstep too, and then waved goodbye to me. I don’t even know why I stayed long enough to see her, and I also don’t know why I lingered in her driveway for a few before actually pulling out. But I finally did pull out, and started driving myself home. On the way, though, I couldn’t contain it any more. I had to cry, it was all that I could do. So, I cried like a little fucking baby all the rest of the way home, and then it took like ten minutes to regain my composure before I walked into the house.

Some whore, eh? I guess that every guy’s heart gets broken by some little slut eventually, and this was just my time. I only wish that I could have gotten over her faster… the whole thing never really had to happen, when I look at it, I can see that it was my fault. Oh well. Burn on me.

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GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)

Chris Miller

Not going to kill myself commenting because the forum powers will no doubt nuke this entry when they get around to it. Just like they did the one I commented on the other day. I hate it when stuff gets censored just because it is abundantly and explicitly sexual. Especially when it is good writing, as is this. Some astute themes too.

Oh well, that's censorship.

Good thing they don't have it over guys like, oh say, John Updyke. We'd never get to read anything worth a shit.

Nice bit o' poignant porno mate. Keep it up. If you get my drift.

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Kat

That's about all it is,porn. There is no real plot or story line,

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tagos

Agreed. Well written or no, this is just a pornographic anecdote. Nothing against erotica but anecdotes are not stories. Stories have plots, characterisation, transformations etc.

Chris Miller

Not sure I totally agree. Likable or not, the character of the narrator comes through. And there is something of a gender reversal twist of an ending.

But I will agree that some (okay a lot) of it is gratuitous.

Still, I'll hate to see it get deleted by the moderators.

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strangedaze

I agree with Chris. Fuck censorship.

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103_smalls

Hey everybody

Sorry it took so long to respond to this. Anyway, I'm pretty dissapointed that the majority of people seemed to find this more porn than anything else. It is pornographic, but I thought that the constant stream of thought from the narrator/main character would cover that up and make it more interesting, along with the twist at the end in which Kim breaks his heart... this story is mainly intended for teen kids, like me, who may be able to relate to the whole thing... I was told by a couple other of my peers that they coudl relate to it and that they found it to be more than porn, but you guys are the experts... they don't usually know what they're talking about. Anyway, thanks for the comments.

__________________
GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)

tagos

But his reaction shows no self-awareness, no transformation, just sullen, shallow hypocrisy. And the ending has no trace of irony in the fact that she's just behaving as he does, no understanding that this is the suffering he imposes by his behaviour, no remorse, just a self-pitying judgemental rant.

Transformation and growth are what's needed to make a story. Use of first person stream of consciousness in no way distinguishes it from a fake letter in a porn mag. That practically defines that genre.

You can obviously write well and like I say, I have no problem with erotica, but (IMHO etc etc) a story is more than a stream of consciousness episode. This could be a story, and a good one, with a change in balance. Less gleeful boasting of prowess, less self-pity, more change and awareness. For me the twist wasn't a twist. It was obvious from the word go, which is not necessarily a problem if done with elan and originality. It was just a lot less of a twist than I expected.

If you're happy with the writing, ignore us. We're not experts, just writers of varying skill and experience. But although we're no experts we are all voracious readers and if a lot of people are saying this is too close to porn then maybe they are on to something. We're not saying it's porn because of the erotic content, we're not prudes, we are saying (or i am), it's porn because it lacks the some of the qualities that for instance raise 'The Story of O' from porn to classic erotica.

42_dramaqueen

Hey, I 4 one think it's good,& very discriptive.It's good until the part where u know they do it.U described everything else how it should be, the right length & all-but when u get to that it's blah-like someone grabbed the remote & fast forwarded it.When u got 2 the part of where Kim broke his heart I just wanted 2 go through the computer & kick her ass!What a whore! Just b/c some people told u that ur fave story that u ever wrote, that u were so proud of is "pornographic"-it's called good writing ppl! & yes it does have a story line& a theme-whores break hearts! Anyways I think all it needs is a little more discribing on that one part & then it'd be all good.

blankslatejoe

yeah... it's pretty pornographic... the writing isn't bad, but it's too blunt for my tastes.
The best written section is probably the first paragraph.. it goes downhill from there. That first paragraph introduces you a cocky, sex experienced nature of the narator and also does it in a way that's not quite cliche. Kissing inner thighs is cliche. sucking on ears? That makes you look twice. That's unique to the narator. That's interesting.

But then you break that character's identity by making him seem virgin and vulnerable. He knows his way around the foreplay, but when they get to the sex, he seems to be as new to the feeling as it gets. And then afterwards he feels doubtful enough to have to ask her if she is "his". This inconsistency works against your goal--- the ol' "the set up for the betrayal" theme

Here's my take:
Ideally, he wouldn't be virgin. He'd describe how he does has sex differently than anyone else, and how he knows what he's doing and how he makes her feel different, just like you did with the ears. He should have no doubt that she is his now, and he should let the know that. You already have a few lines in there than dance around that, but then he loses it in the aftersex scene. IMHO overconfidence can be a more powerful foreshadowing tool than doubt.

In fact, if he even ASSUMES that she's his, not just during the sex, but afterwards too, and in the last scene he says something brimming with confidence and pride, like 'wanna go again?' or something like that, and THEN she shoots him down with the "im sorry, i told you i just dont like you like that"...well... that's like a kick to the face, right when he'd given it his best, all his skilllz, everything he had... and he'd felt more in control and on top of things than ever, he gets the floor ripped from under him. That's strong stuff.

Anyway, just a few comments. goodluck.

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~~

I agree and disagree. I disagree with disparaging the story for being a "stream of consciousness". Such stories can be extremely absorbing. It's entirely down to whether the consciousness in question has anything interesting to say.

In my opinion (and this is where I agree with you) this narrator just isn't interesting. He's thoroughly repulsive, but than it itself is neither a good nor a bad thing. What matters is whether we as readers believe his attitude, empathise with his attitude and understand where it originated.

To me the narrator is half a character... we are shown his repulsive superficial traits in excessive detail, but what lies beneath is still unknown at the end of the story.

blankslatejoe

[quote="~~"]
Yeah, I'd agree with that... the half a character thing.. the narator seems inconsistent, vulgar, and confident, and then also weak and doubtful. Inconsistencies are ok in characters throughout the span of something with a lot of development, but on a per scene basis it's best to stick to one set of guns or the other...with perhaps something happening at the end that make him reconsider his attitude.

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103_smalls

Thanks for all the input everybody. It kind of breaks my hear that the fact that the character not going through any changes is what made this story not-so-much of a story and more of an anecdote (which i agree with), becuase I kind of fell in love with the character (not romantically ) when I made him, so I am now in the process of making this an introduction for a novel that I'm going to soon begin writing. And I do believe that it will be a good intro... especially for the teen readers taht I'm shooting for... sex always gets my attention.

Thanks again, everybody. If it hand't been for the input here, I wouldn't have decided to expand this story at all, so thank you all for your brutal honesty.

__________________
GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)