far from morning (story) - Writers Forum

cecilia · 09-13-2005, 07:09 PM

Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here is a stroy I wrote after I constructed it in poem form first (in the poem section). I entered it into a competition but got nowhere...Never mind!

Enjoy it all the same!!!!

Far from morning.

Eight hours till morning, not that anyone knew. Everyone was sweetly sound asleep. Seven hours till morning, one mortal having a dreamless night. Six hours till morning, shadows from the church gargoyles danced on the earth. Wide circles of corn flattened down. Field mice scuttled away from the slowly bending stalks. An abrupt gush of wind began thrashing at the trees, shaking every branch and every leaf before dying away.
An eerie still night, with a slight chill on the air. Heavy clouds hung like drapes in the sky, which blanketed the earth in darkness and gloom.
In the houses, deep in through the black holes that were windows, they were tucked up and far away in the land of nod, vulnerable to silent occurrences and intruders. Sleeping under their soft warm quilts and blankets. When it is this late in the night hour, it is difficult to imagine the beautiful, comforting light of morning that warms the heart with such a lifting glow; we smile and cherish our good feeling that is accompanied with a good nights sleep. Instead, our minds and thoughts can become wild and full of nonsense. Yet, everyone knows how the cover of darkness brings the prowlers.
Silence. No bumps, no squeaks, no scratching or footsteps. Careful, you can scare yourself and split your heart with pointless terror.
Red rum. Warm, rouge liquid; darkens as you pour. Leaves a lingering metallic after taste in the mouth and always a seductive craving for more. The alcohol for the unhinged. It drugs them, feeds them and drives them crazy. Makes them smile with glee, all teeth showing. Guilt free.
One particular lady, in dreamless sleep, her loud rustling breath breaks the silence.
A silent door, no click of a lock.
She would not wake till it was too late.
Jerking she drowsily opens her eyes. A hand was just an inch away, poised and lingering menacingly. Her heart strained and shook violently in blind fear for her life as this intruder stood in her room.
Split second thoughts rushed by in their thousands, in an instant: this hand will grab her face, it might push her down into the pillow. Fingers will poke and push into her eye sockets. Gripping her cheeks her face will distort, skin bulging round the fingers. Pressure will seal her mouth from oxygen. In fitful desperation she’ll choke, suffocate and die.
Or maybe she’ll feel the plunging sharpness of a cool metal knife. Slicing into her, grating on her ribs. Puncturing her lungs and heart.
The hand twitched. Her time was come. What horror?!
“Oh!” She gasped and wheezed. It was her own hand that she slept by. Resting her head on her arm had made her hand go numb. She lay back, her heart pounding. She could not rest and go to sleep.

Thanks, Lots of love cecilia xxxxxxxxxxxx

Scratches · 09-14-2005, 12:09 PM

Humm. This is a little too descriptive of the surroundings, with too little happening. Also, you shift back and forth between past and present tense quite frequently, which may have hindered you in a competition. You write well, but the event you've chosen lacks punch. It's just another version of the "and it was all a dream" ending that we are told to stop using by fourth grade or so. But yes; it's a good beginning for something longer, where we really get to know the character. Good luck with it.

cecilia · 09-14-2005, 02:07 PM

Ahh yes, Iknow ther isnt much plot really, mainly just description. This is the long version, did have to send in a shorter version but its pretty much the same, just a bit shorter. you know, I dont know how I missed that when I was checking it, Ididnt realise that I flitted between tenses. Thankyou for pointing it out.
Aaahhhh, yeah, thats a good point. thankyou, I am glad you think its good for a beginning. I will remember that. THANKYOU!!!!!!!

Lots of love cecilia xxxxxxxx