kganz

Brand new here! Let me know what you think. My feelings are very thick skinned and will welcome all replies, good, bad and ugly! May be a touchy subject matter.

Mora raises her head from the mound of earth. Dirty grains of sand and her blood of birth move along her tongue and the grains of blood grind in her teeth as she turns her head to the multitude of hands touching her body. Their swells of sorrow steal her air as members of her tribe mourn the dead baby buried beneath her outstretched body laid upon his simple grave. They pull and tug, but she is not moving. Mora is oblivious to her husband's wails, her children's wails, and her tribe's wail's for her sanity. It is her baby and it is not their business if she chooses to gulp the earth surrounding this baby. Mora needs the earth inside her, filling her stomach if not her womb. She imagines the earth is life and she misses the life inside her. Finally respect forces the tribe and her family to leave her to her own grace.

With heavy eyelids and a full mouth she rises and squats next to the tiny grave, unaware of her sudden pain of childbirth mixed with the flow of blood beneath her. It is dark and Mora fears her baby will be scared; just like her other children were afraid of the dark, calling for her comfort. She knows this baby cannot call out to her so she stays to give him peace and to assuage his fears. She calls upon the power of nature to take her through this moment. Her body is full at last from the earth he resides in and she loves the bulge in her stomach; it reminds her of him, moving and exploring in her womb.

Drums beat in the distance; the funeral drums of death. She listens and sways to the movement, her body rocks to the beat as she cluthches the earth and thows it into the air, letting it shower upon her.

"Don't let them stop." she whispers over and over in tongues. Then I will have to let go. Let the beating go on." There is a poor soul underneath her blood who never saw the light of day, and she is willing the beat and her movements to move the earth, the spectacular earth, to make him feel the earth he never saw.

"Mommy, please stop." It is the voice of her oldest son. He leans down and with one hand clutches her belly full of the baby's earth and his mother's blood. With his other hand he tenderly wipes the earth mixed with tears from her mouth and eyes.

"It'll be okay, we love you and we love him. He's inside you now. We need you too."

Mora leaves the tiny grave, with images of the flowers she will bring to her baby in just a few hours. She clutches her son's tiny hand and remembers how much she loves him, her husband, and all her children. She lets her son lead her back to her tribe, to her family, and to the funeral drums of death.

Wyndstar

I don't really have much time to do a serious critique, besides, I like this too much.

As the antithesis of what I wrote, I found this an excellent piece. It captured the pain a mother feels from loss of a child quite well. Ordinarily, eating dirt would be far fetched, except in this sort of scenario. It was significant and poignant.

You write very well kganz. I look forward to more.

__________________
Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

kganz

Appreciate your input. My family deals with Africa a lot, perhaps I should have mentioned this in the beginning but was hoping I could make it clear with my words. I realize it is strange, but like writing that is strange!

Take care,
kganz

eggo

Hey Kganz,

Welcome!

This story rolls around in grief. Some very nice prose used here.

The main character covers herself with grief to the exclusion of familiy, faith and health. I can understand her grief if she just gave birth and thats one of the things that bothers me about this.

I would have liked something to let me know how long ago her baby died. I assumed that she just gave birth to a still-born, because she is still wet with blood. In which case, we can assume that no rituals are performed in her tribe and the baby is buried instantly. A lot to pick up by inference.

The second thing that bother me was the character didn't change. I was looking for something whether internal or externally to happen and I didn't see it. It needed more than the grief to carry it. I am sorry if i am dense and didn't see the underlying story.

That aside some excellent prose here,

Evokes fantastic images

I would lose some of the repetitve wail's here.
Nice.


Thanks for the read!

kganz

Thank you Eggo for reading my quick story. I'm sure it could improve and appreciate your input.

I thought my intentions would be obvious because of all the blood involved that this was a still born newly delivered but was buried quickly. In Africa there is disease, etc. involved. I read the Poinsonwood Bible a few years ago and will never forget the scenes the author portrayed. I have a family that travels to Africa, in comfortable cirumstances, who never take to heart all the hardships and poverty of the people. It breaks my heart, and perhaps this was a way to let all of that go. Every life is important, and people grieve at every level all over the world in different ways. Now we are grieving in the US. Sometimes nature and life takes us all by surprise.

Thanks again for reading it, to me it is more than just a passing story.

kganz

kganz

Thank you Eggo for reading my quick story. I'm sure it could improve and appreciate your input.

I thought my intentions would be obvious because of all the blood involved that this was a still born newly delivered but was buried quickly. In Africa there is disease, etc. involved. I read the Poinsonwood Bible a few years ago and will never forget the scenes the author portrayed. I have a family that travels to Africa, in comfortable cirumstances, who never take to heart all the hardships and poverty of the people. It breaks my heart, and perhaps this was a way to let all of that go. Every life is important, and people grieve at every level all over the world in different ways. Now we are grieving in the US. Sometimes nature and life takes us all by surprise.

Thanks again for reading it, to me it is more than just a passing story.

kganz

gohn67

Hey Kganz,
Nice story, I liked it.

Yeah, I had the same question as Eggo. I figured that hte baby was just born, but I guess I'm not use to the baby being buried so fast. And I think that's becuase of the setting of the story, which reading your comments takes place in Africa. I sort of got that sense, that it was in Africa, but not totally, from just reading the story.

I found this sentence kind of awkward. It feels like a run-on, when I read it, but I don't htink it is. And also the repetition of earth, is too much.

__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog