Even God Makes Mistakes-rewrite - Writers Forum

eggo · 09-11-2005, 05:32 PM

removed.

kganz · 09-11-2005, 05:53 PM

I really enjoyed your story. Lots of meaning there which I agree with. I'm a new member and your work was the first I read.

There a couple grammatical errors, and when I offer my input I decline from that unless it is glaring. I'd rather give you info on the message you wrote.

I hadn't thought about God wanting us out of this life before, but you made a clear and authentic story of why he should and about free will! After what has happened in the Gulf it draws more attention. Good job. God or Christ calling someone a moron is a bit hasty, but who knows, I'm sure he is disappointed. Glad that the first thing I read made me think. Keep writing, I truly appreciated it.

kganz

eggo · 09-11-2005, 09:00 PM

Hi Kganz,

Thank you very much for reading. You are very perceptive to pick up on what this story is all about, free will. Some people read it and are outraged at my treatment of God, but thinking is always a cure for outrage.

Welcome!

By the way, go ahead and toast me on my grammaticals, I need it.
I am a badly listing grammatical ship in need help.

Graff · 09-11-2005, 10:45 PM

I loved this Eggo! I found it both humorous and wise. You have a meaningful story here, and you managed to hook the reader.

I didn't notice any grammar or spelling errors, but I'll read it again later.

Overall, a very good story, I really enjoyed it.

gohn67 · 09-12-2005, 02:10 AM

Hey Eggo,
This is one of my favorite stories of yours. So I'm glad you revived it. Still funny on the second read.

Found on little part where you could fix though

Quote:

“ You know what my problem is?” I shook my head dumbly.

I was confused on who was talking here.
Was this god? I am pretty sure it is. But the line after confuses me.

Chris Miller · 09-12-2005, 11:40 AM

I like this. It is more polished now I believe.

I like the way mankind continues to go about its merry way in spite of god's wanting to shut the whole mess down.

I also like his miracles. I mean really, who hasn't seen blue grass or salmon skies? At first I thought they were too ordinary. But now I see it as saying it's all miraculous. As usual your brand of almost stand-up humor sparks with (and in this case also contrasts the darker side of) the piece.

The only grammatical problems I found involved your joining of wrong actions with dialogue tags, making it confusing as to who is speaking. It seems gohn has already pointed this out.

Quote:

“ You know what my problem is?” I shook my head dumbly.

God is speaking. But you are acting. Something like:

God looked at me. "You know..."

makes it clear God is talking.

Quote:

“ See, I suppose you want another one?” I nodded

Same thing here. Should probably split into 3 paragraghs.

Quote:

This guy was either a complete nut with god-like powers or he was God with nut-like powers, I checked my watch.

Great line!

I'm not sure about the ending. You toggle between the flip and the astute. I guess it can end on either one.

Chris

colvin11 · 09-12-2005, 12:11 PM

nice. It's been a while since I saw a good piece of humor on this.

LoneWolf · 09-12-2005, 07:26 PM

Hey eggo,

This was a great piece...hilarious and with lots of meaning. I loved the ending and how the guy was just like, "Whoops, gotta go back to work". In a sense, though, the world has ended, so it held some truth for me. Just one thing:

Quote:

“ Haven’t you listened to anything I said? It’s over. I want all you people out of here. This place is mine and I want you out. Waiting for all of you is a place of everlasting happiness with any you want,” he said.

...with anything you want?

Nice rewrite...wish I had the patience to redo some of my pieces!

LW

Wyndstar · 09-12-2005, 08:29 PM

eggo

This was fun the first time around. Forgive me because I haven't been in the mood to give stringent critiques (some times, I have a stint where all I want to do is read---I suffer editorial burn out, though not from this forum).

I'm glad you resurrected this, and I'm glad the rewrite didn't stray at all from the original. Thanks man.

eggo · 09-12-2005, 08:33 PM

Thanks for reading folks.

This is one of my favorite stories. I wrote it one night around midnight after a few beers and posted it originally with an excuse about abruptness.

Hey Graff,

I'm usually humorous but seldom wise ( Unless you mean wise guy). I'm glad it worked on a couple of levels for you.

Hey Gohn,

Great catch on the dialog slip up. I took Chris's advice and broke them up into paragraphs for reading ease. Thanks for commenting the second time around.

Yo Chris,

Quote:

I also like his miracles. I mean really, who hasn't seen blue grass or salmon skies? At first I thought they were too ordinary. But now I see it as saying it's all miraculous. As usual your brand of almost stand-up humor sparks with (and in this case also contrasts the darker side of) the piece.

Very Good. You picked up on the best bit's of the story. The miracles God makes happen surround us every day. We blithely ignore them as we keep our heads firmly down in the dirt. I picked some miracles that in themselves would seem fantastic, but could be seen by someone any day of the week. The rapidity of the change is the nice vague bone of contention.

I took your advice and changed that dialog, thanks.

Thanks for reading Colvin!

Hi Lonewolf,

The ending was one that followed the next logical move. And although i'm long to say it, I laughed my ass off right after I wrote it. There is something uniquely funny to me about a man coming up against overwhelming power and thumbing his nose at it.

Quote:

Nice rewrite...wish I had the patience to redo some of my pieces!

I have absolutely no patience at all for re-writes. I equate them to trying to redo a bowel movement. Once is enough.

But, I have learned that in order to grow as a writer, I've got to start recognizing my flaws (hundreds)and correct them. So what i've started doing is to print a hard copy and correct it while watching the evil TV. It gives me something to do during commercials and most stuff only occupies a small percentage of anyone's brain. Give it a shot.

And fixed that goof, Thanks.

Ilan Bouchard · 09-12-2005, 09:02 PM

I remember this piece. It's much better this time around, though I wouldn't mine a link to the original so I could compare them.

Was the first one in first person as well? Perhaps, but I'm not sure.

Anyways, this is much better than the first draft, and just as funny. (Though I must say, I think the four housemen joke could be tactfully delivered for a subtle punch.)

Carpo · 09-12-2005, 09:45 PM

I don't normally comment on posted stories, but I'll make an exception here.

I really liked the dialogue between the guy and God, but the first few paragraphs seemed forced and trite.

Quote:

It was a sunny spring day. The kind of day when humanity, like the cavemen we are, push open the door to cave after a long winter and go ‘Ah’.

These sentences fit with the rhythm of the piece, but when read alone they just don't sound right. To me, you have a few problems here.

First, you start your story with dead construction. "It was a sunny spring day." What was a sunny spring day? "It" can be anything. Is "It" the day? "The day was a sunny spring day." Even repeating yourself sounds better than the other sentence.

Second, you compare (I assume) modern humanity to cavemen. We don't live in caves, therefore, we are not cavemen. Caves also do not have doors. Very few people know what walking out of a cave after a long winter feels like, so the comparison is lost. I cringed a little when I read it, and only because I scrolled down to the dialogue did I keep reading.

That said, I did enjoy the dialogue a lot. God had a dry disdain for this dude he was talking to and I liked how his attitude played off the main character's disinterest in the whole situation. I also liked how God says he wants to make a new species but he can't because humans just won't get the hell out of the way; I laughed out loud at that part.

I think if you went over the story a couple more times and paid closer attention to structure and style in the introductory paragraphs, you can have a very solid story. I don't intend to be mean; I think you're good enough that I want to see your work after you've done some refining.

Ilan Bouchard · 09-12-2005, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carpo

First, you start your story with dead construction. "It was a sunny spring day." What was a sunny spring day? "It" can be anything. Is "It" the day? "The day was a sunny spring day." Even repeating yourself sounds better than the other sentence.

I disagree.

Quote:

I think if you went over the story a couple more times and paid closer attention to structure and style in the introductory paragraphs, you can have a very solid story. I don't intend to be mean; I think you're good enough that I want to see your work after you've done some refining.

However, I do agree with this. Some of the structure needed work, though it was less than last time, I think.

ChaosCommander2020 · 09-12-2005, 11:21 PM

Hm... not quite sure what to say... about every good grammatical error has been addressed, and I don't think I can do anything more about it. Good work Writer and Critiquers!

eggo · 09-12-2005, 11:50 PM

Hi Ilan,

The link you requested,

http://www.writingforums.com/viewtop...hlight=#159997

It was in fact first person the first time around. I am about as subtle as two-by-four and the point about the Four Horsemen is taken.

Thanks Ilan

Hi Carpo,

Why don't you comment on posted stories? You insight is good and any person wanting to grow, can always accept intelligent constructive crit.

That being said,

I know where you are coming from but your suggestion to start the story
but,
"The day was a sunny spring day." is wrong. The word "day" is repeated twice in seven words. It seems a bit klunky.

I purposely picked "It" to become a familiar with the reader. Clean and easy, although a bit rough albeit.
I am reminded of another dead construct,
" It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

I am hardly Dickens, but a poor lonely hack destroying the english language one word at a time.

There are many ways to start the story and I will give your crit thoughfull consideration.

The correlation between cavemen and current day man, is one that points to the minimal frontal lobe activity we all experience everyday in our fellow man (see the registry of motor vehicles). That when put into a stressful situation, even the best of us degenerates into a hunter-gatherer.

The evolutionary ladder may be tall, but not everybody grabs a hold of all the rungs. The allegory was a bit strained and I appreciate your thoughts.

I am glad you enjoyed the dialog, it tends to be my strenght.

Thanks for the input Carpo,
Are you the lost Marx Brother?

btw. I am neither lonely nor poor, but most assuredly a hack.