Aremthis

Hey, I've been intrested in short stories for a while. I've always been a fan of GEnesis, which probobly either many or none of you know the Lead Singer Peter Gabriel often wrote short stories, I've read all the ones avalible to me and like them a lot. I decided to right this not for the story but for the actual writing style. (Being because there is no story in this one.) I wasn't sure where to post it, so I put it here

----CRITICS WANTED----

A man walks through a desert. There's no telling how long he was there or where he was going. He has no food, no water, nothing but the clothes on his back, and a lot of clothes that is. He seems to have recently cut his hair, this is clear by the amount of hair that has fallen onto his shoulders. What tools he used is unknown. He relizes something as he falls to the ground, his arms are holding him up as he looks to the sky. What he just relized, no one will ever be sure.

A man walks up to a wall. His settings he is unsure of. He walks right up to the wall. A man calls down from above asking him if he wants to enter the city. He nods, and a door appears dierectly infront of him. As he enters the city, everywhere around him seems to be moving at a slower pace, or maybe he has become faster. It appears that there is a riot occuring.
The man walks up in the middle of the riot, looking for a noticable cause of the chaos. As he walks to the dierect center, for a brief moment, time catches up to him, and the riot is happening full speed, with law enforcers pushing against the crowd. It seems clear that the crowd is angry at someone, a young female, and that female is trapped in the middle of the riot being protected by some gaurds, but not law enforcers, almost what apears to be mercanaries. The riot lasts for a good thirty seconds and everyone turns to the man, as if they did not notice him untill that moment.
The world around him seems to become slow again, but this time, he is slow too. As he looks he see's everyone moving slow, including himself. Two men run up to him and hold him against the wall. The man show's no resistance., infact, he has a smirk on his face, almost as if he is releived. All those invloved in the riot run up and start to feast on his flesh. The man tears up with joy, and whisper's the words "help me."

A man walks through the desert, no telling how long he was there, or where he was going. As he walked, he couldn't shake the notion that people were around, being nothing he could do about it, he keeps going. As he goes further, he hears whispering. He can't tell whats being said, only that there's a lot of people whispering. This keeps going and he is suddenly lifted into the air, his feet are only two inches off to the ground, He is thrown back maybe six feet, and he feels like he is slammed up against a wall, however none is behind him. He feels pain everywhere. He begins to see bight marks on him, and quickly flesh begins to peal off him into the air and it dissapears. He is releived that he will finaly be out of this blazing sun, but still being murdered he whispers "help me." He would have said it louder, but he couldn't with so much pain.

Once the man was fully eaten alive, the rioters looked around to see that the young girl they were after was missing, and everyone carried out there normal buisness, as if nothing happened.

----END----

Sorry for Typos

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powertrick69

intersting, very um technical sounding, but good twist.

gohn67

Hey Aremethis,
Style wise I think that it reads to distant and mechanical for me, a problem I suffer from aslo when writing in 3rd person.

It also could have been the fact that the "man" had no name. Hard for me to connect with him.

Another thing is that you use similar sentence structures throughout, which creates a kind of mechanicalness, at least to me.

For example you started alot of sentences, with "He".
Also another one you liked to use was starting sentences with "As", but not so much as the "He" one.

The feel of the story is like some sportscaster narrating what is happening, without the color commentary.

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Taz

Good job I always did like twists. Good on yay keep writing and ill keep reading.

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With passion and enthusiasm we shall succeed!

Wyndstar

While the story itself was unique, the telling was on the sterile side. There wasn't enough feeling to keep me connected with what was happening to the man. I feel like I'm being kept at a distance on purpose in the way you chose to narrate it.

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Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

Gaz

I regret that there is nothing that I can find in this piece worthy of...well, anything worthwhile responding to.

The only reason for my comment is that I am in wonderment regarding the type of drugs earlier respondents have been taking.

salud,
Gaz

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I appreciate your time and effort in providing any feedback. I will return the favor.