senot-The Jungle (mild adult content) - Writers Forum

eager-to-learn · 09-04-2005, 11:02 AM

This is my first story just wonder what you guys think and any feedback will be appreciated.

Senot-The jungle

humans are like machines day by day same routine, change is bad he thinks (he preps the body for the grieving and sits in wait for them to arrive.) someone who deals with death for a career often wonder about the after life. they arrive 2 woman and a child a fairly peculiar notion as the body is a man mid 30's, the man died in the office a heart attack it was, it often makes u wonder if you can die naturally of a heart attack or does life get you down so much you depress your heart and die?. the woman is crying she is mid 20's probabaly a daughter the boy is only 11 i hear her cry and this is the father lying dead. does the affect of losing a father make you lose hope?, it had a affect on me. i was only 12 when my father was killed by a drunk driver in the close, watching your father die does have some affect on you. There gone now and the funeral if later today my 47th funeral to date.

depression can make you do crazy things, 20% of the world is depressed over stupid things. i saw a man shoot himself over money. a woman jumped of a building from depression (no one knows why she did it). it makes you think about the afterlife, if there isnt a afterlife then what drives us mad?.

The man walks infront of the hurse as a sign of respect. a man plunges a knife into another man for a meer 40 pounds and a mobile, what is this a sign of?.

The church is lit up as its night now and theres candle along the way, makes me think of the path to heaven and the road to hell. is hell really as bad as people say? have you been to a bad part of town and experienced hell on earth, maybe hell is a expression. could god of gave us 10 commandments to live by? maybe its bullshit like the laws of today, laws given by humans to command humans. 10 laws given by moses maybe he was just the government of that era.

I come home to my appartment on senot road the ladie above me cooks me dinner everyday, She gives us all hope if one person can make another one happy for just a second then youve accomplished something.
spagheti and cheese, we sit and eat dinner talking about our day, she is a lawyer. lawyers defend the people who shouldnt be defended, they sometimes defend innocent people but no one is truly innocent.

you could call me disturbed for these thoughts or you could call me crazy or even brilliant, but rational thinking is something we all can do but most people choose denial. if something happens they denie it happend and look for a answer that is given by another, ww1? ww2? ww3?? only time will tell.

Heaven is found in every hospital in every nurse and doctor saving lives everyday, its found in people you say helping the elderly its found in the innocence of youth.

TBC

eggo · 09-04-2005, 11:17 PM

Hey eager-to-learn,

You really should take some time and proof read you story. No capitals at the beginning of a sentences and misspelled and missing words really are distracting.
So much so, I couldn't read it.

Please at least run you story through a word processor before posting.

Chris Miller · 09-05-2005, 08:20 AM

Yeah, agree with eggo. Again! This is nigh impossible to read.

Get to know the apostrophe. Find the shift key. Read aloud. Or, even better, get someone else to.

eager-to-learn · 09-10-2005, 05:20 PM

i hate it when people dont question on content instead they question on mistakes in writing i want feedback on the story not feedback on my typing skills god thats irritating.

Haruka · 09-10-2005, 05:51 PM

Quote:

i hate it when people dont question on content instead they question on mistakes in writing i want feedback on the story not feedback on my typing skills god thats irritating.

Ok then.

First of all show, don't tell. This story is all about telling, there's almost no feeling to it, it's just an anonymus guy's thoughts about life and death.

Even if it's a short story it should have a meaning, a purpose and I don't see any of it there.

By the way, if you don't want people to comment on your grammar then write correctly please.

gohn67 · 09-10-2005, 05:52 PM

Hi Eager-to-Learn,
If they cannot read your story because of your grammatical errors, how can they comment on the content?

I think that was the point that they were trying to bring up, and I know both Chris and Eggo were not trying to harsh. They both have helped me out alot in my writing.

And here I agree with them, especially when you fail to capitalize the first word of every singe sentence, that leaves a bad impression on me, because that is kind of lazy, in my opinion, that you would not take the time to do something that simple. And it makes me wonder if you would take to heart the comments of others, and learn from them.

If you decide to fix up the punctuation and grammar a bit, I will be more than willing to read your story and tell you what I think of the content.

eggo · 09-10-2005, 05:56 PM

If you are trying to get people to read your story, you are going to have to put some work into it.

Scribbling down some story and not even taking the time to capitalize and add periods is rude beyond irritating.

I assume you have a word processor of some type, but are too friggin lazy to run it through and run a spell and grammar check.

Lets look at you last post,

Quote:

i hate it when people dont question on content instead they question on mistakes in writing i want feedback on the story not feedback on my typing skills god thats irritating.

Right off the bat no capitals. The first sentence, wait there is only one sentence, is a run on, nonsensical mess.

I hate it when people don't ask questions on content, instead they question the mistakes I made writing.

See the period marks the end of a sentence. The comma is used as a pause. The missing words I added.

I would like some feedback on the story, not on my writing skills.

God, that's irritating.

After I fixed this sentence, you will see it makes no sense at all. How you write is just as important as what you write, if not more so. Chris and I were the only people to comment, but take a look at your views. Quite a bit more. Those people found this unreadable and chose not to comment.

If you chose not listen , I chose to stop pissing in the wind

eager-to-learn · 09-10-2005, 05:56 PM

not being able to read someones story due to grammer is no offence but bullshit it shows ignorance in the person and i personnaly dont want to learn from ignorant people

Chris Miller · 09-10-2005, 06:09 PM

Ha ha! That's so funny.

I would like people to critique my drawings without being concerned with whether or not I can draw.

Very interesting choice of handle by the way "yearning-for-praise", er I mean... ah, never mind.

Chris Miller · 09-10-2005, 06:25 PM

Okay, I just read it the way you wrote it: real quick and kind of stream-of-consciousness, just let the words flow in with out being too concerned with their order.

It almost works as a form of poetry. It creates a feel of questioning and innocense and angst with hope rising at the end. Actually I kind of enjoyed it.

May I ask how old you are?

eager-to-learn · 09-10-2005, 06:35 PM

im 18 years old

Catsmart · 09-17-2005, 05:20 AM

The story content in itself wasn't bad at all - like Chris said: Stream-of-consciousness feeling to it. If you overlooked the errors, it had potential. But to be honest, it was very difficult to read because of all the errors. If you want to be a writer, you have to learn how to deal with your mistakes and learn from them when others point them out. If you can't handle constructive and honest criticism, then you will not improve your writing. I would suggest, just like the others, that you would work with someone who wants to edit and proofread your work and help you fix the errors so that more people can enjoy them.