colvin11

William stood, his eyes closed, breathing slowly in the winter chill. He felt the wood beneath his feet shift, creaking as he shifted his weight.
He tried not to think about his neck.
He tried to concentrate on the swirling patterns of breath, trying to imagine them changing into faces, ships, anything. Anything but what would happen soon.
The rope itched.
"For crimes many and nefarious in nature..." began the tolling voice. William shivered in dread and broke out into a cold sweat. The fear of what would happen soon clouded his mind, leaving no room even for panic.
"...the following charges are laid against you..." continued the voice, William couldn't see its source, but felt a presence behind him.
"...the murder of Joesiphine Murdoch and..." William heard a shriek of panic and looked around himself for its source until he realised it was him. But still the voice continued. "...the assault of two officers of the law. For these crimes..." William felt every heartbeat pass through his veins, and felt his breath slow.
"... you are sentenced to be hung by the neck until dead." As the voice ended time seemed to flow with all the speed of a snail.
He looked down and saw the hatch below him swing slowly open and he felt him self hang motionless in the air for what seemed like an hour before beginning his slow descent. As if from a mile away, he felt the noose pull and tighten round his neck.
He saw black spots drift in front of his eyes, and just before they overwhelmed his vision he noticed things. How blue the sky was. How bright the sun was. How delicious the air was.
And then all was dark....

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Three men walk into a bar, one of them is a bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious envitability

semtecks

This was good. I haven;t seen anything of yours for a whil now and this was a vast improvement. i still noticed a few mistakes:
and
This story reminds me of one i've read before, it was about a confederate soldier who was hung, survived, ran home, and realised he was dead.[/code]

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http://semtecks.bebo.com

gohn67

Hey Colvin,
The title was interesting. I was expecting a real dance, so I was surprised when I learned it was a death sentence. Although I'm not sure how to connect dance with death, but I'm sure you have your reasons.

I think the first sentence of a story is important, especaially in a short story. You want to have something that is engaging and draws the reader in and doesn't have any grammar mistakes.

Your first sentence is interesting, but something seems wrong with it grammatically.

This is very cliche, and weak. I think the ending would work without this line. Ending it on "How delicious the air was." could work. It gives it a more upbeat feel, and I think you wanted the more depressing ending.


I wonder if this guy was a good guy or a bad guy. I know that he killed two cops. But it interests me, what his motivation was. Self defense or just hate.

That's something I like about this piece. At first when I read it I thought this guy deserved what he was getting. I thought of him as a bad guy, but then the end kind of made me think, maybe he wasn't.

Anyways thanks for the read.

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Chris Miller

No time to read now, but you might want to fix the title. Should be "William's Dance"

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Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

Graff

I liked it a lot, very smoothly written.

some typos



as he shifted

sentenced

Very good stuff, I'd like to read more from you. something longer, with a story, so I can see how you write when it's a bit more drawn out.

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"Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." -- William Strunk Jr.

colvin11

thanks for the feedback. I've fixed the tile and the typos (I think). Graff, I've actually got a story I'm writing (albeit very slowly) which I'll email to you if you want

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Three men walk into a bar, one of them is a bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious envitability

Graff

Awesome, I'd love to read it . My Email is "tom@osicrm.com"

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"Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." -- William Strunk Jr.

Poe-et

A few too many cliches for my taste, but i like a couple choices you made. All together nice scene, lovely atmosphere. But, as usual, revisions are due:

Sounds like William's eyes are breathing slowly in the winter chill.

is so painfully cliche. Say something else, please.

Even such words as "began" and "continued" are said bookisms. Use the word "said" instead, unless have no other choice. Editors and publishers in most fiction arenas hate said bookisms with a passion. For more info about said bookisms: http://writingcraft.deep-magic.net/article.php?id=43.

I would love the ending if you followed Gohn 67's advice.

Nice short.

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There are no perfect stories. There are no bloodless quests.

Arlen DeRehn