Viqto

So this was originally part of a word game, but it was long enough that I thought it deserved to be put here as well. This story was created around the writingforums.com's members Quantum Loser and Shadowseer.

Veils of darkness stretched across the road that lead down the haughty town of Avon. The buildings' inky eyes glared at Quantum; they let him know of their rage through the groans voiced over the wind. Quantum, a timid, bespeckled young man with short auburn hair, nervously walked down the street. Strolling underneath one the more prominent buildings, the veil bathed him in darkness. Jumping, Quantum noticed something moving near the old oaken doors of the tall building. A massive sack of velvet slime had been expelled from the building. A testament to the hatred it harbored for the intruder. Steaming and giving off an odor that choked the senses, the vile sack pulsed and contorted. A large point was forming on one end; the sack now was elongating until something broke free from inside.

A sharp and rusty voice pierced the air, panting with vigor. The voice grabbed Quantum's ankles, rooting him to the spot; fear wormed its way through him as he stared at the figure emerging from the bulging sack. His head was ebony; it stretched long and narrow forming points coming out on the front and back. His body was thin; his bones were all too visible even from where Quantum stood rooted. He started crawling around, bringing the rest of himself out of the deflated sack. Too preoccupied with freeing himself, this strange black creature had taken no notice of the deathly quiet Quantum. When it finally freed itself and stood up, Quantum let out the smallest of yelps. The breathing stopped. Groans from the houses urged on the now aware shadow. The shadow burned Quantum with his eyeless gaze for a moment then lunged his gooey body forward. Quantum let out a scream of horror and bolted down the street. Unwilling to turn around, Quantum urged his now burning legs to continue. Even though the sun was high and he was near the end of the street, he could not evade the veils cast across the street by the enraged buildings; their haunted eyes bore into him as he passed. The sounds of scratching and gravel were loud in his ears; the shadow was close. The breath was icicles on the back of his neck; his legs were giving out. He threw himself to the ground, gravel and dust kicked up. The sounds of scratching and dragging stopped abruptly. Sweat beaded down his shirt, matting to his back. He could hear the malicious gnashing of teeth behind him. He waited, too tired to get up and continue. A few seconds passed with nothing happening. The warm hand of the sun lifted his head; with fearful wonder he turned to look back. The creature was just back a bit, still under the veil of the buildings. Enormous groans carried over the busy winds from the frustration of the buildings. Quantum nervously motioned at the shadow, but it only turned its head this way and that. He stood up and glanced once more at this shadow seer, then hurried along the road.

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"A quill won't dip itself."

~Mr. Searle, my English teacher from High School

Chris Miller

Hey Victo,

Not bad prose. Poetic. But it kind of needs characters and a story. But as a little writing exercise, not too shabby.

"led down from"

"one of the"

This type of structure is awkward if not wrong. The two parts don't really make sense together. Strike "Jumping" and it reads fine. As it is I visualize this guy jumping up and down while he notices things. Kind of funny. You do this in a few other places. Splitting/simplifying your sentences to show the correct order of events would also give them more impact.

How about:
"A large point formed on one end of the sack; it began to elongate; something inside began to break free."
Isn't that much more active and creepy?

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the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

Viqto

Thanks for your thoughts! They are all very good points and I think, when I have some time, I'll go back over this.

__________________
"A quill won't dip itself."

~Mr. Searle, my English teacher from High School

eggo

Hey viqto,

I can see you had fun with the game. The prose kinda drips off the sentences. At some points there are flashes of nice stuff and others the sentences are so heavy the tip a bit.
Eyeless gaze? He was either gazing or eyeless.

nice turn of phrase.

Panting here is the object. " Vigorously panting." elminates a word and seems cleaner.

malicious seems out of place here.

I would boil this down a bit.

Thanks

shadowseer

I am honored you wrote a story based around me. It's kinda funny though, cuz one of teh charcters in my book has the ability to become a shadow.

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The greatest irony in life is that no one lives through it. - Kurt Vonnegut

Viqto

Eggo - thanks for your suggestions. I'll go back and change them because they do make sense. And yea a bit of it did kind of seem strange to me. I thought about actually expanding this to a short story (as right now it seems more like a campfire story)

Shadowseer- as soon as I read what you wanted to happen in the game I had an image of this. I'd be interested in reading your story. What's its name or is it not finished yet? I also liked the way the author(don't know who as it was an audio book I borrowed a little while back) portrayed shadow melding in Across the Nightengale Floor...ok so actually they were ninjas of some ancient power who turned themselves invisible for about 3 seconds but it was still cool! I actually really recommend that book to anyone who likes Asian style stories.

__________________
"A quill won't dip itself."

~Mr. Searle, my English teacher from High School

shadowseer

Well, it my novel, and I had it on for a while, but then i took it off when I finished cuz I didn't want anyone stealing it.

__________________


The greatest irony in life is that no one lives through it. - Kurt Vonnegut