Deleted - Writers Forum

Graff · 08-30-2005, 10:20 AM

DELETED

Chris Miller · 08-30-2005, 12:43 PM

Hey Graff,

I just started reading this. The grammar seems pretty good, except that you use "it's" wrong over and over. This is very distracting for me. I keep reading it as "it is" instead of "its" as you intended.

"its" is the same as "his" or "hers"--no apostrophe.

"it's" = "it is"

I suggest you edit and correct if you have the time, before too many others wade into your otherwise fine prose.

I will now finish reading and offer critique later.

Graff · 08-30-2005, 11:46 PM

Thank you for pointing that out, I've always had trouble with that for some reason. The way you explained it helped a lot, and I fixed up the mistakes in the story. If there's any more, please tell me. Thank you!

Chris Miller · 08-31-2005, 11:20 AM

Hey Graff,

Good stuff.

Only a few edits:

Quote:

…others choices of work.

other’s

Quote:

A Rolling stones tune…

Stones

Quote:

…drivers seat.

Quote:

…driver seat.

driver’s

You should go through this and be sure you caught all the possessives (where you always need to use an apostrophe).

Quote:

That horrifying face is like a rolodex, flipping through my entire history of kills.

This is my favorite line in the whole story. Great imagery.

I liked your story. It flowed clean and simple, and kept me reading. There may have been a few too many adverbs for my taste, unnecessary “quickly”s and “quietly”s for example, but overall it had no trouble keeping my interest. You kept nice emotional detachment, especially important for your character here, and also something most beginning writers have trouble with.

Neither the first post-script nor the epilogue worked for me. I found the nursing post-script too telling and pat. I found the epilogue confusing and telling both, somehow. I say this so much, that I am beginning to think it is probably just me, but… you don’t have to wrap it up all nice and pretty. I think a few poetic sentences on the natural ending (of the first part) would more than suffice and give it greater impact and closure.

semtecks · 08-31-2005, 06:39 PM

Great story, Graff. I really enjoyed it. I thought that the hitman character was a bit too simplistic at first, but then as i read the ending, i realised that he'd been planning to kill himself and it all sort of worked out. But i think you could maybe even stand to lose the epilogue, i think the story wouuld work well without it, but if someones bared with it untill then i suppose it doesn't matter.

I suppose i have a contender to take my twist ending title, huh?

I guess i'll have to do a few twists just to catch up then.

Graff · 09-01-2005, 01:14 AM

Thank you very much guys! I respect you both, and love to here compliments from you.

The problem with removing the epilogue is, if I do it, how do I reveal the twist? I don't really know how to tell the reader that--wait--I just thought of a way lol. well...I'm off to work on that. Thanks guys, I'll review whatever you put up, you can count on it!

Well, whatever I see anyways. I mostly stick to the short story forum.

gohn67 · 09-01-2005, 03:06 AM

Hey Graff,
Wow, I liked this story alot. Your best yet.

Here are my comments as I read

Quote:

I holster my gun, and begin to walk back to my car, a black
Mercedes, which sits parked just around the next corner.

I thought he was walking the whole time up until this point.

Quote:

This is a situation I see often in this job. She will tell him
that there’s a man at the door for him, and he’ll know what I’m here
for. He’ll call the police, and that’ll be it for me.

How would he know? Why would he be expecting him? If he was expecting him, he'd have the cops there already, wouldn't he?

Quote:

Those damn lights in my mirror again.

Something important about these lights, I think. Been mentioned alot so far.

Quote:

I walk to the driver side window and
peer in to see who my follower is. No one there. This makes me jump,

Whoa. Interesting. I wonder what this is? A ghost? His Imagination?

Quote:

I’m doing almost a hundred in a forty zone, turning the houses
lining the streets into a rushing blur

Too many "ing" words here. Makes it awkward.

I didn't like the part in the mental institution, but I think the epilogue worked fine. But definitly if you have a better idea, go for it.

Good Job, Graff.

Graff · 09-01-2005, 01:33 PM

Thank you gohn

Quote:

How would he know? Why would he be expecting him? If he was expecting him, he'd have the cops there already, wouldn't he?

No, his second target was a witness to a crime. One way to make sure he doesn't testify is to kill him. He could be expecting some one to try this, and when he heard there was someone at the door, and the old lady described him, he might call the police. If he didn't recognize the description he would be nervous.

Graff · 09-01-2005, 01:56 PM

I just put up the editted version without the epilogue and post script. Please let me know if you liked the other version better, or if you like this one. Thank you!

Wyndstar · 09-01-2005, 08:02 PM

Ooohhh this was so very smoothly written. No inconsisitancies in the narrative at all. What you would expect a professional to sound like, even to the end. I wasn't surprised at the ending however, since your char hinted his regret in what he was doing prior to the end. This did not hurt the piece in any way. I think what I liked most about it was that the ending was very credible. Whether you believe the dead can haunt, they are there. They can either be perceived as real, or in his mind.

A wonderful story Graff

Graff · 09-01-2005, 08:11 PM

Wow wyndstar, those were some really nice compliments. Thank you very much for reading my story, and I'm glad you liked it so much.

gohn67 · 09-01-2005, 09:07 PM

I think the epilogue was alot more effective than your new ending.

Also I'm not sure if you made any significant changes to the rest of the story, so I didn't read it again, just read the end. I found myslef prefering the epilogue, just with out the post script part. But if you did make some big changes to the rest of the story I will read it again.

Still either way this is an awesome story.

Graff · 09-02-2005, 01:30 AM

cool, I'll probably do that. There are no other changes to the rest, so you don't need to read it again. Thank you

Edit: I just changed it so that the post script is gone, but the epilogue is there. Thank you gohn for the advice, I think it's best this way

Chris Miller · 09-02-2005, 10:35 AM

Hi Graff,

I sort of agree with gohn. There were parts of the epilogue and post-narrative I didn't mind.

I read your story yesterday and then thought about it overnight. The problem with either ending is twofold:

1. No where in the (very good) development of the main character do you give us any indication that he is the kind of guy who would be inclined to off himself, you know, like erase his own map. He seems like a psychopath: cold, calculating and together. That he would commimt suicide out of some deep angst and remorse is completely out of character for him.

2. The problem with the epilogue and your new ending (even if the suicide worked) is that they are too telling and pat. You just kind of blurt out the explanation. If this guy were to kill himself, it would have to be as some sub-conscious action, the result some highly supressed guilt which he himself never understands, but only acts on.

To fix, and this is tricky, you must (subtly) foreshadow in the narrative his mounting dissatisfaction with his career choice. Show the angst and guilt beginning to rise out of his subconscious, that he is tortured by the ghosts of those he has slain.

I love the rolodex thing. I think the last face on it should be his. Then he should put his gun in the mouth of this face. Then he should taste cold metal, powder residue and oil.

Then, something like:

"I pull the trigger, sending him to merciful hell."

The end.

What do you think?

Graff · 09-02-2005, 02:30 PM

Wow chris, I love that idea for an ending. It seems so perfect! When I get home from work, I'll do some writing and try out that idea. Although I'm nervous that I'll screw up a really good idea you've given me.

It's as if you've handed me a weapon that could destroy humanity, and said "Be careful with that." I'll post as soon as it's finished. Thank you!

And about the dissatisfaction with his career choice. I thought I hinted at that when he was talking about that little bit of humanity that was trapped deep inside of him, only waiting to come out.