semtecks

Now i read it without the hospital scene, i realise the epilogue does work. as for the suicide thing, i guessed form the heartless way he did the killings that he was a man who was emotionally dead; so It didn't really bother me when i discovered he'd been planning to kill himself.

But looking back, maybe Chris does have a point. I'll have a look at the new ending and copare and contrast.

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http://semtecks.bebo.com

Graff

Just posted the new ending, tell me if you like it

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"Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." -- William Strunk Jr.

gohn67

Nice, I like it.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

semtecks

I like it actually, a story that stops sudden at the twist has much more impact. hey, i just had a thought: What if the thing gets out of the car and the killer faces him. He aims the gun, seeing his own face, and the thing raises its own gun, and they fire together? Just a thought, the ending as it is works great though.

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Graff

That's a good idea, I'll consider writing that one in. I pretty happy with this ending right now, so I'll stick with it for a while. After a few more people tell me what they think, I'll know whether I should change anything or not.

Thank you!

By the way, I loved your new story semtecks

I'm just about to read your newest one, camp calorie, so you can expect a review from me.

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"Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." -- William Strunk Jr.

Chris Miller

Nice work. I like it. I might have him stick the gun in the mouth of the face of the guy on the rolodex (that looks like him) rather than "his" own actual mouth, is all. Still let him taste the oil etc after (so you can see what's really going on). But let him kill himself exactly the way he killed everyone else, in the 3rd person.

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the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

jean-Paul j.

I think that you did the part of the MACK BOLAN TYPE EXEC character pretty good. Just go deeper into the mind of a killer that kills not just one, but several in one night. Only a fool would go from one scene to the next constantly blasting. I call that overkill. Really, is this guy supposed to be THE most twisted hitman ever? Because that's what he is, and, you have HANDLED that part, I mean, you did ok. The thing in the car should react more with him psychologically, drawing him to the even more darker side of death which is suicide. Overall very dark, horror, and gothic, with sufficient psychological edge..... but what am I going to do, whine to my mama and cry because He feels sorry for himself... he should of blown gran away , or was shot in the lower regions to make the suicide more believeable,<then it would have been a comedy>--- by the way, a silencer doesn't make the killer, it is the animal cunning.

Graff

Chris

I tried to leave it up to the reader whether he was shooting the rolodex face, or himself. Thank you so much for that idea.

Jean

Thank you for the review

Haven't you seen "Collateral'? Several killings in one night is possible indeed.

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"Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." -- William Strunk Jr.