Woman of Sand (PG-13ish, sexual situations, mild profanity) - Writers Forum

Hodge · 08-29-2005, 01:17 AM

[an:35f5e5844a]4500 words
I originally intended to end this much earlier and on a depressing note, but I feel like the ending works. But then again, maybe it doesn't. Tell me what you think about it.[/an:35f5e5844a]

[disc:35f5e5844a]Some descriptions and references of a sexual nature, although quite honestly, if you've gone through puberty (or are going through it), there shouldn't be anything new.[/disc:35f5e5844a]

This is the best story in the world!

The end.

(deleted—almost time to submit)

Chris Miller · 08-29-2005, 09:49 AM

Hi Hodge,

Well written piece. Drew me in, kept me reading. I like the Alaskan setting.

Quote:

The desolate road looked like something out of an episode of Scooby-Doo

Don’t like these kinds of similes. They date the author and (I know this sounds snobbish) are like totally non-litertary. Or maybe it’s just I never watched enough TV, much less Scooby Doo.

Quote:

But I’m not entirely sure I did this because of my dick.

Your voice/vernacular seems to change/degrade whenever referring to sexual matters. You lose your objectivity. Like you are over-compensating for nervousness or something.

Quote:

This was actually the first time I had seen our beach at night like this—the moon’s reflection on the Pacific water lit up the shore along with its counterpart in the sky. It was completely serene and still, like I was living in a painting.

This is just one example of a lot of prose I think is very good.

Quote:

Dark, almost liquid orbs that seemed to pierce my very being.

A tad cliché.

Quote:

…and Dean blows something in the rocks up with a firecracker.

Reads funny, a split infinitive type error. Don’t split “blows” and “up” so far apart.

Quote:

I thought she meant I should be cautious with the fireworks we intended to set off—wouldn’t want to put an eye out.

This didn’t ring believable after his recurring nightmare.

Aside from the few things I mentioned which are really more a matter of personal taste than anything, I thought this was a great story. It does not really read like an old man reminiscing, even at the end, more like a younger man fantasizing. But I still really enjoyed the read. Some nice twists (like the first wet dream) and good emotion. I didn’t spot any edits, although I was kind of absorbed in the read. Thanks for sharing this.

Chris

Wyndstar · 08-29-2005, 11:16 AM

After reading the story, I had to go back to the first line where your char announced that he'd killed a woman at 15 years. Thing is, during the whole story, there isn't a moment where he really believes he CAN kill her, nor are there any situations even in an enviromental sense that they did. She dissolved into a pile of sand after a few pyrotechnics, and then his friends are the ones who died.

One other thing is, he loved her so much that he can disregard that she murdered his friends? Wasn't there any outrage, shock, and maybe a bit of fear when he learned what happened?

Chris was right about the parts where intimacy was involved. I can almost feel an internal struggle as far as how to write it comfortably. Still, for a 15 year old, it pretty much IS. I could understand the difficulty in an old man trying to convey that.

The writing itself was compelling though. Enough to keep me reading when for me, personally, young boys going on killing sprees are a turn off. It's clean and follows itself nicely along.

evidently okay · 08-29-2005, 11:31 AM

I really enjoyed reading this. I like how it start as lust and then turns to a a deep and stong love, beacause isn't that how love always starts? It seemed very real to human nature. The wet dreams and erections and what draws him to her, but then it becomes something more.

Hodge · 08-29-2005, 10:04 PM

Chris: you rock, man. I feel bad because you always comment on my pieces and yours always have a dozen or more by the time I see them.

When I wrote this I had just read Star's post in one of the debates about how he's sick of people using euphemisms and candy-coating genitalia and sex, so some of the passages reflect that.

Wyndstar: I originally meant to write this completely differently. I wrote the first three or four paragraphs with the intention of making the woman a mysterious figure only viewed from afar (like a ghost) who appeared after they blew shit up on the beach with firecrackers and turned to sand, crying. But then I set it aside for a couple months and came back to it Saturday night, deciding that Rhianna would be an actual character inspired by the Celtic goddess Rhiannon.

Evidently okay: thanks! That's what I strive for—believability. Real people send real messages, and that's how I like to get through to people.

So, the ending was okay? Not too happy-sappy, cliché, or predictable? I don't like happy endings (bittersweet is good), but it would have depressed me too much to not make it happy...