Cipher2

Ugly Remnants
Part 2


“I can’t be bothered with this,” I sigh, chucking the stupid stripy straw at Vance sitting opposite who catches it and throws it back at me in one movement, leaving a trail of froth over the tabletop.
“What’s this place called again?” I ask, bored.
“Flying Cups.”
“Cute.”
“You don’t like Mochachino, then why order it?” Vance asks.
This is the level of conversation I have come to expect so I just say, “it seemed a good idea at the time.” Then I ask, “get me a cider.”
“Sure Miss,” Vance replies with psuedo-respect.
As he goes to the bar, I notice him pass a muscular looking woman who is presumably the owner. She has her hair in a tight ponytail and a tattoo of a moth on her shoulder. She is pointing to the exit and I catch her say, “you can’t use the toilet without buying anything.” A, possibly Kosovan, man is just sat at a drink-free table, looking confused then he stands up looking like he is about to leave, but he says to the owner, “the station?” gesturing wildly in frustration, then sits again.

Thankfully Vance returns quickly with a cider and I am glad he remembered no ice. “Well, Vance this was worth it,” I say with more than a hint of sarcasm but he barely registers and we lapse into silence that isn’t really silence since it is disturbed by the Kosovan but Vance* brakes it unexpectedly asking, “what ever happened to Matt?”
“Who gives a shit what happened to Matt?” I spit, frowning, an unpleasant sensation gripping my stomach. How can just a name do that?
“You weren’t friends though? I thought-“
I hold my hand up in a stop sign but realise that he probably doesn’t know. Still, this doesn’t make it easier. I feel awkward but I am faced with either avoiding the issue and him thinking I’m irrational or… actually telling him.
“Well, d’you remember Damien?” I ask and it takes more than a large gulp of the Cider and a Marlborough that I light, to steel myself.
Vance pinches the bridge of his nose, putting his head down in thought.
“You remember: that gay guy who used to hang around with Matt.”
“Oh yeah. Gay Damien.”
“Don’t call him ‘Gay Damien’”
“Why not? He was gay wasn’t he-”
“-Anyway, you remember he went drinking with Matt a lot?” I say then take a deep breath, blowing out hard. “Damien told me at his house warming party, about Adele – she was Matt’s best mate’s sister.”
“I heard about that. She was only sixteen-”
“Thirteen. She was thirteen, Vance.” I stop him, getting up abruptly to go to the bar, sick to my stomach but realising that I already have a drink and that Vance also does, I head for the toilets, disorientated.

In the toilets I lean on the sink looking at my reflection in the mirror and even though I can’t be, I feel drunk. The music that I’d not really noticed before seems louder in here but strange and distorted as someone sings:

“I say you don’t know
you say I don’t know
I say…take me out”

*edited 28/8 10pm

gohn67

Hey Cipher,
I like the dialogue in this section. I'm not sure of the importance of what they're saying yet; it's still early in the story. But it does show alot about the characters, it's also interesting and sounds pretty natural.

You did a really good job of showing tension through the dialogue aslo.

Also the dialogue format this time was easy to read and follow. And it looks correct.

Just some nitpick/stuff.

The last line of dialogue comes out of no where. It doesn't seem to connect with what was said before.

Part in bold, seems wrong. Not sure how to reword it though.

This sentence is kind of clunky, mostly the part in bold.

Also when you mention Matt. I thought someone named Matt actually came to the table.

brakes = Breaks.

Also I'm not sure who was talking here. At first I thought it was hte protagonist.

I understand what you mean but this is kind of clunky.
Maybe try to reword this.

--
I think your story plotwise is working fine. But we haven't gotten far enough to know the plot completely yet, but it's working so far.

I really like the tension that you have created in these characters. Especially in this chapter, it seems like a such a normal conversation, but there is so much intention in it.

I think you should just work on some of the sentence structure, which is a bit awkward at times.

Good Luck with this.

__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog

Cipher2

Ah, that is a really stupid mistake for me to make, should be Vance speaking.

I will edit the original post because it really throws it.

Thanks for the comments that I am looking at some of which I had an inkling of but couldn't see a better line.

semtecks

You're pretty good with dialogue, it flows like . . . well, like two people talking. Although you haven't double spaced between each line of speech. Any paticular reason? Are you using an old word prcessor and don't know how to use tab? If so just press Enter twice for each paragraph.

Some small mistakes break up the dialogue, i.e.

This is the level of conversation I have come to expect so I just say, “it seemed a good idea at the time.

"it" should be capitalised.

I think i can see whats happening. The guy's been spiked, right? Someone put Rophynol in my drink once, so i know the feeling.

__________________
http://semtecks.bebo.com

Cipher2

Ok semtecks thanks for that. I didn't realise that you start a sentence with a capital when the tag is at the start. I find double spacing more difficult to read than single. Maybe it depends on the monitor settings so I'll consider that for the next instalment. As far as being spiked goes you are on the right track though I don't want to say too much yet. Also you said 'guy'. The protagonist in this scene is a women. I am not sure if guy can mean either sex.

Cheers for the comments.