Destany

Marlo woke in such a state of confusion, that even as he ambled through the house, banging into walls and scuffing his feet on the floor, he wasn’t entirely certain if he was sleeping or awake. He hated being woke like this, the alarm clock blaring scratchily and jolting him from sleep before his body or his mind were ready for it. He forced himself to jump up, to move forward. Which was precisely why he found himself standing in the doorway of the bedroom, staring at the clock that read 3:02, and thinking that it couldn’t be right. Three in the morning, where was his wife? Where were the kids? Alarmed and frightened, he slowly registered that the bed was made and the sun pouring through the window was yellow and bland. Afternoon sun.

And then he remembered. The alarm had been set precisely. It would give him just enough time to put on his pressed suit and lace up his patent leather loafers and brush the fuzz from his teeth. Jess was on her way to the school now to pick up the kids. She would get back just in time to let him use the car. Tonight he had a meeting with fate. A day that would change the course of their lives. He sat heavily on the edge of the bed and pulled on his thin black socks, hating the feel of them and wiping the crust from his eyelashes.

Mr. Murphy was not a patient man. It was imperative that he hurry, Jess would be home in ten minutes. This was cutting it close and he couldn’t afford to dawdle once she pulled into the drive. Swallowing the bitter acid that rose in his throat and cursing his stomach for being ill-behaved, he dashed into the bathroom to brush his teeth before putting on his shirt and fumbling with the buttons. The state of half sleep gone from him completely, he was now on the verge of panic. The feeling of standing on the edge of a great unknown abyss, contemplating the long jump into the uncharted realms of destiny threatened to send him shrieking down the street in madness. He knew this was the most difficult part and that in less than two hours, whatever the outcome, it would at least be over.

He wished he hadn’t slept and hated that he had needed to. But for the last week, he hadn’t slept at all. That morning as he sat slumped at the kitchen table, unshaven and on the brink of insanity, Jess had brought him back. Once the children were at school, she took the bottle from him and poured it down the sink, coughing and wincing at the whiskey fumes as they filled her nostrils.

She didn’t say a word and neither did he. Honestly, he had been wondering what was taking her so long and so he sat in ready compliance, grateful that she was able to do this when he needed her too. She had taken his hand and led him into the bathroom where she carefully shaved and bathed him. Then she put him on the sofa and forced a small yellow pill into his mouth to help him sleep off the drunk as her fingers fumbled with the buttons on the clock on the table. He was out before he could even thank her. Disgusted with himself, he laced up his shoes.

But what did he have to be ashamed of really? This wasn’t like the other times and Jess knew it when she saw the pallid crazed expression on his face a week ago. Something had happened to him. Relating the story to her had been easy, and he knew that even if she didn’t believe him, she would be kind about it. And so he told her everything.


Earlier that evening, as he sat at the bar drinking his Jack Daniels out of the too small shot glasses, he was confronted by a stranger who couldn’t have been a man. Men don’t have eyes like those, he told her. Eyes that flash from black to red and back to green without even blinking. And when the man touched his arm to pull him from the stool, it was with a blast of heat that raced through his body.

“Mr. Murphy wants to see you.” The man whispered into his ear. The touch of his breath brought another wave of heat and though Marlo recoiled, desperately wanting to pull away, he found he had no control over his limbs, his voice, or even his facial features. His feet were moving of their own accord, allowing the man to lead him between the clusters of spindle legged tables.

In his mind, he was fighting the man. He was yelling and cursing and trying with all his might to pull away. But he couldn’t do any of these things and his reflection in the window showed only a white faced and slack expression. The only hint that something was amiss being the terror in his eyes. Out into the cold dark night, his feet carried him, the burning on his arm as the man clutched him firmly was becoming less tolerable and he felt his mind failing to take in the details of his surroundings. Vaguely, he realized he was moving across the street towards a narrow alleyway.

No, not in there! Not in there! He screamed silently. But there was precisely where they were going and had he any control over his body at all, he would have lost it and vomited, possibly even urinated at the fear. There was not a place any man would go willingly. In that narrow alley where the sun didn’t shine even when it was directed at it, countless bodies had been found. Mutilated beyond recognition as being anything human, the bodies had been hung and dismembered, burnt with some sort of acid, ripped to shreds by teeth that had no origin known to man.

That alley had seen more than death on an unimaginable scale. It had seen depravity of which a normal human could never speak. Once every year or two the bodies would be brought out by authorities who claimed to want nothing more than to find the killer, but were far too frightened to try very hard.

But it was not that time of year! Marlo thought. The hope inside him never reached the surface as it was blocked by putrid fear that held him completely as his feet trudged onward and over the curb of the sidewalk and into the darkness that took him like a living shadow, enveloping him and filling his lungs.

Finally, he stopped and found himself facing a brick wall, the soles of his sneakers standing in a shallow puddle of rain water though it hadn’t rained in weeks. The air was so thick it felt like velvet and shadows erupted from an invisible source of blue light.

“Ah, Marlo. I’ve been waiting for some time.” A cold silky voice spoke out of the depths. The man beside him relinquished his grasp at last, but Marlo’s feet remained planted and unwilling to heed his commands to run.

“What do you want!” He tried to say, but all that escaped him was a rattling breathless groan.

“I have been watching you Marlo. I have been watching you for a very long time, and I must say, I am - impressed by you.” The voice came forward and Marlo was staring into the face of himself. A man who looked exactly like him except he was dressed impeccably in a steel grey suit and black patent leather shoes with an orange silk tie.

Marlo only stuttered.

“You see, I am well aware of your amazing talents, dear boy. Your abilities are quite unique in this modern mortal world.” The man’s face twisted into a grin that could only be interpreted as sinister. “How many have you killed? Never mind, the count is not important. What is important Marlo, is the manner in which you killed them, and the complete lack of remorse for your actions.”

“I never killed!” Marlo shrieked, his voice sounding more like his wife’s than his own. “I never killed anyone!”

“Oh yes, you most certainly did.” The man said calmly. “Do you not remember? The boy in your fifth grade class, what was him name, Charlie?”

Marlo’s breath stopped short. This man could not have known about Charlie, that ages ago! For only a moment, he thought he was going to faint. He wished for it, but it seemed he had no control over that either.
“Charlie had a heart condition.” he murmured desperately.

“Yes, that’s what they said in the end, wasn’t it? No, my dear boy, Charlie was perfectly healthy and you know it. You knew it then too, but you wouldn’t believe. You wanted him to die, so he did. The same as your eleventh grade music teacher. And the girl who rejected you the next year. Everyone who has rejected you or threatened you has wound up dead. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.” The man said simply.

“No.” Marlo said in a small voice, but the man was telling him nothing that he hadn’t always known. Like a splinter in his brain, these were the thoughts that haunted him in the quiet dark hours when the icy dread became too intense to allow him a moments restful reprieve.

“Yes!” Said the man, a wicked glint tinkling in his eyes.

“Who are you?” Marlo whispered.

“Who do you think? No, I am not the Devil, but I am close. Marlo, who would you guess? Go on now, take a stab at it.”

“Death.” He lowered his eyes to hide the tears welling up in them. How else could this man have known about those people? How else could he have known what deadly secret lie inside his heart? A secret he had never told a single soul. And deny it though he wished he could, it was a fact Marlo felt when he laid eyes upon this creature who mimicked his reflection. It was what he felt in the mornings when getting ready for work. Or glimpsing himself in mirrors as happened often in this vain society. To behold the face of death staring out of his eyes and mouthing words with his lips.

Death nodded. “But for the sake of our conversation, and for you and your dear Jessica when you leave me, you may call me Mr. Murphy, for I am not the only death spirit who walks this earth. There are many of us, hundreds, nary, thousands you see. I only hunt this city. But I am in line for a promotion. Isn’t that wonderful?”

“You... you killed those people.” Marlo spluttered. “The ones they pulled out of here, you killed them?”

“Killed them? In a sense. People die, my boy, at the hands of many things. But the heart will not stop unless I make it. Any person who has ever died in this city has been by my hands, you could say.”

“But the bodies!”

“Oh, that silliness. Yes, it is quite disturbing what man will do. Do you see that door behind me?” Mr. Murphy turned and gestured amicably toward a narrow black door that stood to go unnoticed unless it was pointed out. “That is my home. Just beyond that door is grand estate. One that no mortal eyes have seen for mortals have made certain that people don’t come down here.”

“What do you mean?”

“Child, I am death. It is only natural that the most twisted and sadistic murderers of society - not to mention the beasts who hunt mortal flesh in a world where their presence goes unbelieved, would be attracted to my front yard, such as it is. They come from far and wide and kill at deaths door.”

“So they know of you. They know where you live.” Marlo was beginning to feel braver as the comprehension settled in on him. Curiosity and a strange relief forced the fear away.

“Know? Not really, they are drawn to me. For they share certain qualities that I myself possess. Though, they also have qualities in which I myself are proud not to claim. Killing for sport is one thing, killing for mercy is quite another. But I’m not here to explain myself to you Marlo. I am here to offer you a job, so to speak.”

“Wha...?” Marlo was certain he must have misheard.

“As I said before, I am being promoted. And it is to me to find my replacement. As I also said before, I have watched you for quite some time. All your life, actually. Do you think it is a coincidence that you look exactly like me? You were born for this Marlo.”

“No. I don’t believe it.” He lied. Uncertainty and dread creeping up on him once more and threatening to take its hold, Marlo feared the truth more than this man or his menacing companion.

“It is not your choice to believe me or not. It is only your choice to accept it or not. The job offer, I mean. There is no accepting that you are a killer. Oh, I know you didn’t mean to kill those people. But weren’t you relieved, even secretly glad in some ways that they were dead?”

“Stop it.” Marlo said, barely aloud.

“You have one week to make up your mind. I expect you back here at that time with your response. If you accept, I will school you in the manner of which you can bring mercy to your victims instead of pain. And there are rules or course, which will have to be discussed. Oh yes, we have quite a lot of business to tend to at that time.” Mr. Murphy gestured to the man beside Marlo and turned to go.

“And if I refuse?” Marlo called after him.

“Refuse?" Mr. Murphy turned and looked straight into Marlo's eyes."You won’t be doing that, I assure you. You have a fate. A purpose. To decline that purpose makes you most unnecessary. And the first rule to this job Marlo, is to take first those who have no reason for being here.” Mr. Murphy’s face contorted into an evil grin as he turned and walked briskly away.

It was only with a valiant effort that Marlo then spun on his heal and sprinted out of the alley way toward the parking lot on the other side of the street. Stopping only to vomit at the door of his car. He spent the following week in a constant state of drunk but it did little to dull the horror of what had occurred, or what he was facing for there was little doubt that whatever he chose, to deny Mr. Murphy this impending visit would surely mean his ruin.

Jess pulled into the driveway. Marlo watched her through the slats of the blinds and became aware only in that instant that she really hadn’t believed him. If she did, she could not be smiling so placidly at the two little girls who climbed out of the back seat. His stomach turning over, he tried to force an easy smile on his face but knew it looked strained. He stepped out his door and kissed his wife and children quickly, refusing to consider the possibility of never seeing them again. For he knew, whether he accepted the job or not, they could not follow where he was going. One way or the other, he was diving into the realms of death and darkness. He would not subject his family to the monstrosity of this distorted providence.

Shaking uncontrollably and fighting back screams, he climbed behind the wheel and jerked the car into gear. With one last look at his family and his home, he sped off towards ambiguity, his heart growing lighter and the anxiety evaporating slowly the closer he came to his fate.

Isis

This seemed like something very modern [well, it is] when I started it, and it really interested me when fate was mentioned. It seemed interesting and sort of out of place, but not in a bad way - it made me want to find out why. So good job there.

One grammar pick:
There should be a comma there instead of a period, I think. I noticed that this happened in one or two other places.

I don't really have much crit for this - it was really well written, and interesting. I thought the idea that Death and Marlo looking the same was a nice twist. Maybe the idea of death as a grand man, and a dark alleyway, are used ideas...but they seemed to work. I enjoyed reading this.

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The Jackal: Half a million. In cash. Half in advance, and half on completion.
Montclair: Half a million francs?
The Jackal: Dollars.
Montclair: Are you mad?
The Jackal: Considering you expect to get France in return, I'd have thought it a reasonable price

gohn67

Hey Destany,
Good story, I liked it. I agree with Isis though that some of the ideas were things I've seen before, but I still like the story. It didn't affect me at all.

The second half of the story when death arrives is when the story starts to pick up steam and where I started to get into the story. The dialogue was very effective for me. It was one of the reasons why I liked the second half so much.

The first paragraph didn't work so well for me. I think you should rework it becuase it seems very repetitive and clunky how it is written right now.

A few things here. This sentence seems like a run on. Probably have to make it two sentences or cut some words.

LIke you can cut out "State of Confusion", it is telling and becuase you also show the confusion pretty well throughout the paragraph and in this sentence. So you don't really need it.

Also the part where he says he is not entirely sure if he was sleeping or awake, I think you should take one of those out.

But it also that part of the sentence contradicts the beginning of the sentence alittle because it says Marlon "WOKE". But I also understand that that last part is what Marlon is thinking. And the first part is what Marlon actually did. So this is just kind of a preference thing. And not a big issue or anything.

I'd take out hte adverb scratchily. It is kind of weak.

It reads funny to me. But I'm not sure if it is actually wrong.

Also this sentence sounds just little bit repetitve. Like he's waking up again.

This sentence seems like he is just getting out of bed also. At least to me. I think maybe it's the order of the sentences in this paragrpah or something.

This is probably preference more so than anything. I tend to prefer shorter sentences in my writing. And I just feel that this part could be spilt into two sentences.

"Once the children were at school, she took the bootle from him and poured it down the sink. She coughed and winced as whiskey fumes filled her nostrils."

But I think it can work well as one also. Just that the wording in the part in bold is cumbersome to read.

"Once the children were at school, she took the bootle from him and poured it down the sink, coughing and wincing as whiskey fumes filled her nostrils."

I know what you mean, I'm not sure that that is the right word. It just reads kind of awkward.

Maybe "sleep off his drunkness" ? <- that doesn't sound right either.

Maybe take out the And or the So. One or the other. Not saying that you can't do it like that. Just reads awkward to me.

Kind of strange here. The part in bold, mainly. I'm confused by you use of "her". Because second sentence after that one you use "man".

Kind of awkward. Not really sure why. The part in bold is around where I get thrown off in this sentence.

I think you should take out the "Vaguely". I think it will work without it.

I'm not sure the purpose. Is his mind clouded? So that he doesn't know where he is?

Vaguely and realized seem to contradict eachother.

"that was ages ago."

Nary? Do you mean nearly?

Also I think you should rewrite the sentence without the word "many". "Many" to me seems like alot but not as much as a thousand.
And it is "up" to ...

I was actually unaware that the talk with the devil was a flashback. And that now the reader is back in present time.

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I did like this story. I rather liked it. Just that some of the sentences in the first half were a bit awkward. The second half was great.

I just previewed this post, and it looks really long. But don't worry most of the stuff I pointed out were small things. I just spent too much time rambling about them.

Good work, Destany.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

Destany

Thankyou both for your comments. I agree, some of the elements are familiar, but then, almost any idea has been used before. I'm glad to see it doesn't seem to be a huge deal in this. Hopefully, the couple spins I put on it make it a little different.
I'll rework the beginning later this evening if I have time, I do plan to keep some of it to let the audience know what Marlo has to give up, but I agree the first paragraph is awkward.
And double thanks for going through and finding the grammatical mistakes for me, I thought I had been pretty thourough in catching them. I'm glad you guys enjoyed it!