Evanescence

He was there for a moment, laying in a beautiful resonance on the bed. I stroked his face, his warmth illuminated my skin; from a transparent white to a rosey glow. I ran my fingers through his ebony hair and kissed his cheek. His breath rasped, like a child in a cage, the sickness of the lungs had him, yet I would not let him go. I could see the sickness inside his chest, I could see it grasp his lungs like party balloons, the tighter it held the greater the pressure inside his chest grew. I could feel his pain seep through his struggling breath, I knew it was only a small fragment of time before he would yeild to the sickness, yet it was such a knowledge I denied.
I threw my body over his legs and begged him not to leave. He mourned a soft sound, seeming he didnt want to leave irther, however he knew he had to. "Dont leave me here," i cried, the coldness of my tears freezing his slightest movement. Then, as I wiped away the water from the corners of my eyes, I heard him give into the sickness. I heard his lungs split under the pressure, the impurities of the air within them escaping in his bloodstream, poisoning him, slowly yet swiftly.
Compelled to save him, in spite of the realisation I couldnt, I crawled rapidly up his body and dragged him to the soild foundation of the floor.
I placed my hands onto his chest and my lips onto his. In a desperate bid to keep him from failing, I breathed into him. I saw his chest raise, so I did it again.. and again and again..and again, yet as the minutes passed, my energy drained and my motivation evanscent like water vapour. I removed my lips from his, coming to the breaking reality, that his lips were blue, his eyes were mauled over and his skin no longer held that warmth that had entraced me. My last kiss to him; his last breath for me. And I would never forget it.

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"Hubert Cumberdale, you taste like soot and poo."

"Ooooh, that was a treat for the fingers."

"Do you not like my mouth words?"

"rusty kettle...(scratch scratch)... ooooaaaahhhh"

Wyndstar

Hi

You need to clean this up a bit I think, before any one will read it. Try spacing and fixing your spelling. I put it on word and its coming up a bit in the red. Punctuation needs work too.

His breath rasped, like a child in a cage

This doesn't work well. Chidren will struggle, yell, cry---but I've never seen any sort of rasping action.

this has the potential of being a nicely emotional piece---so work on it.

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Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

Sephiroth

Like Wyndstar said, it does need cleaned up, as its a bit hard to read at the moment.
also, you used the word sickness a bit too often

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She has a face on her that looks like a bulldog thats just licked piss off a nettle..

Isis

Again with what the others said - and I think that something is missing in between the rasping and the cage. This could easily be a very powerful scene.

Also, on boards like this, people like to read things that have spaces between the paragraphs. This wasn't so bad because it was very short - however, if you turn to longer writings, make sure that you put a full space between each paragraph. Tabs don't work on most forums, and not on this one.

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The Jackal: Half a million. In cash. Half in advance, and half on completion.
Montclair: Half a million francs?
The Jackal: Dollars.
Montclair: Are you mad?
The Jackal: Considering you expect to get France in return, I'd have thought it a reasonable price

Graff

I liked it, but I agree with the previous reviewers. There were several grammar and spelling mistakes, but I din't seem to notice them as much as usual in this story.

Overall, I did like it. Keep it up

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"Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." -- William Strunk Jr.