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Don't Look Back
I heard her laughter, echo in my ears. Saw the excitement in her eyes. She smiled at me and I knew it was true, she was in love. My only fear was that she loved me. My feelings for her were strong but could I really love? Could I really put my heart on the line like that again so soon? I squirmed at the questions she asked, I tried to dodge them at every turn. Each one grazed my head, letting me know that I might have avoided answering the questions at that moment, but I couldn’t run forever. What a scary thought, to not be able to express my feelings for fear of my feelings. Fear that engulfs my whole heart, my soul, my mind, my body, slowly strangling out what little sanity I have left. Finally her questions found their target, she wouldn’t be shaken this time. They hit me center mass and my body reeled at the shock from reality. My mouth became sticky with saliva, and I found it hard to swallow. I forced down a lump in my throat and faced her. I chose my words carefully and slowly responded. “With all my heart I love you, but I’m not ready right now to run with it. My love for you is like a pool, and my biggest fear right now is that I might drown in it. Please forgive me for my carelessness with your emotions, I did not mean to toile with your heart. When I said distant future, I meant just that. I smile every time I think about you, and that is not something I want to give up.” Sweat beaded across my forehead, and droplets ran down the side of my face. I saw her force a smile, I could tell it took her every thing she had to do it. Reaching up with her left hand she brushed a strand of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. She opened her mouth as if she were going to speak, then paused, started to speak again and then stopped herself, turned around, and took a few steps. She stopped and stood there for a moment as if collecting her thoughts, and turned to face me again. A tear had traced the curve of her cheek, but she did not wipe it away. “I love you, not a little, not halfway. But with my whole heart, with all of it that I can give to you. If this is not enough for you, then you are not enough for me.” She turned again and made it to the door in a few short strides. She opened the door and paused, as if to give me the chance to stop her, and when she realized I wouldn’t, she stepped through. She closed the door behind her, never looking back.
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"It is certain that there is nothing in the idea of a pre-existent state that excites our longing like the prospect of a posthumous existence." William Hazlitt
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