Tunkpirate

Strip Club Prophet

[Enters and walks to a table with drinks. Begins to mix a martini]

She wasn’t beautiful. I don’t even think you would call her pretty, if it weren’t for the fact that most men’s first sight is of her snatch. She liked to take her clothes off. The men all whistled and stared and that made her feel special. I gave her a five and she put her inner thigh in my face. You don’t have to do this I thought, There are better jobs out there for ugly girls. Yet, I don’t think it was the money that got her on stage. It was the quiet longing to be loved, and if she was going to get naked for strangers, she may as well get paid for it. I’ll admit, she had a kind of simple elegance...as much elegance as anyone wearing 4 inch heels and a smile could.

Now before you get too excited, this isn’t pretty woman. I didn’t sweep this girl off her feet, save her from a life of exhibitionism and shame. No this is not anything like that. In fact, this story isn’t even about the girl ( I call her girl because I failed to learn her name). She was merely a blip on the radar, another set of tits and ass to be forgotten sooner then Mariah Carey's last single. The question, is why do they keep coming back? Sure I'm attractive enough, witty, smooth, but I treat them like dirt. I don’t mince kind words, I tell them like it is, let them know that its going to be a zip less screw, and that I don’t expect to see them there in the morning. You would think this kind of debonair charm would scare off at least one or two...but no. It’s not just dancers either. Bartenders, artists, English teachers, if I wanted the soccer mom, your wife, I could have her. Once again, why? I’ll tell you, but don’t let this get out. It’s not about looks, though not looking like the elephant man is a plus, and its not about being clever or funny. The key to breaking through their shell is beating them at their own game. Woman are master puppeteers. They know exactly what strings to pull, and I used to be their Pinocchio. What woman don’t want you to know is that they are just as vulnerable as us. You find the button, the right thing to say, and they will be on their knees (kissing your feet of course). Take the stripper with the horse face. Romantic garbage would have gotten me nowhere, she wanted to be controlled. I told her I would buy her a drink...I didn’t ask. I told her she was pretty, sometimes a white lie here or there is the clincher. Sooner then later I was getting the show that the 42 year old construction worker with three kids and a second mortgage sitting in the corner would have died for.

[Lights a cigar]

I know what you're thinking. It's a gift, to read people like I do. I know what your thinking. You think I’m scum, lower than scum, that I’m the scum’s scum, and I’d have to agree with you. I’m not proud of what I am. But is life really about being proud, of loving everything that you do. Face it, at the end of the day everyone does things they wouldn’t want to tell mom about. It’s how you deal with your imperfections that make who you are. Sure...I use woman. I suck up their karma, and leave them feeling cold and dirty. That is my cicatrix, my blemish, my tragic flaw. But take a look inside yourself, and you’ll find yours too. Maybe your married and getting a little “counseling” on the side. Maybe you drink a little too much every weekend, or maybe you just talk behind that “bitch’s” back at work. Whatever it is, no matter how big or small, its there. Unless your willing to look at it, to stare it in the face, it will eat away every inch of your soul. You will become a caricature of what you once were, consumed by the guilt of an imperfection that is inescapable.

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"Any road followed precisely to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little bit to test that it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain."

gohn67

Hey TunkPirtate,
I liked this piece. It sounded a bit like Palahnuik. I liked the voice and tone of this piece. I think that was what made it so effective for me.

The only major critisism I have is that this seems more like an introduction to a story than an actual story. So far you got everything laid out for a good story. You should do it. I'd be interested in how it turns out.

Hilarious.

isn't "a" pretty

Harsh, but true. Personal preference, but I hate using celebrities as jokes in stories becuase then it sounds a bit too much like stand up comedy.

your = you're

Its = It's

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The Frowning Dog Blog

semtecks

I agree with Gohn. It does sound a bit like a prologue. But it has a nice tone, the narrator is pleasan and easy to listen to.

Noticed this mistake:

You don’t have to do this I thought,

should be:

You don’t have to do this, I thought,

I usually don't put thoughts in italics when i publish on the sit because it takes too much time, though.

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http://semtecks.bebo.com

~BlueMoon~

I really enjoyed this.

About the paragraph size, though. In my opinion, they're a bit too long. I got a bit lost in the second one. Just my thoughts, of course.

I also feel like that's not the 'entire' story, like there has to be more to it. I'm hoping to see more of this story. Good job!

~BlueMoon~

Tunkpirate

thanks for the remarks thus far. This is techincally a monolouge not really a story, but the more I read it the more ideas I get. Perhaps I will continue and use this as a prolouge.


PS pretty woman should have been Pretty Woman (the movie)

__________________
"Any road followed precisely to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little bit to test that it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain."