NoBigThing

Staying awake to find out that you're not the only one... it's terrifying - yet also...

It kills the time... someone you can share the pain with, it helps.

Four days had passed until I found the rotten corpse in the dark. Another fourty-six days did it take for the latest victim to be brought in. That was two days ago. I'm left with another two, and then I can start rotting away aswell.

The door opens. Its sound gets you shivering. Its effect takes you through hell. Fourty-eight days and I'm still not used to it. Who is he going to choose first this time?

A slight beam of light spreads through the darkest corners of the dungeon, and we hear the footsteps, now trying to hear which way they're going.
Without saying a word, he takes that other girl away... that other girl. I don't even know her name. Both of us have lost words to speak. Then how can we share the pain, you ask? It's something... something in the look of each other's eyes that you get...

It's dark again. The doors are shut. The next twenty-five minutes I'll be alone again. A slight relief goes over me, knowing that I wasn't the first one this time. He's always less... rough the second time. But a deep breath of emotions is still caught inside of me, because I know that I await my turn.

I hear sound from above. She doesn't scream as much as the first time anymore, but she still screams. As for me - I've come to a point where I've lost all courage to scream, all hope to dream. There is no escape. No way to ease the pain. My thoughts go silent for the next twenty minutes.

The door opens again, and "that other girl" is pushed violently towards her cell, while afterwards he drags me along with him. As I get dragged passed her cell, she whispers something... "Melanie!". Now I know her name. I look at her, and give her a nod, wanting to thank her.

The stairs are hard, and I may not walk. The first time was... terrible. I wanted to stand up to walk up the stairs but he pushed me down every time again. Never did he say a word. It took me seven stand-up attempts to realize that he wanted to drag me up the stairs. He enjoyed it more that way. Every time he could do something to make it uneasy for us, he would do it. Every time he could hurt us, he would - and he did.

Once upstairs he lifts me up, squeezes my breasts - just like every other day - and takes me to the wheel. He "connects" me to the wheel and starts spinning it around. Five minutes. Now I'm dizzy. He holds me upside down, and hits me on my feet with a wooden stick, each foot ten times. He now waits for ten seconds. He takes his pistol and places it in my mouth. I'm counting down the minutes. He cuts off the rope on one of my hands and commands me to hold the pistol, right where it is. He now steps five steps away and takes his bow, shoots three arrows at me. One in my hair, one just in between my legs, and the last one on my right arm - the one that's holding the pistol. Try not to pull the trigger when you get an arrow in your arms. It's hardly possible. The first three days I didn't manage to not pull the trigger, but the pistol was always unarmed. The fourth day he made me watch as he filled the pistol with bullets. Every day until now I tried everything I could to keep my fingers steady, not to move them. He never really wanted me to shoot me myself, that's why the pistol was empty the first three days. But to increase the pressure on me was his biggest joy.

He dropped the bow. Another seven minutes had just passed. thirteen remaining. He now walks up to the wheel, and uncuts the rope everywhere. I fall on the ground, with my head first. Here's where I have to stand up. I can't. The slashes on my feet, the arrow in my arm, the fall on my head - it's too much. I reach for the pistol, hoping to get a shot at myself. He pushes me away, picks up the pistol and shoots in my left foot. Again, he commands me to stand up. I can't do it. He starts hitting me with the stick, and afterwards penetrates me with it for the remaining five minutes. He drags me back down the stairs. Passing Melanie I whisper "Audrey".

She tries to laugh. Today's suffering is over. One more day remaining.

Day 50
I take a final look at the rotten corpse. Only bones are remaining now. He will have another victim. He refreshes his victims every fifty days.

"F..uckin' ps... psycho".

Melanie is a strong one. She can still talk after three days. She will be the first to make it out.

It's 17:00 and the door opens once again. An unknown screaming girl is pushed in the cell that lies in between mine and Melanie's. This time he's coming for me first.

As I walk by Melanie, I do all I can to tell her the following:

"Be... free..."

He drags me upstairs, "connects" me to the wheel. I suffer a few minutes, until the gun is placed in my mouth. I finally found the courage to pull the trigger. My name is Audrey, and this was my story. Now all I wish was that you had read Melanie's... it had a nicer ending.





Okay, I just wanted to write something and I wanted it to have a dark subject. This is only my third short story andI hope you'll like it but I'm not quite sure. I don't even know whether I would like it myself but, we'll see. Be sure to comment, and give me constructive criticism - that's what I need! Do know that I just wrote this in 30 minutes, there may be flaws, or grammatical errors.

-NoBigThing

Angelmusic234

Well, your last statement turned me off. If you're not confident in it, then don't write something in just thirty minutes. Wait to post it until you've critiqued it yourself, and fixed the problems that you see.

Fortunately, I didn't see too many spelling mistakes, which was a good sign. However, the story itself didn't flow too well. It took me awhile to understand what was happening, mostly because I'd linked from what you posted in the critiques section, and you didn't post a title on that one. I think knowing the title would have helped a bit at the beginning, but it was still rather odd. I had to re-read the first part after I'd read the middle so that I could understand it.

It's a good start though, and I thought it was pretty good, despite the confusing sections.

-Angelmusic

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gohn67

Hey NoBigThing,
I agree with AngelMusic about your last statement. But I have the same problem, sometimes I am really tempted to post something right after I finish. And there always ends up being a alot of grammar errors and problems with them.

The opening lines are awkward and don't really draw me in because they read very confusing.

The ending doesn't make sense. Becuase isn't she already dead?

The character doesn't seem to change in this story at all. She just dies. Need some more development of character. I don't really care for Audrey.

Why does she whisper her own name? Kind of strange.

I think you have a really good grasp of English. I didn't notice any major gramatical mistakes.

Story isn't bad, I was able to read through it without wanting to stop. I think the main problem is that I don't see a point in the story. The character's don't change.

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NoBigThing

[quote]He drags me upstairs, "connects" me to the wheel. I suffer a few minutes, until the gun is placed in my mouth. I finally found the courage to pull the trigger. My name is Audrey, and this was my story. Now all I wish was that you had read Melanie's... it had a nicer ending.

Quote:

The ending doesn't make sense. Becuase isn't she already dead?

Well, have you seen the movie "American Beauty" with Kevin Spacey? In the beginning he introduces himself saying: "This.. is my neighbourhood. This is my street. This is my house. This is me just waking up. I'm already dead but ofcourse... I don't know that yet." In the end, indeed he dies but continues telling the story. That's basically what I was going for with this one.

Quote:

The character doesn't seem to change in this story at all. She just dies. Need some more development of character. I don't really care for Audrey.

The way I wrote the story I didn't leave any space for character development, because they could hardly talk anymore. All you know of Audrey is her mindset, and that way it takes you through the story way differently... more compact. Besides, the story only involves her last two days. I could have gone from the beginning, where she was first kidnapped, I could have given her an age, I could have given a description of the psycho, I could have shown police investigations going on after the girls, but in fact I don't think I would have wanted it that way.

Why does she whisper her own name? Kind of strange.

It's something more emotional going on between the two. They both feel for each other, and it's used as a way of saying "heads up!".



Well thanks for the comments guys. I appreciate it Better keep 'em coming.
And I hope I cleared some of the points in the story up with this, and gets you understand why I wrote it this way. If you still don't agree then just tell me because that might be that I interpret the story way differently than you, because I wrote it. I know exactly which way I was going with it, but to you readers it might be strange.

idlemusings

I've got to disagree with the first two reviewers on this.

I didn't find the story hard to get into or confusing to figure out what was going on (perhaps that says something worrying about MY mental state).

Nor do I think that there needs to be character development in such a short story - it seems to me that Audrey has done all her developing prior to the story starting and is now barely functioning in a very resigned mode.

One suggestion - The motivation behind most psychos is sexual and for someone to be as far out there as your bloke this would probably be the case. If so you should not shy from this when writing - particularly since the story is already very dark.

For a third story I think it is very good and that you should continue to write as you obviously have some talent.

And one query - why didn't she just shoot him instead?

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idlemusings

The swapping of names is quite common amongst prisoners in extreme situations. It provides a great feeling of security to have someone else know your name in such situations.

This provides the person with a hope that if they die someone may be able to pass on what happened to them (which is a very strong emotional need) and also 'humanises' them when they are being treated like animals.

Any reading of human experiences in extreme situations will bring this to light.

Saying that - I do think you could have tied it in a bit more - perhaps by talking about how Audrey wished she could talk to 'the other girl'. Minor suggestion only.

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The despair I can live with - it's the hope I can't stand...

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NoBigThing

Dutroux was a minor source of inspiration indeed

Hey everyone, thanks for the wonderful comments. It motivates me to write more and I'll be doing so soon. Thanks again!

gohn67

Yes, I have seen the movie. One of my favorite movies of all time. Just because they did it in a movie doesn't mean it's a good idea, even a movie as good as that.
But I see your point. I think it's more of my preference more than anything. I just happen to not like doing that.

Thanks, idlemusings. That makes alot of sense.

Keep up the good work NoBigThing.

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