Evanescence

I'll admit that the climax is weak, however i hope its enjoyable anyway.

She deserved it, her interference, dissolving our precious walls, in which we strived so hard to sustain. Don’t touch her, just leave her there, let her become familiar with the surroundings she intervened with,” spoke Vicki, wetting her lips, crunching her knuckles significant of accomplishment.
“I don’t think she deserved it. We shouldn’t take peoples lives like that, you are not suppose to, it is bad,” Candice said to Vicki, as she leant down and began stroking her victims blood soaked hair.
“Of course she deserved it, you need no reason, you manipulate boundaries, you suffer the consequences, and for God sake stop stroking her hair, she’s going to be dead any moment. See, her chest no longer moves the repetition of her heart and her eyes; they are glazing over like dog with cataracts. Not so tough are you now? Now that I’ve turned against you,” laughed Vicki cruelly, kicking her victims head with her steel capped boot.
“Still she was nice. Nice to me, nice people shouldn’t die, bad people should,” whispered Candice defensively. “Nice people Candice don’t try to ruin friendships! Or do they? Huh? Candice, do you want me to stop being your friend?” warned Vicki, piecing Candice’s vocal cords, reducing Candice’s reaction to a discrete, unnoticeable ‘No’.
“I think we should clean up the blood. Mr. Lawson might notice,” suggested Candice after a few seconds of awkward silence.
“Good idea my friend, where is the floor cleaner?” asked Vicki in agreement with Candice’s plan.
“It’s over there in that room, the kitchen,” pointed Candice shyly, “Okay, well you wait there and I’ll go get it,” said Vicki, stepping over the body and making her way into the hallway.
Candice stood there, staring at the woman’s body, watching her chest move up and down every time she struggled to take a breath. The woman’s fingers twitched, her hand raising half an inch off the ground.
“Keep still, Vicki will get mad if you do that. I want to help you but Vicki told me not to move,” spoke Candice clearly, with little emotion, her attempts at retracting any compassion evident.
Then, as the woman’s hand hit the floor, her chest failing for the last time, Candice’s attention was soon diverted from the corpse to the wails of police sirens.
“Vicki! Vicki!” cried Candice as the police began knocking down the door, the sounds of the sirens cry growing louder and louder, the higher Candice cried for Vicki.
Candice began shaking in anxiety, Vicki told her not to move, She was the authority an authority she would obey at all costs.
Two officers ran inside the room. Overwhelled by indecision, Candice flopped to the floor like a rag doll and began sobbing like a lost child at the Zoo.
One officer crashed down at the foot of the body and checked the bodies pulse, soon discovering there was none. “Did you do this?” asked the officer. No reply. “Who did this?” demanded the officer, putting his hand on Candice who was crying now, so loud that her voice prevailed over sirens. “Vicki did it!” She wailed, over and over, holding her legs, rocking herself to the sound of her own sadness.
“Where is Vicki?” asked the officer, continuing to shake Candice’s arm, “She’s in there,” Candice pointed, her finger pointing in the direction of the kitchen.
Just as Candice finished, the second officer appeared. “What is the deal?” he asked, the other officer as he stood up, removing his gun, cocking it simultaneously.
The first officer said nothing and began moving into the hallway, moving on his side, his gun grasped tightly in his hands.
BANG! BANG!
Two gunshots hung in the air, grasping the breaths of Candice and the second officer.
As the smell of gun powered settled, the first officer removed himself from the hallway.
“No one is there. Only a cat, ironically called Vicki and don’t worry alright I didn’t shoot it, I just shot at it,” reassured the officer, placing his gun back into his belt pocket.
“What do we do now?” asked the second officer.
“The house is clear, we should take the girl for questioning, call the parents, you know the drill,”
The second officer nodded.

(Back at the station)

“The dead woman has been identified as Rita Goode’s; she has been the girl’s psychiatrist for the past thirteen years. According to the records, she has been treating Candice for Dissociative Identity Disorder which has been previously known as, Multiple Personality Disorder. ‘Vicki,’ is the alternate personality of Candice. The appearance of the Vicki personality was infrequent and rare, it has only been now that Vicki has been appearing on an everyday basis and even communicating with Candice. This may have been triggered with the combination of heightened stress, anxiety levels and, more specifically, Dr. Goode's attempts to ‘extract’ and ‘contact’ the Vicki personality,” explained the Chief detective, wiping the sweat from his thick lense glasses.
“Why would Dr. Goode want to extract the Vicki personality?” enquired the first officer, placing his hands behind his back to straighten his posture.
“This personality disorder is treated using both medication and psychoanalysis, I suppose Dr.Goode tried to make Candice aware of her alternate personality so she could differentiate between the two and move on with her life as one person, instead of as two, something she was oblivious of until now,” finished the detective, turning around, placing his attention towards Candice in the questioning room, a room which was separated by three inches of glass and twenty centimeters of concrete.
“Is she alone in there?” asked the officer, “Course not. Its being closely supervised by a medical team and a psychologist, we’re waiting for contact with a family relation-”
“Why? Where’s the parents,” asked the officer quietly.
“They are dead. Candice killed them,”
“Don’t you mean Vicki?”
“No Candice killed them,”
“Why?”
“People who suffer from this disorder have often experienced some form of abuse or profound emotional distress. Between the ages of 2 and 7 Candice was often sexually exploited by her Father and beaten constantly by her Mother. When she turned seven, she unleashed her suppressed pain and anguish on them. She found a gun in the basement and shot them both in the head during a public outing at the park. She was obviously contained and evaluated by a child psychiatrist, Dr. Rita Goode who found her to have post traumatic stress disorder and a few weeks later Dissociative Personality Disorder”
“My God, and after all this time I though she was just a victim of a run in run out murder,” sighed the first officer.
“Well, in a way you are right, except she wasn’t the victim, she was the survivor.”

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gohn67

Hey Evanesance,

I actually liked the twist ending. I was definitly not expecting it. Have you seen the movie, Tarnation or the Anime, Perfect Blue. They mention Dissociative Identity Disorder in both.

There is alot of dialogue on this piece. Not a bad thing, just something I noticed.

This sounds really unrealistic. I don't think anyone talks like that.

bodies? I thought there was only one.

I also didn't understand why the cops would shoot.

Although I liked the ending it was strange because it felt like this big summary explaining the twist.

This part is interesting. When did they die? If they died a long time ago, did anyone know.

I guess the biggest problem with this story is the plausibitly of some of the events.

Ignoring all of that I liked the twist at the end. It was a nice surpise.

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zaoshang

I’d say the conflict is well paced, and the twist is unexpected. But the idea isn't very original; there have been many stories and movies on the topic of MPD (the first one that crosses my mind is Fight Club), as Gohn has also suggested.

A little thing about the format: spacing up your text would make it easier to read.

Grammar may need polishing here and there. There are plenty of run-on sentences in the dialogue lines -- I'm not sure if you did that on purpose or not. For example:

-could be changed to:

I also think there are many redundant words and ideas. For instance:

-there's no need to mention that Vicki was " in agreement with Candice’s plan" because the reader already heard Vicki saying, “Good idea my friend," which sounds like an agreement.

Punctuation again:

-a comma should come before "an authority"

An annoying repetition:

Overall, I think this is promising. Best of luck!