Desmond (Adult themes) - Writers Forum

Taz · 08-20-2005, 04:40 AM

Desmond White looked at his pale complexion in the full length mirror on his bed room wall. He hated what he saw what he felt, what he thought, what he did. He hatted the control it had over his once happy, interesting life. It had taken that away to replace it with what could only be described as hell. Desmond felt that bad things would happen if he didn’t do what was necessary to save people. He thought that if he didn’t turn the tap off properly it would flood and people would drown so he tightened the taps to the brink of them nearly being un turn able. This was just one of many fears and odd doings that Desmond felt trapped in. On a conscious level he new no one could drown from a dripping tap. But his mind was out of his control he was possessed by the compulsions and the illness that created them. He was constantly worrying or doing a compulsion he was out of control.

Peace looked at him as though he was scum.
“You have what?” she said
“Obsessive compulsive disorder and why you acting like that?”
“Cause I don’t want to go out with a freak where over Desmond” she stated crossing her arms and walking off giving him a fowl look over her shoulder. Desmond’s heart was ripped from his chest he had loved Peace for years and been going out with Peace for years. He expected her loyalty to see him through but with out it he didn’t know how he would cope. She was his life line his reason for living his reason for breathing and she just upt and deserted him. Like she didn’t even care. Yet Desmond could not feel anger towards her. He felt anger towards himself for telling her. He could have kept it a secret she wouldn’t have picked up on his obsessions. Now he’d gone ahead and ruined things between them. If she didn’t stick by him no one else would he’d have to keep it to himself and his family.

As the months went by Desmond went significantly down hill the medication wasn’t working and he was resorting to self harm. He went down hill the minute Peace dumped him. He had no will to live he only did so for his families sake.

Peace still looked upon him as a freak this gutted Desmond every time they came in contact. Once more she told her other friends and the whole school new. Fortunately many supported him. But without Peace their could be no peace in Desmond’s life she had been the last piece.

Desmond was fighting the temptation to harm himself when it dawned on him his mother and father the only members of his family still alive had not arrived home. He then got a shocking visit from the police who informed him of the loss of his parents killed instantly in a car accident. He was then taken into welfare. The next night he killed himself because the worry and the grief and rejection where to much to bare.

Quack Corleone · 08-20-2005, 05:02 AM

If you wrote this in first person, the bad grammar and feverish, run-on pace of the piece would actually fit quite well. But, written in a more detached third person, it's just badly written. I'll try to critique the first paragraph to help you out as best as I can.

Original

Desmond White looked at his pale complexion in the full length mirror on his bed room wall. He hated what he saw what he felt, what he thought, what he did. He hatted the control it had over his once happy, interesting life. It had taken that away to replace it with what could only be described as hell. Desmond felt that bad things would happen if he didn’t do what was necessary to save people. He thought that if he didn’t turn the tap off properly it would flood and people would drown so he tightened the taps to the brink of them nearly being un turn able. This was just one of many fears and odd doings that Desmond felt trapped in. On a conscious level he new no one could drown from a dripping tap. But his mind was out of his control he was possessed by the compulsions and the illness that created them. He was constantly worrying or doing a compulsion he was out of control.

My Suggestion

Desmond White looked at his pale complexion in the full-length mirror on his bedroom wall. He hated what he saw, what he felt, what he thought, and what he did. He hated the control it had over his once happy, interesting life. It had taken his life away and replaced it with Hell.

Desmond felt that bad things would happen if he didn’t do what was necessary to save people. He thought that if he didn’t turn off the tap properly, it would flood and people would drown, so he tightened the taps until they could no longer be re-opened. Consciously, he knew that no one could drown from a dripping tap, but his mind was out of his control; possessed by compulsions and the illness that created them.

Also, it's quite a short, short story. Things happen, but only near the end and you explain them directly anyway, making the rest of the story seem separate. Maybe if you used this as a character sketch you could write a longer, more developed story about Desmond.