marl

“What’s that?”

“It is a sputterbean, you dolt.”

“What’s a sputterbean, you maniac?” Knees was looking confused.

“It is a magic legume that grows underground in special places.” The scientist explained, and went on to say, “It is not to be fooled with, nor messed with. It is a serious business bean.” The scientist held out the palm of his hand for Knees to see.

“Wow, it looks like a kidney bean.”

“It does, though it is blue, you idiot.” The scientist buttoned up his white lab coat and closed the palm of his hand into a fist. He deposited the bean into a coat pocket, then turned around and waved his hand in the air dismissively. “Away son, you are only in my way and wasting my time. It is a sputterbean and needs to be taken seriously. Mixing magic and science is a dangerous undertaking.”

“What’re you going to do with it though?” Knees asked and jumped in the air excitedly.

“I am going to perform tests on it and posit a theory to the scientific community on its properties and uses and hopefully get funding from the military to find a use for the sputterbean in the applications of war, though most likely its applications lay in subterfuge operations, but I think the military could benefit greatly from the sputterbean, indeed, it has many great uses son.”

“What does it do?” Knees again jumped in the air. He wanted to know. He was curious.

“I am not telling an imbecile like you Knees. Now go. You are wasting my time. I have important things to do.” The scientist again waved his hand in the air, shooing Knees away.

“I’m in the military though. Maybe I could send some hints up the chain of command to whet the appetites of those higher up. It may create a stir and get people wondering and securing their budgets. I could help.” Knees knelt and waited for an answer, ready to launch into the air.

The scientist lit a cigarette and popped open a can of Old Dixie beer. Suds oozed out of the can and plopped onto the floor. He became stoic for a few moments; still like silence or a rock; pensive, like something hewn by the great hands of Rodin.

“What did you say boy?” He said slowly and turned to look at Knees, “You could help me? I think we should work as a team then and figure this bugger out. There is something here and I will look until I find it. What do you say kiddo? Are we a team?” He raised Old Dixie in the air and looked deep into Knees’ eyes.

Knees shot into the air and yelped, “Yes! Yes!”

For the next four months the scientist examined the sputterbean in every possible way. Inside he looked, outside, upside down and right side up. He smashed it, cloned it and ate it under a controlled environment with a top secret team of doctors to examine him after consumption. Then he burned it when it came out the other end. A small shipment came in of more sputterbeans and he further examined these new beans. Nothing would give, the bean did little but be a bean. The magic of the blue legume was elusive, that became evident.

Knees dropped hints and spread rumors back at the base about a new super-weapon. An organic one which would create little waste and could be held in the pocket. It was also untraceable and would not set off airport alarms. The secret was with him though and pretty soon those higher up wanted to give him money to test this new marvel of a tease. Clean death, untraceable death, not so messy death was promised.

“So, crazy man, what does it do? Will you tell me now? General Boom has given to me 1 trillion dollars to further test this secret bean, though he doesn’t know it’s a bean. Here is the money, in these briefcases.” Knees opened the briefcases one by one to display stacks upon stacks of bundled twenty dollar bills.

“Idiot, I do not know. You should have secured euros though. The sputterbean is merely hard to find. That is what makes it so remarkable son. If there is magic in this thing, it is most difficult for a great mind like mine to find it. I feel used up, my powers of deduction are exhausted. Have a Dixie beer. It has been hard work.” The scientist sat down in his swivel chair and looked defeated.

“Well, what are we going to do? We have all this money, we have to do something with it all. We need a super-weapon. The sputterbean was our hope, the means to an end. We have all this money!”

“You brainless son of a... Oh, wait, ahhhh... wait, there was something... wait here you ass and I’ll be right back!” The scientist dashed out of the lab in a blur of white as his coat fluttered about him like wings. He came back with a small gas stove and two shots of scotch.

“Take this son,” He handed Knees the shot of scotch, then threw his own down his throat and followed it with a swig of beer and a burp.

“Now, watch this. I can not believe I missed this!” The scientist exclaimed. He lit the stove and opened another beer. Atop the burner he put a small metal pan with some oil in it, then dropped a handful of sputterbeans in the pan. The oil crackled and popped as it heated up and eventually the beans began to cook.

“What is it? What is it doing?” Knees jumped in the air, then sat cross-legged in front of the small gas stove and watched.

“Wait, be patient. Don’t jump to any conclusions son.” The scientist was rubbing his hands in anticipation and mumbling under his breath like a witch doctor.

“Look.” The scientist said quietly at first, then a little louder, “look moron, there it is.”

“What? I don’t see anything.”

“Look! There it is. It is a weapon of great subterfuge. I knew it, I knew it! Look at the smoke boy! Look at the smoke rising from the pan! It is so blue! So blue! Get another beer you slave, you worthless mongrel.” He growled at Knees, “Get me another beer boy! I have found it at last! It is mine!” As Knees handed the beer to the esteemed scientist he began to cry. Knees looked at the smoke and wept, not understanding what he was seeing.

“But...” Knees sputtered, “but what is it? I don’t understand.” He cried more.

“Smoke my boy, it is smoke to blind the enemy. Great blue smoke. Are you with me boy?” The scientist ran to Knees and hugged him.

“I guess...” Knees opened another beer and wiped the tears off his face.

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The two men became suspects in the duck's disappearance after depuites realized that the two lived next door to the duck's owner, Detective Troyer said. Investigators believe the men hit the duck's head with a hammer, let a dog bite at it and pulled it's feathers out. Eventually they ate it, Deputies said.

ShotgunShotgun

Haha, nice ending. I enjoyed it, and it wasnt to hard to follow,

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As I took a deep breathe of smoke from my cigarette, and squinted my eyes, I pulled the trigger and the rest is a blurry mess of fury in my memory....... all I can remember saying is ShotgunShotgun....

eggo

hey Marl,

Nice ironic tale of the arms race. I was thinking more along the lines of human gas release ending up being the weapon, but your ending worked fine.


The story seemed to be one written on the fly and was a bit rough in places, but sometimes we write these stories for fun. I would work on your dialog if you can. For instance,
Here, the order of words
Here, too many disassociative questions. I know the guys a nut , but their are limits.

A fun read.

marl

hi eggo,

It was written on the fly with little revision. I just went with it to see what would happen. The 'human gas release' would be funny, and more aolng the line i was shooting for.

shotgunshotgun,
i'm glad you liked it and thought it was funny.

thanks, marl

__________________
The two men became suspects in the duck's disappearance after depuites realized that the two lived next door to the duck's owner, Detective Troyer said. Investigators believe the men hit the duck's head with a hammer, let a dog bite at it and pulled it's feathers out. Eventually they ate it, Deputies said.

ms. vodka

this is very good.

excellently written, funny and thought provoking.

i enjoyed it very much.

vodka