Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Short Stories
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 08-18-2005, 10:54 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 15
outbaksean
One Fun Night

“Well Jack, what do you want to do tonight?” asked Sean.

“The same thing we do every night Pinky, try to take over the world”, said jack, laughing maniacally. Jack was a twelve year old kid, but he acted eight.

“You watch too many cartoons, but I guess if you really want to”, said Sean with a grin. Poof, Jack was a short fat mouse, and Sean was a tall skinny one. “All right Jack, how do you want to start taking over the world?”

“How about we go to a where’s Waldo convention, and look for the ‘Super Hot Dog of Eternal Wisdom’”

Where does he come up with this stuff, thought Sean, rolling his eyes. “Great idea, how about we bring along Sally?”

“Yay!” exclaimed Jack. Another Poof, and a small green alien appeared floating in front of Jack and Sean.

“What are we doing tonight dum-dum” asked Sally.

“Were gonna take over the world with the ‘Super Hot Dog of Eternal Wisdom’”

“It’s at a where’s Waldo convention”, added Sean.

“Very interesting, sounds like fun”, said Sally. She was very smart for a dog. “When are we leaving?”

“Right now.”
__________________
redskins superbowl '06
http:/geocities.com/outbaksean
outbaksean is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-18-2005, 01:11 PM   #2
Ink Slinger
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Fergus, Ontario CA
Posts: 2,676
Chris Miller is an unknown quantity at this point
re: world

Saw no grammatical errors.

Not enough information to answer the poll. I can't even tell if it's funny yet. It's like you've dropped into the middle of something. So far it seems a little cutesy for my tastes, but that's just me.

You are the one who can best say whether or not to proceed. Whether you enjoy writing it or not would be the biggest factor.
__________________
the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html
Chris Miller is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-18-2005, 02:29 PM   #3
Addict
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 118
ToucanMan
Chris called it "cute" and he's right. I like this kind of cute.

The story has a few minor errors:
Quote:
the world”, said jack,
The comma goes inside the quotation marks. You repeat this error throughout the story.

Wisdom’” -- forgot the period.

Another Poof, -- Another poof,

“What are we doing tonight dum-dum” asked Sally. -- forgot the question mark.

“Were gonna take over the world -- We're gonna ...
__________________
"A toucan can't keep toucankind ticking, but two can."
ToucanMan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-19-2005, 01:10 AM   #4
Ink Slinger
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,827
gohn67 is an unknown quantity at this point
The humor doesn't appeal to me, and I think this is what drives the piece. So it will be hit or miss with some people. So keep going.

Quote:
You are the one who can best say whether or not to proceed. Whether you enjoy writing it or not would be the biggest factor.
I like Chris' advice here.

Good luck with. No matter what you decide.
__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog
gohn67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:34 PM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers