Lost.In.Sorrow

ShotGun ShotGun
Reckoning of Cinder
By: Jeremy A. Honaker

.
Prelude
It was just around 1:00AM, in a little corner of hell, I call Osaka japan. The law was courupt, and crooked, and if that wasnt enough, I'm wanted dead, or alive here. I was just making my way out of the city, when a voice called out to me, "Going somewhere, Gun?" in a scratchy, and raspy voice. I took a deep breathe of smoke from my ciggarete, and turned around, tipping my cowboy hat up, with one finger, and squinting my eyes, to see who addressed me, and I saw emerging from the shadows, Honsu Itchinawa, c.e.o of Cinnder inc., the company that hired my familys murder. His eyes, covered by dark sunglasses, and the street lights were making a light appear atop his odd shaped, balde head. In his left hand, he had a freshly lit cigarette pinched between his middle finger and fore finger, in his right hand, he held a small revolver, that shinned in the moon light. A devilish grin came apon his face, as he took his left hand, and placed the cigarette in his mouth. "Arent'cha gonna run?" Honsu, laughed. "After you!" I said, quick drawing out my shotgun from my back, and letting out a frenzy of shoot and reloads, for about fourty five seconds. Running from side to side, shooting rapidly in the shadows, bullets began to wizz my way, and howls of an automatic machine gun came bursting from the shadows. Apparently Honsu didnt come alone. "CLICK, CLICK" my gun spat, telling me it was out of ammo. I then ran behind a pile of debris and loaded my gun.
The sound of bullets piercing the air, was enough to put the fear in you, but knowing that the people behind the bullets were the same people that killed yer' family, that took the fear out, and replaced it with rage. Hunched down, under the debris an rubble, I held tight to my Shotgun, and pushed up my cowboy hat. My long, stringly brown hair, hung drenched in sweat, as I cocked my shotgun, and held tight to the action. "Come'on out and play, Gun! HAHAHAHA." I heard Honsu cry, followed by a stream of gun fires. Enraged by his taunt I replied, "Ok! Tag your it!" I said jumping up from my current postion, pulling the trigger of my shotgun quickly. A sound of moaning came from the shadows, where Honsu was hidden. Then a stream of blood came dripping my way, and I heard one man from the shadows cry out, "HONSU IS DEAD! HE KILLED HONSU, ABORT THE MISSION!". Squinting my eyes, and taking a draw of smoke from my now puiny and flimsy cigarette, I Tipped my cowboy hat once more, and Left Honsu's cold, dead body, to rott with the demons, from which he was born.


Chapter: ONE
"My name is Gunsu Hakasawa, but everyone just calls me Gun. Born in Okinawa japan, and raised by a genral in the army, I have spent my hole life around death. My parents were murddered by the company, Cinnder. Cinnder, was a company that trained Mercinaries, and killed important personales, such as my father. My father, mother, sister, and both of my brothers were killed when I was fourteen years old. I stared right into my fathers eyes as he died, and those eyes will haunt me forever.... before he died he looked at me and said", "Get out of here kid... fight another day... and avenge this family!". "I looked at him, with tears wailing from my eyes, and nodded softly. That moment, still burns into my every thought.... I have killed 52 members of Cindder, and plan on takin out the hole damn organization. Alongside me is only my, Shotgun".
(One week later)
"I just clawed my way outta Tokyo, and am damn sure happy to be alive..... goddamm price on my head.... . Death is the only thing in my future, besides revenge. Vindiction is the only feeling that lies within the core of that dark sorrowful pit, known as my heart! I smoke 50 cigarettes a day, and have since I was 15. I kill at least one man each month, and have since I was 17, and still cant get enough of either one. I keep tellin myself, its gonna be a hell'ova trip whenever I die from smoking, and not from a gunfight. Either way, one or the other is eventually gonna get me...." . Sitting under a tree, I felt a rain drop carress my hand, and then another my nose. A gentle sprinkiling began to fall, but ever so light. Taking off my hat, reaviling my shaggy, brown, stringy hair, I pushed it out of my eyes, I scuffed my way along the ground, to get out from under the tree, so that I could get cooled by the drizzle. I peered into the sky, as the small drops of water fell from a single dark cloud in the midst of the air.
"Thought I heard someone...... Simone." I say looking over to see a gun barrel shoved into my face, blocking the view of the wielder. "Consider it your last sound, other than a gunshot, Gun."

-To be continued-

~I know how bad the grammer is, but I dont have an editor, and am hunting for one. The pay= 100% of 0. The hours= 100% of 24. ~

eggo

Hi Lost,

You really have to run this through spellcheck and break up your paragraphs to make this readable. It is very difficult to read in its present state.

Chris Miller

No need for the foreward, work it in later. Your chap 1 starts well.

The prose, as you say, has many errors. Suggest you read and use the net to learn proper use of punctuation.

Also suggest you begin at the beginning, with the murder of the prot's family. I know you are in a big hurry to start blasting the shit out of bad guys. But it would be so much more satisfying revenge-wise if you could patiently have us come to know you and your family, and also to know and hate your enemy. Then you can blast them to hell.

__________________
the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

ShotgunShotgun

Ty guys for the advice, and i no how bad my punctuation and stuff is, thats why im taking 3 english courses this year, XP. But anyways I seem like i get writters cramp, whenever Im just calmly telling the life of some guy, and how stuff used to be, I like to write stuff with pizzaz, and doesnt seem like some cliche that is a burden to read, but I will take into consideration everything u guys said. Also can u provide links to a place where i can dl Wordperfect, cause i only have note pad (yup thats how crappy my cpu is)

__________________
As I took a deep breathe of smoke from my cigarette, and squinted my eyes, I pulled the trigger and the rest is a blurry mess of fury in my memory....... all I can remember saying is ShotgunShotgun....

gohn67

Hi ShotgunShotgun or Lost.In.Sorrow,
I assume you're the same person. I don't have much to add becuase I agree with Eggo and Chris. I'm just commenting becuase I did read your story. And I like to comment if I read something.

Instead of saying what is wrong with your piece, since the others have pointed out most of it. I'll tell you what I like about it.

I like the setting of the story. Japan is interesting. I want to go there one of these days. But don't really have any money to do that at the moment.

I also like the title. Awesome title.

Reminds me kind of an Anime. Maybe because it is set in Japan. Who knows. But I like that also. Always wondered how anime style would translate to text.

Chapter one is also interesting. I like the stuff about the 50 cigarettes a day. Sounds action packed.

---
I said I wasn't going to make any suggestions.

But I think Eggo alluded to this also, but I think you should work on your dialogue format. It seems to be all in one block.

Kind of hammering us in the head. I think the reader would understand without the explanation.


Although I don't condone this. You can probably get it using somekind of torrent software. Google it or something.

__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog

ShotgunShotgun

Eww it kinda sounded like I wanted a pirated version of it, srry. I want a version I can pay for, but w/e. Ok I tried my hand at the diolauge but like I said b4, my editoing, punctuation and all that is pretty bad, so tell me if this is any beter, and I also contiued what happend from where it last took off. Please comment

ShotGun ShotGun
Reckoning of Cinder
By: Jeremy A. Honaker

.
Prelude
It was just around 1:00AM, in a little corner of hell, I call Osaka japan. The law was courupt, and crooked, and if that wasnt enough, I'm wanted dead, or alive here. I was just making my way out of the city, when a voice called out to me

"Going somewhere, Gun?" in a scratchy, and raspy voice.

I took a deep breathe of smoke from my ciggarete, and turned around, tipping my cowboy hat up, with one finger, and squinting my eyes, to see who addressed me, and I saw emerging from the shadows, Honsu Itchinawa, c.e.o of Cinnder inc., the company that hired my familys murder.

His eyes, covered by dark sunglasses, and the street lights were making a shimmer appear atop his odd shaped, balde head.

In his left hand, he had a freshly lit cigarette pinched between his middle finger and fore finger, in his right hand, he held a small revolver, that shinned in the moon light. A devilish grin came apon his face, as he took his left hand, and placed the cigarette in his mouth.

"Arent'cha gonna run?" Honsu, laughed.

"After you!" I said, quick drawing out my shotgun from my back, and letting out a frenzy of shoot and reloads, for about fourty five seconds.

Running from side to side, shooting rapidly in the shadows, bullets began to wizz my way, and howls of an automatic machine gun came bursting from the shadows.

Apparently Honsu didnt come alone.

"CLICK, CLICK" my gun spat, telling me it was out of ammo. I then ran behind a pile of debris and loaded my gun. The sound of bullets piercing the air, was enough to put the fear in you, but knowing that the people behind the bullets were the same people that killed yer' family, that took the fear out, and replaced it with rage.

Hunched down, under the debris an rubble, I held tight to my Shotgun, and pushed up my cowboy hat. My long, stringly brown hair, hung drenched in sweat, as I cocked my shotgun, and held tight to the action.

"Come'on out and play, Gun! HAHAHAHA." I heard Honsu cry, followed by a stream of gun fires.

Enraged by his taunt I replied, "Ok! Tag your it!" I said jumping up from my current postion, pulling the trigger of my shotgun quickly. A sound of moaning came from the shadows, where Honsu was hidden.

Then a stream of blood came dripping my way.

"HONSU IS DEAD! HE KILLED HONSU, ABORT THE MISSION!". A voice from the shadows cried.

Squinting my eyes, and taking a draw of smoke from my now puiny and flimsy cigarette, I Tipped my cowboy hat once more, and Left Honsu's cold, dead body, to rott with the demons, from which he was born.


Chapter: ONE
"My name is Gunsu Hakasawa, but everyone just calls me Gun. Born in Okinawa japan, and raised by a genral in the army, I have spent my hole life around death. My parents were murddered by the company, Cinnder.

Cinnder, was a company that trained Mercinaries, and killed important personales, such as my father.

My father, mother, sister, and both of my brothers were killed when I was fourteen years old.

I stared right into my fathers eyes as he died, and those eyes will haunt me forever.... before he died he looked at me and said", "Get out of here kid... fight another day... and avenge this family!".

"I looked at him, with tears wailing from my eyes, and nodded softly. That moment, still burns into my every thought.... I have killed 52 members of Cindder, and plan on takin out the hole damn organization. Alongside me is only my, Shotgun".

(One week later)
"I just clawed my way outta Tokyo, and am damn sure happy to be alive..... goddamm price on my head.... .
Death is the only thing in my future, besides revenge.

Vindiction is the only feeling that lies within the core of that dark sorrowful pit, known as my heart!

I smoke 50 cigarettes a day, and have since I was 15.

I kill at least one man each month, and have since I was 17, and still cant get enough.

I keep tellin myself, its gonna be a hell'ova trip whenever I die from smoking, and not from a gunfight. Either way, one or the other is eventually gonna get me...." .

Sitting under a tree, I felt a rain drop carress my hand, and then another my nose.

A gentle sprinkiling began to fall, but ever so light. Taking off my hat, reaviling my shaggy, brown, stringy hair, I pushed it out of my eyes.

I scuffed my way along the ground, to get out from under the tree, so that I could get cooled by the drizzle.

I peered into the sky, as the small drops of water fell from a single dark cloud in the midst of the air.

"Thought I heard someone...... ." I say looking over to see a gun barrel shoved into my face, blocking the view of the wielder.

"Consider it your last sound, other than a gunshot, Gun".

Listening closely I hear the wielders finger creeping on the trigger, and pushing the safety off. "Last words?" The still, unseen face said.

"Yea, why do you guys allways stall at killing me? If your gonna kill me kill me, dont stand there telling me your gonna kill me".

"Fine with me." The user smirked, pulling the trigger. "CLICK" the gun spat, not sposing any bullets.

Understanding that the mans barrel was clogged, I quickly jumped to my feet, grabbing my Shotgun, on my way up.

Holding the gun up to the wielders head, I see his face.

He had a bleached Flat Top, and his skin was rather dark. He wore a black and white suite, with a red tie, just like all of the other assassin employee's of Cinder.

His face didnt look scared or surprised, when I pulled my shotgun to his face.

Suddenly a loud bang went off, and the smile on his face grew.

I then slowly looked at my chest.

I found that he had hidden a small pistol within the pocket of his coat, that he used to shoot through his jacket, into my lower chest.

My eyes squinted in demise, and I dropped to my knees. My cigarette dropped out of my mouth, striking the ground, and the un-swaowloed smoke that I was just about to inhale flared out of my nose.

I placed my hand upon my gushing chest, pressing hard up against it, trying to stop the rushing of blood.

"Is that it? You have murdered over 50 of our employees and thats all you have to show for yourself?" The un-named man said pointing the pistol in my face.

Lifting my head to see the barrel of the pistol, I put down my shotgun, and picked up my cigarette, acting like I didnt care that I was on the brink of death.

A gentle laugh escaped his sigh, and a sensation of fire glew within his eyes, knowing that he would murder me, the most wanted man in northern japan.

Trying to think of a way out of this sittuation, I simply laid my head down on the ground, and took one deep breathe of smoke from my cigarette, knowing that in moments my life would be over. But could I really give up just like that? I have spent my hole life bent on Cinnders degrading, and I am going to die from some annonomous assasin!?

"Hell no!" I said lifting my head, to hear him let out a mumbling, "What?"

"I have had enough good luck for one life, but just a moment more's would be appreciated" I think to myself looking at the sky, directing my attention to the heavens.

I quickly try to swing my arm in the air, to stop the gunshot.

The mans finger is held tight to the trigger, but I slap the barrel just in time, and not a moment more soon, nor late.

"Bang!" the small pistol screeches, exhaling smoke from the barrel.

I quickly grab my shotgun, that lays next to my hat, and roll on the ground, letting out a breathe of smoke, and then jumping behind the trees trunk that almost perfectly hid my petite body.

"Err!" The man says, followed by cries of his pistol.

I press my shotguns tail on my knee, and snap the action backwards, cocking the gun.

Rolling out from behind the tree trunk, I spit as many shots as possible, but am rushing to much, and miss.

Jumping up in the air, the man releases his clip behind him, and falls behind a slight conclave in grassy peak, just big enough for him to crouch down under, to take protection.

Holding my fire, I pick up my hat, and place it atop my head, then quickly throw what is left of my cigarette down on the ground, and stomp my boot on it, extinguishing the flame.

The man positions himself on the hill, on his stomache, firing at me.

His shots are scaling barely by me, breaching the ground.

Pulling up my shotgun to my shoulder, I close my left eye, and focous on one shot.

As I recall my father would allways tell me, "Gun, you can fire 1,000 shots at someone in a battle, and they only have to fire one..... it only takes one single bullet to kill a man".

He is throwing bullets away like candy, and finally has to reload.

I inhale, the raident fresh air, and then....... "Bang" my gun spits.

I see blood spray in the air, and the man becomes silent...... as I open my left eye, I look to the heavens and smile followed by in a soft tone, "How many do I owe you now?".

__________________
As I took a deep breathe of smoke from my cigarette, and squinted my eyes, I pulled the trigger and the rest is a blurry mess of fury in my memory....... all I can remember saying is ShotgunShotgun....