eggo

I am not really ready to write another novel as the two I did write left a little to desired. So taking a cue from Wyndstar I decided to try a serial short story. Let me know if you like the idea of this vehicle.The opening story follows.....




The night in Paris was one that comes along once in a while. There was stillness that allows you to feel the concrete of the city surrounding you. The dog you hear barking might be right next to you or ten blocks away. I could feel the city sweating away the dampness it had picked up during the rainy day. The moisture of the city was evaporating up, picking an errant star and radiating its way there. I found a little bistro, with hunger chewing my brain.

What started off as a conversation between a young girl and me ended with her arguing with boyfriend. I got jammed solidly in the middle and she threw a flowerpot at him. It was a good thing my head was in the way to stop it from hitting him or he might have been hurt.

I woke up just before sunset in a back alley where the restaurant help had dumped me like a sack of potatoes filled with weevils. I, of course, did not have that many weevils so I removed myself from the trash. My head was banging with the percussion of a hammer on a cracked anvil. Finding my wallet gone and knowing my piratical landlord had everything I owed under lock and key until I paid the back rent; I decided it was a lovely morning for a walk.

I wandered around the city of Paris asking for help, a taxi, some money, a cup of coffee, a newspaper, the American Consulate, to which I received various directions. Most of which weren’t very helpful. The closest was…

“ Damn you, you stinking American. Go home!”

To which I replied, “ Sure, do you know the way?” I couldn’t really blame him, as I was a stinky American.

I must have wandered around for a couple of more hours when I saw a sheet in a hotel window. As I got closer I could read the writing, it said….

Do you have what we need? Do you need what we have?
We need resourceful people without resources. Call
Now (33 1) 40 06 90 10 or apply Paris Flats 7, rue de Bridaine


There are times in your life when you take stock of your what you have. My college professor sat me down ten years ago, after I had finished my pre-med studies and prepared to enter my residency.

“You have excelled in all your courses and finished well into the upper five percent of you class,” he said, “ I have one question for you, why do you want to be a doctor?”

I could have dribbled on about helping my fellow man and overcoming disease, but the real reason was my dad. He pushed me at every turn to become a doctor. He was a successful businessman who rose from nothing to owning real estate all over New York. He wanted his son to become a doctor.

I told my Professor that I had no idea and he nodded.

“ You shown you can do it. You don’t have to do it just because you can.”
“ After all this hard work?” I said.

“ Its my job to turn you students into doctors, doctors who save lives. Consider this me saving your life. You could get your license and become a competent doctor, but you won’t love it. And that’s what saves people sometimes, when all your training has worn out, when your standing dead on your feet after 20 hours straight and all you have left is your will to make people live. You don’t have that spark that you need to help others survive.”

For all I knew he dragged everyone of his students in here and feed them exactly the same line. He probably had a list of two hundred and thirteen people to give the same speech to, but in my case he was right. I stood and shook his hand. He may have been shocked, but didn’t show it.

I walked out of that office free of my father’s chains. I felt like Jacob Marley just after he haunted a locksmith.

After a brief stint as a card dealer in Las Vegas, a used car salesman in Atlanta, a diesel mechanic in Connecticut, a carpenter in Portland and a computer repairman in Boston, my hide and go seek adventure for life’s elusive purpose led me across the Atlantic and to my present state.

I looked up and found I had walked all the to rue de Bridaine. Since my feet had more sense than I had in most situations I decided to find the house. I walked up to the front door and was going to push the doorbell, when the door flew opened. Standing there was a thirty-something woman. She was a brunette and stood about five feet tall. Her hair was tied back into an all-business bun and glasses sat at the end of her nose.

“ You’re here for the testing?” she asked me.

“ No,” I said, “ maybe...I don’t know I saw your add in town and thought I would come here.”

“ You’re here for the testing then. Follow me please.”

I followed her through the house admiring her curves. She led me to a Victorian room with a desk.

“ This will be quite easy. Just fill in the test papers as best you can,” she said while placing a stack of tests on the desk.

“ Can you first tell me what this job is about?”

“ We find it better if subjects take the test first, then we can tell you all about it.” she said with a forced smile.

“ Alright, I’m game. But it will cost you a sandwich.”

“ I’ll see if I can get something from the kitchen. You should get started.”

She disappeared through the door and I sat down at the desk and picked up the first sheet. The test was quite different than any I have taken before. The first question was, “ If a wolf was dressed in sheep’s clothing, then what would you order from the menu?”

Huh, the guy who wrote this test spent too much time in the garage with the lawnmower running.

I answered “ Pizza”.

“Why?” the next question asked.

“ Because I like pizza.”

The questions went on and on. The woman came in with a ham sandwich and a glass of milk at one point and left. The questions continued on into Salvador Dalai bizarreness and I got more innovative with my answers.

“ 26.If two bodies of equal mass are rolling at the same relative speed on an uneven surface towards an barrier that will admit only one mass at a time, you would?”

“ Put on the brakes and let the other guy go.”

“ 47. Love is to balloons as rain is to…”

“ Rubbers”

“ 96. Your furnace is out. The pilot will not re-light. You would…”

“ Replace the thermo-coupler.”

“117. The ice is melting even though the room is 20 degrees. How do you stop it from melting?”

“ Switch the thermostat to Fahrenheit instead of Celsius.”

“149. You have to chop down a tree. You are given the choice of tools. Pick from, a cell phone, an ice pick, or an axe.

I looked at this one twice for the trick and then wrote, “ An axe, you idiot.”

“ Why,” it asked.

“ Because you huffed to much paint.”

The questions rolled along till about two hundred and forty-nine and then the last question.

“250. Why do you want this job?”

“ Boredom.”

I placed my pencil on the desk and the women appeared and collected my test.

“ Mr. Klacke will be right in.”

About ten minutes later, a little bespectacled man came tottering in. He looked like a refugee from the accounting department. He tossed my test on the desk.

“ You must be Mr. Black.”

“ That’s Klacke.”

“ Sorry,” and smiled.

“ Why are you smiling?” he asked.

“ Because, I see what’s coming. You are going to tell me how wonderful my test score is and how nobody has every scored this high in the world.”

“ You are cracked,” he said, “ That pile of crap in front of you is the worst test score I have ever seen in my entire life. I have given that test to drunken imbeciles off the street with an IQ of 75 and they turned in a better score. I could have shoved one of those pencils up a monkey’s ass and had him squat over those sheets and got better answers. I just came to see if you could breathe on your own or you brought someone in to help.”

I sat there for a second.

“ I thought those pencils smelled funny.”

He looked at me in disgust.

“ I might have an entry level job for you. The pay sucks, the hours are long and you clean your own toilets.”

“ Sounds great, so you pick people that do really crappy on your tests and offer them jobs?” I said thoroughly unimpressed but was eager to get another sandwich.

“ Some things cannot be found in tests. Let me tell you about my company.”

He told me about “Whatever Inc.” and I would seldom be bored again. It was a particular company that did particular jobs for whoever, wherever. What the hell, I’ll try it, providing I get another sandwich.

seraphserpent

Forgive me for saying this, but I think you need to pull this story back into editing. I found several grammatical errors and a fair bit of tense switching in the first paragraph. Some of your sentences could be reworded to be clearer or to more powerfully portray your meaning.

I think the premise has promise. Your character is well developed and the situation is worth reading about. As a whole, I liked your story, I just think it could use some work.

Your first paragraph, despite the tense switches, was very good. I was pulled in and I wanted to continue reading. After that, however, it became more mechanical, more impersonal. (I laughed at the flowerpot incident)

Perhaps you could get the help of a friend to beta/edit your story. I always find that helpful.

One more thing. The testing scene stretched the believability. I don't know how it is in Europe but in Canada and I'm sure the United States, an informed consent in necessary for all tests and information forms, etc. That means the participant has to sign that he or she has agreed to give out the information, that there is no penalty for discontinuing the study, test, etc, and that all information is going to be kept personal and if not, to whom it will be given out to. They also usually state what it's for although that's not a requirement. It's not really an important detail, just thought I'd bring it up.

eggo

Thanks seraphserpent,

Perhaps I was to quick to post this to the forum. I was more interested as to whether or not the concept was a good one. To create what I was looking for I did not want to spend the time refining it, if the feedback was negative.

It held your interest and that was good anyways.
All of my freinds can only read beer cans...alas. But they are great for refreshment purposes.


Thanks for reading.

Keridwen

Hey that story is great!! I love that guy's attitude!

"Pizza. Because I like pizza." and "Why do you want this job?" "Boredom"

Hehehe. If you continue with this, definatley emphasise on his attitude. Sarcasm, arrogance...I love it!!

Just out of interest...where were you headed with this one? I mean, when I write a short little 'whatever' story I always have an idea of where it coul go were I to continue...just interested to know what you thought!

Haha @ your friends only being able to read beer cans. Definatley sounds familiar...

gohn67

Hey Eggo,
I think you should seriously continue this. It was entertaining to read and funny. Of course there are some problems, like grammar and punctuaction. Also the story starts off a bit weak, but gets better as it goes on.

I really want to find out what happens next.

The beginning I think seems too rushed. One moment he's there and another he's somewhere else. Take your time. Alot of oppurtunity for comedic events there. Which by making it go too fast ruined that part.

I also think that you can work in the details of the flashback of him getting to where he is in a better way. Using a flashback is the easy way around giving some important background information. Though I did like that part. But flashbacks tend to take me out of the story. It stops the forward progress.

Nitpick stuff and comments I had when I read:

Awkward sentence here. Read it four times and still didn't like it.

I like this sentence. I can just imagine it in the literal sense.

Strange transition from the previous paragraph. Seems like something is missing in between. More detail of this scene.

You = You've = You have?

Its = It's

Hmm, comma or something is missing. Strange now that I read it, it makes sense. But before read it a few times and it sounded funny.

I liked this part. Just sounds so true to me.

Sentence sounds funky.

hehe, I want to be a card dealer.

Missing punctuation.

Funny.

Hilarious. My favorite part of this story.

Something's missing.

__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog

FollowingShadow

Good read, funny too. Not much else to say. Nice to see some writing that'll perk you up a bit.

-FS

Wyndstar

Hey, this reminds me of when I got my first assignment in Germany. I can almost picture the guy being groused at concerning his low test score and feeling about the same way when they thought about sending me back.

Aside the numerous errors in structure and spelling (I popped it onto word and that made it easier) I love the main char; he's sarcastic, arrogent and likable. A typical American. I'm really interested to see more of this one, even if you just have to email it to me.

__________________
Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

eggo

Hey Kerdiwen,

Thanks for the praise. I take sarcasm just about as far as it will go before he gets irritating.

In answer to your question, I want to create a character that I can drag through a series of short stories. The company that he's working for will grow larger under the microscope. The jobs he get's will seem far flung at first, but from story to story they will become a bit clearer as to purpose.

Hi gohn67,

Sorry for all the distractions of errors. Thanks for the input, I will drag this opener back to rewrite and punch it up a bit.

I'm glad my humor made it a worthwhile read. I can never tell if it works or not till someone reads it and gives some feedback.

FS,

thanks for reading. Writing is a cool method of communication and its should always be fun. Too many people forget in order to write about pain, you have to write about laughter.

Wyndstar,

Thanks alot. It helps to know you can relate to this guy as it gives some realism to his story. I will rewrite this one and am working on the next in the series. Already had a great idea driving home from work. I've been looking for a vehicle for this character for a while and I may have found it here.

Thanks ,

Pete

Keridwen

Hey that sounds good, eggo, I hope to see some of those here soon!!! (No pressure... )

Chris Miller

Hi eggo,

I read this story when you first posted it, and then again today.

The numerous grammatical errors, wrong and missing words detracted a little, but I'm not going to try to enumerate them, since those are not what you seem to be interested in. I will agree with the others, that it would benefit you to go over your pieces a little more, not just to catch silly mistakes, but to refine, and in some cases omit, prose. Considering that you have not made this (these) crucial pass(es), it is an excellent piece of work with some inspired writing in it.

I read somewhere that the trick to novel writing is to put your prot in as bad a situation as you possibly can, and then see what you can do to make it worse. Your guy gets into difficulties, but his (funny) smartass demeanor makes it hard to be concerned. The piece is lighthearted and funny. Your guy just keeps 'em comming. Frankly, I think you should write standup material. Maybe a story about a standup comic even. Maybe that could be one of his jobs or something.

I might want to balance out all the wisecracks with some angst and real suspense and introversion. Still, I thought they were pretty funny. I liked the test, the way his background showed in his answers.

I think it is a good idea to do serial shorts. A lot of authors do. Makes it easy to modularize them into a novel, should the need arise.

Breathing now...

So go with this. Good idea. Strong foundation. But I really think you should exercise some effort in the polishing phase (which I know you hate). Not only would it improve your stories, it would strengthen you as a writer. Look at every word, every sentence, every paragraph. Ask yourself, can I make this better? Strong writer that you are, I'll bet you find you often can.

__________________
the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

Lost.In.Sorrow

Taking a deep breathe of smoke from my cigarette I lean closer to the computer screen, because I cant belive my eyes! Letting out a cough and gag of laughter, and smoke after reading,

What started off as a conversation between a young girl and me ended with her arguing with boyfriend. I got jammed solidly in the middle and she threw a flowerpot at him. It was a good thing my head was in the way to stop it from hitting him or he might have been hurt.

eggo

Howdy Chris,

Thanks alot for you insights and crit. Although, as you say, I am a strong writer, you have shown my weakness. I've really got to bear down on these mistakes in re-write.

In most cases I will read a story three times after spell check and even then I am long to tear these apart and put them back together. I can say that my time here at the forum has helped me alot. I was insanely bad at one point and now I consider myself a hack. Quite a step up.

Although I have read all my life, I only started writing about two years ago(Never enough time), but its something I always wanted to do. I will continue on the lower end of that learning curve.

Stand-up comedy huh? Would it surprise you to know I am the worst joke teller in the world? But it might just work for a story.


Thanks LIS,

it's one of my favorite moments in the story.