Taz

THIS IS 4 MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

Kelly sat crouched in a ball rocking back and forth her face drenched with tears, her body bloody and bruised. In the door way appeared a tall man his beer belly hanging over his blood splattered jeans. Taking a few steps forwards he clenched his fist ready to pound his girl again. “Please dad, don’t” she wept in desperation. But it was no use he punched her and then grabbed her throwing her across the room towards the window. Kelly felt shards of glass penetrate her skin, she screamed and felt a hand shortly after shake her awake. “You ok Kelly? You were crying and then you screamed” stated Carla softly. “What happened?”
“Oh nothing” shrugged Kelly before quickly adding “Just a bad dream.” Carla felt her stomach tighten. ‘Carla you’re an idiot, what else would cause Kelly to react in such a way other than the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. Kelly placed her hand on Carla’s knee. “I’ll be fine” she reassured her. “You have a big day ahead of you so you need your sleep.” Carla just sat there so when Kelly was convinced she wouldn’t move she stated forcefully. “Off you trot” giving her a gentle nudge.
“Ok only because you insist” said Carla getting off the bed and heading back to her own bed on the other side of the room. Carla had a job interview. And Kelly didn’t want to be responsible for her not getting the job. That’s why she had been so forceful when really all she wanted was a hug but she cared more for Carla than herself. Her father may have been out of her life now that she was finally in foster care but the memories still taunted her. It was not only physical abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. But she kept that to herself not even Carla knew of the day he raped her only nights before the social workers finally pulled her out of there. She’d kill herself but she couldn’t do that to Carla and her family who had done so much for her ‘why should they suffer?’

“Spoken to your mum recently?” Questioned Carla as they walked to school.
“Nope cause he might pick up”
“Then just keep calling and hanging up until you get her” stated Carla.
“No I don’t want a drug addict of a mother it’s consumed her. She’s been to rehab so many times that I have know realised that she will never be free of the Heroin that she jabs into her veins. Sorry Carla but I don’t want a thing to do with her or him. You’re my family now.” Kelly said with a weak smile.
“But I don’t understand she never hurt you well not directly did she”
“No but she never did anything to stop the abuse”
“Yeah but she was high all the time if she was drug free it may have been different.”
“Carla being high is no excuse I can’t believe you’re sticking up for her”
“I’m just trying to don the right thing by you”
“Then leave it” snapped Kelly “cause I don’t want to hear it ever again my association with that family is through.”
“What if you’re mum got off the Heroin and could care for you would you forgive her?” asked Carla carefully.
“She’ll be a drug addict for life Carla. She’s been in and out of rehab for as long as I can remember she’s not going to change. She’s had years of chances and she always goes straight back on to it the minute she gets out. If she cared for me she wouldn’t have.” Carla looked at her sceptically which was a big mistake.
“If your were in my situation I think you’d feel the same now leave me alone as I cant stand you defending my mother” yelled Kelly storming of leaving Carla behind.

Kelly took solace in the fact that she believed things couldn’t get worse. But little did she know that soon things would dramatically improve. In a way that she wouldn’t believe possible. It was the day she meet Katie.

She was coming home from school it was poring with rain when she heard a little “meow” and a black kitten was shivering at the side of the path. Kelly picked it up it was sodden and looked very scared she tucked it into her raincoat to keep it warm. It had no visible id so Carla’s parents let her keep it which was just as well as she had fallen in love with the little creature and it had her. Little did Kelly know of the powers this kitten was able to perform. She was indebted to Kelly for rescuing her she had been a stray dumped after Christmas the most popular time of the year for pets to be dumped obviously these owners didn’t know the powers that Katie was capable of. From that day forth things changed dramatically.
Kelly talked to Katie unaware that every word she said made sense to Katie otherwise she probably wouldn’t have told her some of the things she did such as her father raping her. She only told Katie because she thought it a safe way to get things off her chest. She told her of her mother and her father. Anger welled inside Katie as she absorbed what she was being told. ‘How dare they she thought this girl needs her mother and I’ll get her for her’ and with that thought Katie disappeared for a few days something which ripped out Kelly’s heart.
“Where is she” questioned Kelly
“She’ll come back” said Carla trying to sound optimistic but with little success.

Kelly’s mother opened her bedroom window to have her smoke when suddenly something black jumped through the open window landing at her feet. ‘This must be her’ thought Katie as she observed the Heroin sitting on the bedside table. “Right time to act’ Katie stood on her back legs her front paws on the couch she raised her head so her eyes where focused on Kelly’s mothers.
“Shoo Shoo” said Kelly’s mother waving her hand.
‘No’ thought Katie ‘I will not you need to be their for your daughter.’ And with that Katie concentrated hard on what she wanted Kelly’s mother to do or rather not do. Within seconds of this thought being conjured up green light shot out from Katie's eyes connecting with Kelly’s mother’s blue eyes. The light looked like it had glitter floating in it due to reflecting off the sun that came in the open window. Kelly’s mother collapst in a heap on the floor unconscious as she would be for a few hours till she awoke no longer a drug addict but a mother with a purpose in life. She would remember nothing of the transformation her memory was wiped and replaced with another memory so she would never identify Katie as the one who changed her. Katie didn’t want to be known otherwise who new who might get hold of her. Kelly was her family now and she would do anything to protect her.

“There you are” yelled Kelly as Katie walked up the drive feeling very proud of herself.
“Where were you?”
Katie cuddled up to Kelly purring loudly.

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With passion and enthusiasm we shall succeed!

Chris Miller

Hey Taz,

I read this even though (okay, because) I am not very mature. But I was a bit let down. Although you tell about abuse and rape and such, you don't go to any great lengths to describe these things (beyond a little blood). It is really less requiring of a mature audience than the six-o-clock news.

Copious grammatical errors made it hard to read at times. That you do not split it into paragraphs for computer reading will also deter your audience. I would take a very close look at every sentence. Make sure each is simple and clean and furthers your story. Then I would re-post. I would like to see this after you have polished it.

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the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

seraphserpent

A very heart wrenching situation, I'm sure. That poor girl. I do like the idea of your story, but there is a lot of work to be done. Can I make a suggestion? Run it through a spell check, run it through a grammer check and then read it backwards, sentence by sentence. That way you can catch individual grammar errors and such.

When you're finished doing that, I suggest reading it backwards, paragraph by paragraph to check the coherency and flow within each paragraph. This is a trick I learned through my many writing teachers. If you read it normally, your mind will fix any mistakes (such as to, too and two), and you will mentally add in the punctuation because you know how it's supposed to sounds like.

Your weekness seems to be run-on sentences. I've found some websites to look at that may help you.

http://ace.acadiau.ca/english/grammar/runon.htm

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handou.../g_sentpr.html

http://cctc.commnet.edu/grammar/

The last site is one I used frequently during highschool. In the end I purchased a grammar book (which is good to have as well).

You're also welcome to ask me for help if these sites don't help you at all or if you don't understand.

I also found the story kind of fast. Maybe draw it out; let us meet the characters. I think an intersting approach (even if it's just for excercise) is to tell the story from the perspective of the cat.

On the whole though, the story has potential and I would love to see it again, perhaps when it's all fixed up and you've had more time to work on it! Wonderful job.

ShotgunShotgun

MY GOD TAZ UR STUFF IS SO DEPRESSING! but at the same time terfic

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As I took a deep breathe of smoke from my cigarette, and squinted my eyes, I pulled the trigger and the rest is a blurry mess of fury in my memory....... all I can remember saying is ShotgunShotgun....